Root Cause of Pain

I've been doing a lot of Mind-Body work recently to include EMDR, hypnotherapy and Reiki. I think I may have figured out the root cause of my TMS pains and wanted some direction on how best to go from here.

So ... About a year ago, I returned to my family home during a period of severe insomnia, a suspected H. pylori infection, and treatment with triple-therapy antibiotics. I felt extremely vulnerable—almost childlike—and slept in the room where my father, whom I experienced as a psychopath, slept. His long history of emotionally abusive and frightening behaviour seems to have triggered my nervous system to link bed/home → danger → fear → static pressure → pain.

Since then, any static pressure—sitting or lying down—triggers actual pain. Even though I now sleep in a new bed and room, I still live in the house and continue to experience these symptoms.

My father is currently in a care home, and carers have highlighted his mental instability. This reinforces my understanding that the pain is tied to past threat and fear, not any current physical danger.

I'm convinced that the TMS pains is a learned association and this realisation came to yesterday after a reiki session. Where do I go from here?

 

Mike,
I think the abuse itself is the root cause of your pain, not just the bed triggering it. I can’t even go to my home town without getting triggered. And even thinking about it messes me up. I can’t imagine walking into my childhood home, let alone living there. I would be very stressed out.

You are in a very triggering environment. Liken it to a soldier with PTSD going back to the war zone. I think your nervous system is going to be very aggravated by being there. But I know you might not be able to move. I haven’t figured out yet how to soothe and protect myself around very strong triggers. I do think avoiding strong triggers is probably best, if possible, for now. But maybe there are other ways.

 

Congratulations on uncovering what may be triggering your TMS. That is the work recovery requires of us.

I think the fact that you have moved what was unconscious into your conscious awareness will serve you well going forward. Remind yourself that you are safe now and your father can no longer hurt you. You're an adult now, can meet your own needs, and you don't need to cope with his abuse anymore. Your EMDR therapist should be able to help you with this as well.

 

For a short time, I used ISDTP therapy, and in one of those sessions, the therapist offered some excellent advice.
She suggested not just looking at the abuser and the situation around the abuse, but the people in my life who did nothing to stop the abuse. She suggested that often the true anger lays there - the anger and rage from feeling so helpless, being too young (and never learning the skills) to change the outcome, and never having people stand up for you and stop the cycle.
Facing that rage and offering them my own (within myself, not confronting or talking to those people) forgiveness to them (for they were in a similar situation) was very healing. I still deal with the triggers from that, and they are often multiplied because the folks who stepped away, and did not help me have a different view of the situation and felt I was at fault, and the cause of all their own childhood pain. I don't worry about that, and just keep my distance from them.

 

This x 1000!!!!!!! This hits the nail on the head. There will always be evil but it’s the silent majority who stood by, the bystanders, are the real criminals. But, sometimes, I think some people are gaslit by the evil in this world. They just don’t see it, perhaps the masquerading charm of the evil. For those that do see it and stand by and do nothing, well they are the true perpetrators. I always say it’s never one person when abuse takes place. It’s a failure of the whole family, community and society at large. One cannot blame a single person. I love this post. You are very enlightened, Cactus. Thank you for posting this. Learning to be at peace with human nurture is so important for us to move on.

 

Imo it's a spot on point that Diana-M makes about the triggering environment that you find yourself in. I have some experience of this... When my elderly father was dying in hospital I stayed at his house (for over 3 months) to make it easier for me to visit him and to deal with his affairs as I didn't live near him and travelling back and forth was extremely hard for me (I was no longer bedridden and housebound at that time, but my TMS symptoms were awful). I'll spare you the details, but my relationship with my father was an extremely difficult one and I feared that being back in his environment would trigger me and worsen my symptoms and render me bedridden again. I therefore decided to research about what was best to do in such circumstances and read that healing in a triggering environment is actually possible, so I thought that if that's the case, then I could be hopeful that my symptoms would at least not deteriorate if I followed the rest of the advice that I'd gathered... And that advice was that stabilising the nervous system requires regular moments of safety, even if brief or created through routine and small rituals. To help achieve this establish small, personal 'safe spaces' within the home where it is possible to feel calm and in control, even if just briefly... furnishing those spaces with your own stuff, even if it's with just hanging a different picture or poster on the wall that you love will help aid this. (I also read that if it is or may become possible, making bigger environmental changes like rearranging and redecorating can also help hugely.) My symptoms didn't get any better while I was at my father's house, but with following this advice they didn't get any worse (despite the very challenging circumstances, which included having to fight to get the best care that I could for him in a truly awful NHS hospital that he couldn't be moved from because of his condition).

