Seeking wisdom...please

I have been lurking on this forum for the last 6 months, and finally have reached a point where I feel like I need to gain some specific wisdom from people who know my story and have succeeded in healing their own bodies & minds.

In my late 20's about 10 years ago I suffered a panic attack, completely out of the blue. Nothing major was happening in my life, I was mid conversation with a co-worker at my job. When I started to feel the panic attack feelings I immediately assumed I was dying, having never felt these feelings before. A co-worker took me to the hospital, and the doctors ruled out everything except stress. They sent me on my way with 2 prescriptions and a lifetime supply of fear.

Fast forward to 2021 - Part of the problem was for the last several years I was in major denial about having anxiety/panic attacks. I was constantly trying to find other reasons for these feelings I would experience and why I would freak out and have to leave places abruptly, just to get home and feel instantly better. Silly now, I know, but I was in denial because of the stigma surrounding anxiety/panic attacks. I had been taking the medication for anxiety but steadily getting worse. My world was getting smaller and smaller and I was at a point where even leaving my house to go grocery shopping was a problem. My anxiety levels were through the roof while outside my house, but while at home I felt as right as rain. I decided enough was enough, and the medication obviously was not helping and I needed to seek some real therapy (if such a thing existed) and get help with this issue. I found a wonderful clinic that specialized in anxiety and panic but this took some exceptional research and screening. My experience, is that every single therapist on the planet "specializes" in anxiety but only a few actually do. There is also a stark difference between anxiety and panic disorder which is a term I did not know when researching therapists. The therapist began working with me using a concept called interoceptive exposure therapy. If you are struggling with panic attacks, I would encourage you to look up this process and find a qualified therapist who can help you with it. This process changed & saved my life, and I could now see the light at the end of the tunnel.

By the end of 2022, the light at the end of the tunnel was as bright as the sun staring me right in the face. I was nearly completely healed from panic disorder. I was going places, doing things, and tackling the world like I had before I ever had my first panic attack. For the first time in 10 years I was filled with hope, optimism, and joy. Sadly, things came to a crashing halt. In December of 2022 I experienced a major set back, and I had a full blown panic attack while at my house alone. This was incredibly unusual, given my home was always the place I felt safe from these feelings and never happened at home before. Because of this glitch in the matrix, my mind could not accept the potential that this was in fact a panic attack and began fearing a medical emergency. Although I never called for an ambulance, I could not shake the feeling and fear and stayed in this panic state for several hours before finally coming back to reality.

After this experience I was demoralized again, and I had hit the ultimate rock bottom. Not only had I relapsed and lost all of my progress, but I also lost my only safe space in the world. My house. I couldn't be safe anywhere. As I battled the anxiety again, now 24/7, I could barely sleep, eat or anything close to enjoy life. It was awful. In addition, It appears I have developed a severe case of health anxiety. The fear of panic became outweighed by the fear of death, disease, or losing my mind for good. I became obsessed with my body and every twinge and tick. I had symptoms effecting my heart, my lungs, my throat, my joints, my brain, my gut, and everything else you can imagine. Over the next year I saw cardiologists, neurologists, rheumatologists, PCPs, naturopathic doctors, acupuncturists, chiropractors, healers, hypnotists, and therapists.

If your still reading this - thanks for sticking with me, I know its a lot.

Interestingly - For about 3 months I started experiencing a weird painful zapping sensation in my jawline. It was incredibly jolting and scary but it would only happen for a second or two and there was no rhyme or reason as to why. In doing some research, I diagnosed myself with possible Trigeminal Neuralgia because surely this can not be from stress alone. I also developed significant neck pain, which was a constant bother. The pain was sometimes sharp, sometimes dull, it would move around from the front of my neck to the back, to the sides. Never any consistency but always there, waiting to strike. I was freaked out about the prospects of having Trigeminal Neuralgia because the internet will do you no favors when researching these kinds of things. However I came across one video on youtube that was different than all the rest. A success story about Trigeminal Neuralgia, calling it "TMS"

I watched the whole video (about 1hr long) and I was blown away. I could not believe this woman cleared up this awful condition using the power of her mind, a few books, and some journaling. I still didn't fully grasp the concept, but the video gave me hope and a fresh perspective. I decided that anytime my neck hurt or my jaw zapped, I was going to tell the pain to STFU, and not pay it any more attention. Within a week it was gone and has never come back. I had this experience while waiting for the results from my neurologist regarding a brain MRI he suggested. By the time I went to my appointment, I told him - I already know there is no findings in my MRI and my brain is perfectly fine. He agreed and wanted to know what changed. I told him what I discovered and went on my way, thinking I was done with this once and for all.

