Seeking thoughts on my interesting therapy discovery

I’ve been in therapy (this time) for 3 years. I began this therapy because I was reading Sarno and doing all his advice, with nothing happening. So I decided I was one of the unlucky few he mentions who will need therapy.

The therapy I am getting is called Internal Family Systems (IFS). The premise behind IFS is, that each time you lived through some trauma, a part of you (or parts) took on a role to help you cope with it. And because our subconscious world is timeless, these parts are stuck in time. They are still concerned about whatever it is that caused the trauma. They don’t know that times have changed. You have to find them, befriend them, let them tell their story, then help them heal. After that’s accomplished, the part can retire from that job it took on and supposedly you will feel better. I say supposedly because there are a lot of parts to find. At least for me.

This week, I discovered a part that was protecting me from the trauma of a situation I rarely think of. My mother was diagnosed with MS when I was 14. She was severely ill at first, even hospitalized, then went into somewhat of a remission. A few years later, while on vacation as a family in Florida, she suddenly became very sick again. She couldn’t see. She could barely walk. My father assigned me to fly home with her to Missouri. He and my sisters would drive home in our car, as we had driven to Florida.

This flight with my Mom was very turbulent. It turned out to be a bad snowstorm and we were diverted to Omaha, Nebraska. So here I am, a teenager, with a blind Mom who is struggling to see and walk, stuck in Omaha overnight. The next morning we flew to Missouri. I can’t remember a thing about it except the airplane turbulence. I remember that I took this trip, but not the details.

I’ve been journaling about this experience and the rage, terror and confusion I felt as a teen was horrendous. My mother was also mentally compromised at that point, so it was all up to me to negotiate the trip. The reason I don’t think of this much is my childhood often required me to take on great responsibilities. This was no different. But what I’m realizing now, is I did them with all my feelings stuffed. How else could I?

Journaling about this event this week revealed my rage at my mother, the MS, but mostly at my father for abandoning me with this crisis. I probably felt my true feelings for the first time ever.

My question for you is this: my symptoms mimic MS. Do you think that’s a coincidence? If so, what do you think they’re saying? What should I say back? Have you had anything like this happen to you—where your symptoms mimic a trauma-related or rage-filled
event in your life?

 

Your symptoms are most likely no coincidence. I have had symptoms similar to my Mom (luckily not my Dad!), and @TG957 had symptoms similar to a family member. TMS seems to get ya where you’ll notice!
Tell yourself you are YOU! Having a parent with an illness does not mean you need to fear this will be your life. You have insight into this. You write your own story.
Why not write a letter to your 14 year old self, telling her you hear the anger and fear, and know she saw your mom’s helplessness but that she can choose another role model to use for healing. One that is in your mind and can’t abandon you.. but wait a few days to do that. You need to process all this stuff and just sit with it a bit. My own therapist was very clear on this and would always suggest to listen to the body for a few days too, to assure it you are just fine with all this new realization, even if it doesn’t feel great. It’s the whole acceptance and compassion deal. Then you can decide if you need more, like letter writing or if you are ok with it all.

 

@Cactusflower, Thank you so much!!! I was hoping to hear some wise advice like this!

 

It was a very frightening experience that you went through, having to cope with and seeing your mother in such a very bad way... And a TMSing brain will more than often create symptoms in accordance with what it knows we are the most frightened/fearful of because doing so is so much more likely to work than creating some other kind of random symptom (although, of course, it might also throw in a random symptom or two just for good measure).

Imo really great advice above from @Cactusflower.

 

Thank you, @JanAtheCPA, @Cactusflower and @BloodMoon for your compassion and wisdom. It means everything to me.

 

Hi, I am new-old here (haven't been back in a while) and something jumped out at me, which is the fact that all you had remembered was the airplane turbulence. Perhaps uncomfortable physical sensations created by an inanimate object are "easier" to remember than emotional pain. But now you have the strength to face all of it.

 

@NCGal
Thanks for your input. And welcome back!

 

Perhaps by creating MS symptoms your unconscious brain thinks you can win the love of your father. I suggest exploring this.

Congratulations on uncovering a profound event from your childhood. You are well on your way to recovery. We all benefit from your willingness to share your insights.

 

@Ellen
Thank you for this suggestion to explore. I have been writing about it a lot. There is so much packed in this one event. I am especially happy that you think everyone benefits from my vulnerable posts. Sometimes I wonder if it’s too much! But I do it in hopes of inspiring or helping others.

 

I don't think anything much gets wasted on here -- There will be people currently following your story and gaining inspiration from it (even if they don't comment on your postings) and then there are those who will do a search on something in the future and one or more of your postings will pop up and they won't feel so alone with their TMS symptoms -- plus they'll gain from seeing what you have done to help yourself. I've had people respond to some of my postings either by commenting on the forums or by private messaging me a couple of years or so after I wrote them. (Thank God for the 'search' facility as that's also helped me find so many useful entries!)

 

@BloodMoon,
I missed your response, here! This is great to know! It really does make me happy to even think of my helping. Also I love the search tool. This wiki is a gargantuan wealth of very personal healing wisdom. I peruse all sorts of entries daily and have even contacted people who have been gone for years and they have answered me!

 

My god, yes. I’m so sorry you’re going through what you’re going through, but yes, I completely resonate with this. I’ve had 20 years of TMS symptoms, but they started with pins and needles… all over my body, after a stressful event at work. But prior to that, my cousin had been diagnosed with a rare and severe form of MS. She died from complications of the disease only 10 years after being diagnosed. She was in a wheelchair 2 years after diagnosis, and completely dependent after 5. I was told by relatives what her early symptoms were, and after feeling petrified by seeing her in a vegetative state, I was paranoid of any sensation that might resemble those symptoms. It was the start of a downward spiral, that led me to therapy. Thankfully, that worked and my phobia of MS has been cured. Unfortunately, my TMS transferred to my bowel, after two friends died of bowel cancer before the age of 42. I developed IBS, and I think it was because of the fear around any bowel related symptoms. That finally led to discovering Sarno’s work and his disciples. After a year of doing this work, my IBS is finally subsiding. I’ve had plenty of other symptoms since - the symptom imperative trying its best to pull me back into the cycle of symptoms and fear… chest pain, pins and needles, night sweats, itching, dizziness, diarrhoea, back pain, twitching, fatigue, fatigue indigestion etc… but I’ve stood firm, not panicked, and got on with my life, and I’m now in a great place, and enjoying life. How are you doing now?

 

Hi @SteveB76
I’m doing ok! Thanks for asking. Chugging along on my healing journey. It’s slow as molasses, but I can see progress. I wrote this entry you found 3 months ago, and it seems like a lifetime ago in terms of wisdom and personal growth for me. The journey itself is mind blowing. Since this entry—maybe shortly thereafter—I stopped thinking about MS and came to totally embrace that I have TMS. It’s a relief when you get to that place of compete assurance. Now I’m just all about doing the work and waiting it out. However things go for me, they will be fine. It’s wonderful to hear you are in a great place now!