 

I agree, Diana. I’m not sure what’s your stance on spiritual matters but I got a spiritual energy healer to assess my energy aura and the house I live in. He said he found several negative energy curses that he resolved. I don’t know what to make of it. This just happened today. Anyways, I’m moving out of the family home in a month or so and I’m hoping that will have a positive impact on my nervous system. Bless you, always.

 

Yes! ❤️

 

Thanks for this, @BloodMoon! Good to know it’s possible. Because most of us have triggers all around us.

 

I wouldn’t doubt it on the negative energy. Wherever there’s abuse, there is evil. I’m glad you’re moving out!

 

For those trying to heal in a difficult environment:

Our dear Claire Weekes talks about this in one of her books, at least twice. Once is about a woman who is in an unhappy marriage but she has decided that it is better to stay than to leave. So she has to figure out ways to heal within that context. The other is about a woman for whom her home has become a massive trigger -- but she's a housewife. In the latter case it's about keeping a picture in her mind of what it was like to be happy at home at times when she was happy, and then letting time pass and heal.

I had a bit of this this year because I was very much trapped in my home in intense, intense fear and suffering. I imagine a lot of people who are bedridden with pain can relate. Everything about my home was a trigger. But I have noticed over time -- and it's been 9-10 months now that I've been working on this -- that its much less triggering. It really is fading. With ups and downs.

You have a hard thing to face with these triggers, but corrective experiences can happen. You can be safe in a sleeping environment. Over time, you may be able to learn that you are safe, deep down...

Meanwhile, as Claire Weekes would also say, do what you can to make the environment bearable. Like changing the bed, which you did! And if you can move out, move out -- just saw above that you are moving out in a month! And maybe allow yourself to make some changes that you want to make but your dad wouldn't approve of...

This is not the end of your story!!

 

@Jan: Thanks. I did a lot of work on Reiki and EFT re. my dad. In my first session I saw his energy lift from my body and I saw him burn to ashes. I later buried him. It was an unbelievable session that I will never ever forget. I did so many sessions on EMDR and in one session I strangled him until he took his last breath. I did so much emotional work this year that I'm so exhausted. I do twice daily hypnosis where I hug my child-like selves and send hearts all over my body. I love my children and I now protect them. I feel so free now but this lizard brain is a problem.

I had a break-down today and broke down in tears. I then started shouting and screaming to my lizard brain to stop this insanity of pain, pain and more pain. It's within the lizard's capacity to stop this insanity now. I have no tolerance to it anymore. If all lizard's behaved the way mine has the entire economy of the world would collapse!!!!!

 

Mike,
The work you’ve done is amazing! I loved reading about that. You’ve really worked hard. I know what you mean by being exhausted. And I love your daily routine to love your inner children. You’ve come so far from last year! Just be patient. Your nervous system has to catch up with you. It’s not really your enemy. It just wants to make sure you’re safe. Lately, when my pain comes on strong, I say out loud: What are you trying to tell me? And then I wait. Sometimes I journal. But I listen. And it has been telling me a lot of things— Things that it doesn’t want me to do anymore. Things it’s tired of. Things it’s sad about. When I listen, the pain will die down a little. Yes it does circle back, though. Don’t be discouraged— Even though it’s hard. Our TMS brains have turned on a very loud alarm. That’s because it is a very big fire. Some of it is burning in the past, and some of it is burning in the present. It takes a while to get all this fire out— And then to teach our brains that we’ve got it and we’re safe. I absolutely know you’re going to get there. Me too. Just hang tight brother!