Rough weekend

On Friday, I was feeling great. I had been sleeping well almost all week, and I thought I was making major headway on my symptoms.

Then on the weekend, I had a setback. I felt worse. And even though I amazingly still didn't sleep that badly, so not as bad as I've been at my worst, I was devastated. My husband notes that I always do this... get my hopes up then get super depressed when I'm doing worse again. So I'm extremely aware of it and really tried NOT to do that this time, but it didn't go as planned.

Long story short, I cried every day of the weekend and also this morning. This morning because I was having sensations of panic, and my daughter wants me to take her on an away vacation, and I don't know how I'll manage to do it if I'm panicking in my own living room. We had lunch together yesterday at a nice restaurant and I was intermittently panicking during THAT.

I did realize I have an extra stressor I hadn't been thinking about, aside from work and the death of my father: my oldest is going away to college soon. I had thought I wasn't too upset over it, but now I realize that I am. I'm devastated that I'm spending the little time we have left together being an anxious mess. (Not that she's noticed so far.) I feel this urgency to get better so I can enjoy the remaining time we have together.

So when I cried this morning, it was over her. It was over losing her to college, and wanting to make our remaining time special yet paralyzed by my symptoms.

 

"get my hopes up then get super depressed when I'm doing worse again"

You've mentioned this cycle before.
You know that YOU are in control of this, and you can decide how it plays out, and how you train yourself to stop the "super depressed" ... look under the "depression" I suspect it hides forms of anger like frustration or disappointment.
Notice if it sparks a feeling of urgency that you suppress by getting into a funk. It's a funny way we can sometimes cover up more thoughts and fears. Dani Fagan of My TMS Journey has been posting snippets of her TMS support work on facebook recently...she actually spoke to this directly today in her "stories". She spoke about learning to soften your reaction so that your nervous system doesn't always think that you are in some catastrophic place if you have some symptoms.
Notice where you are in the flight, flight, freeze or fawn space. Where do you think you seem to fit - your default mechanism:

1. Fight: This response involves confronting the threat directly, potentially through aggression, anger, or irritability. The body may experience an adrenaline rush, increased heart rate, and increased energy to prepare for confrontation.

2. Flight: This response involves escaping the threat, often through avoidance or anxiety. Individuals may try to physically distance themselves from the situation or may experience anxiety and worry about it.

3. Freeze: This response involves a state of paralysis or inability to act, as if the person is momentarily stunned or unable to respond. This can be a temporary pause that allows the mind and body to assess the situation before reacting.

4. Fawn: This response involves trying to please or appease the threat in an attempt to avoid conflict and maintain safety. Individuals may become overly accommodating or submissive in their interactions with others, often to avoid further harm.

Once you see how you might be influencing your nervous system automatically, perhaps you can begin seeing how you can further influence it purposely: we talk a lot about this on the forum: mediation, quigong or tai chi, playing baseball (or any sport you like), an instrument, walks in nature or going outside, knitting .... things that you find are meditative in that they take your mind away from the "stuff".

Train your mind to begin focusing on the successes more and on feeling "worse" less but with compassion for the days that are tuffer. This is where an evidence sheet is your friend. I used to tell myself how much of a butt kicking bad ass I was for having a few great days. And reminding myself that this is new for my brain: it's new for me to think of myself as successful and to be truthfully positive (say, vs. people pleasing others) and my brain is still just in protective mode - but the last day or two is PROOF I can do this. Tomorrow is another day.

When I have a symptom I say "hello, what's up?". Literally I say it to myself, just like you did when you noticed that you are having a lot of emotions over your child leaving the nest and the anxiety and urgency it creates. This is an excellent thing to journal about!

Why not write her an unsent letter about all this is making you feel.

Why not write an unsent letter from HER perspective, as if she was sending YOU a letter so you can listen to all that is unspoken: her love for you, her excitement and fear about her future, her need for you in her life.

Why not write a letter to yourself as a young woman your daughters age - about what you needed at the time, how you felt, what you looked forward to and what you feared.

Let it all out, get it out. Your relationship is changing a bit. It becomes one of parent and child to parent/child/peer/adult and that's a big difference. It can be so interesting and fulfilling, yet so challenging. To change from being the mother of a child to the mother of an adult is a big step in both of your lives.

 

I’m sorry you had a rough weekend. Are you taking any medication? I’m not a physician but you need to find a way to relax and soothe yourself. You can do it.

Outcome independence may be beneficial to you. “I’m not having any symptoms all week, but if something comes up next week that’s okay, I’ll be okay, because I know I can make it go away and be symptom free”.

 

I am trying to find a psychiatrist. I do have some sedatives from my PCP, but I try not to take them too often. I had a really bad experience with Lexapro in the past, but I'm desperate enough at this point that I'd consider trying something else.

 

These are all such great ideas. I did have an actual talk with her today about how sad I was about her leaving, but also that I've been having a lot of anxiety lately and we may not be able to travel together. I asked if she was disappointed by that, and she said she just felt bad for me. But mostly, she likes to go out to restaurants and that was her whole reason for wanting to travel, so we can do that here since we live near a large city.

I do think some journaling about my feelings about her going to college might be helpful. I discussed it with my psychotherapist today as well.

I definitely agree that enjoyable distractions would be helpful. I have been so obsessive about all this, I've been having trouble distracting myself. But I do take long walks and I love to paint and read. I also downloaded this dance app on my iPad that I've been enjoying. I had been listening to audiobooks about TMS during my walks (I've now listened to 4) but now I feel like maybe I should go back to fiction. I was listening to Claire Weekes today, and instead of being therapeutic, I think it actually got me MORE anxious. I feel like I need to try to forget about all this, and a million books about TMS might not be in my best interest anymore.

 

I feel you! I had a flare up this Saturday and I had to literally tell my mind that I was fine physically a lot. And then I decided I was going to keep doing what I had originally planned which was clean my house. And I did it. I took breaks and even gave myself permission to stop if I needed to. I just knew if I got back on the couch focusing on my pain-I would be depressed. And would you believe it...I realized about halfway through cleaning that pain level went way down and I forgot about it. I've been trying to slowly step into more of what I would consider "my old life." I know I can't go back but I can take what I used to do and try it now with modifications.
Just think of taking baby steps. I love the idea that you can go to restaurants in a city near to you instead of taking the vacation. It's a good step in the right direction and still taking care of your nervous system!

 

Yeah, this sucks. We get better, celebrate, then TMS fights back and it's like "omg why? We're past that, you learned there's no danger... are you gonna be always like that?"
The mysteries of the brain and uncounscious mind.

I trully believe in the acceptance work, and oh boy it's hard. Today I was having a conversation with my PT about how our society tries hard not to feel any kind of discomfort.
TMS work is not a straight line. It's made of ups and downs and for what I observe in the success stories and people talking here, you need to learn to feel ok during the downs for some months before healing really starts to stay for good.
And that's a learnship you take for everything in life afterwards. You learn to feel the bad not as necessarily bad, but as an energy that's passing through you.

Your time with your daughter is special with or without TMS. Don't let the perfectionism in you make you think your life is on hold.

 

I like this! oh my goodness, it’s such a lesson! if TMS doesn’t teach your patience, I don’t know what will. You hear the stories that people get rid of their TMS right away. But with so many of us, we are just inching along like snails—-And even like snails that go backwards— And then forwards. You just wonder if you’re ever really going to have a life again. And then one day it just dawns on you this is real life. This is my life. I spent so much time thinking what am I doing wrong? Why isn’t my TMS going away faster? And the truth is, I was doing it— It is going away. But so slowly. Today I did 30 glute squeeze exercises (butt muscles). I could’ve done more even. One year ago, I couldn’t even command my butt muscles to squeeze. I didn’t have any control over them. That was pretty scary. But here I am a year later With 30 squeezes. (I still don’t have a butt to speak of though! lol)

 

@Nightowl
Having my kids leave home and get married triggered all sorts of TMS for me. And I wasn’t a clingy mother. I have really independent sons and I gave him long leashes growing up. They never really were attached to my apron strings. But wow, when they got married, it ripped my guts out. And when they went to college! I think it brings up all sorts of feelings of abandonment. And that’s a core issue for everybody. But the truth is our kids have their own lives. They’re not meant to be our security blankets. So we have to address these abandonment issues. And I think it Takes a lot of work. I’m still really in the thick of it. So I feel for you! ❤️

 

Yes, I agree with this. Don't wait to do things once you recover. Do them while you are recovering. This is the best way to show your brain safety.

 

These are all great pieces of advice! Thank you, everyone! Today is a slightly better day. I am really trying to do everything I usually do, and if I do it with some discomfort, then so be it!

I wrote a letter to myself this morning, and I think I realized that my work stress is having a much better impact on me than I thought. As soon as I started writing about it, my chest immediately tightened. It's hard to know what to make of it because there are so many things going on in my life to choose from. I am trying to do things to reduce my work stress, which I think has helped my mental health today. I'm going to keep writing letters to myself too.

 

There are those days we simply don't have the energy. And TMS cowardly tries to take advantage of that, sending doubts and telling healing is far. Some of these day are not even that painful ones, it's just anxiety throwing a mob in your head.

It might not look like in the moment, but we learn and grow on these days. Slowly we build a stronger self.

 

This is beautiful, @feduccini ! We are slowly building stronger selves. And it is weird how some days you’re just so drained— But if you’re honest with yourself, you’re not in pain necessarily, but fear translates into pain. So you almost think you’re in pain but you’re actually not. I like the thought that we’re still growing on those days. Thank you!