Unfortunately, this is not a success story. Sadly, my reprieve was short lived. Within 30 days I was on to the next disease and this time I was in significant pain, and this is where I am today and have been for the past 9 months. I developed some joint pain in my left ankle and right wrist. Quickly that spread to both ankles and both wrists. Now its a different joint every day. Some days its my ankles, wrists, hips, knees, elbows, and lately my hands/fingers. Thanks to the power of the internet and my self diagnosing skills I have given myself virtually every auto immune condition and believed that I have them all at different times. If I can get my mind to believe even for a day that I am okay, the symptoms come roaring back and worse than before. Is it possible that reading about these symptoms has caused them to spread in my body?

I have been to 2 different rheumatologists. The first one refused to keep seeing me after the blood work, Xray's and MRI's all showed no results. The second one has not refused to see me, but has done bloodwork for me 3 times now, every test she can and has given me several physical exams. Her latest advice is that I find a good psychologist and get on some medication for anxiety.

I have read the books - Healing back pain, The Divided Mind, The Great Pain Deception, The Way Out, Chronic Pain: Your Key to Recovery

I have watched/read hundreds of success stories
I have journaled entire spiral notebooks, going back to child hood and present
I have tried 2 TMS therapists
I spent all of November and December 2023 mediating 2 hours per day
I saw one TMS Medical Doctor, who assured me I have no auto immune condition
I have attempted to completely disconnect from this website, all TMS content, and just live life, but I don't make it past a few weeks before I slip into all the old fears and old thoughts and significant pain.

It seems no matter what I do, I can not shake the idea that there is something wrong with my health. Some disease that hasn't caught up to the bloodwork, or maybe I haven't been to the right doctor. Lately I have been contemplating going to the emergency room and seeing if they will admit me and run every test in the book, thinking that might help me overcome my fear and believe the diagnosis of TMS.

I feel so educated on this all, but yet so lost. I can already see the replies to this thread because I know what I think when reading my own story back. Its so obvious and yet I am the only one who can't seem to believe it enough to move on from this pain and fear.

It is important to note, I never had health problems or pain my entire life. Literally none. Up until that panic attack 10 years ago, I had never even been to the hospital. I am a single father and my son's mom passed away in an accident about 7 years ago. There does not seem to be a correlation with this any my issues given the timeline, other than I live in constant fear of my son growing up without both parents should something be truly wrong with me. I constantly feel like I am being irresponsible with my health and therefore my son's life by not seeing more doctors for this pain I am in.

I am seeking some wisdom, if anyone has any that can help me get over the hump.

TL;DR - I had anxiety and panic attacks, I beat that, and now I have pain in all of my joints. Despite all of the testing I can not seem to believe fully in the TMS diagnosis I was given by a TMS Medical Doctor. I have read the books, and done the work. Something is missing and I need some help finding it.

 

"It seems no matter what I do, I can not shake the idea that there is something wrong with my health" That is your #1 right now.
To fully understand, digest and accept that there is NOTHING wrong with you, at all.
Our bodies are designed to have physical sensations.
Our bodies are designed to help us out in situations that are stressful by eliciting the fight/flight/freeze mechanism

When you do the above work that you outlined, you must do it with mindset and intention of not fixing, figuring it out or anything but CURIOSITY. Any other mindset is one of harsh negative thoughts, feelings and emotions towards yourself. Something is wrong is a very harsh judgement to yourself.

You are still highly focused on symptoms. There is SO MUCH MORE to life! It needs to be a balance of helping equalize your internal systems: Nervous system, mind and participating in all the things you like in life. It might be scary, it might illicit symptoms - but you do it and you recognize that while you are doing these things (and afterwards) that there is NOTHING WRONG - your brain might think there is, but thoughts are not truths.

I would suggest that as you brought up the death of your Son's mother, that there is something deeply going on within that subject - probably that relates back to childhood. Look beyond the actual stories of what has happened and get to what it FEELS like to loose someone, to have suddenly gained sole responsibility (mental or in reality) for another human being - the weight of this and how you may have felt this in the past. It takes willingness to be vulnerable...and unfortunately physical symptoms and also mental/emotional symptoms are there to distract you from feeling these things, so it might take time. It might take assistance. Your TMS "therapists" where they truly therapists or were they coaches, because that's two different things. The stress you are generating is internal, although it might have some external triggers, it's created within you. Think about it - someone who has a 25 year old son who's mother passes away may not feel the same internal stress as a young person with a young child. The stress is about how you feel about yourself. What the subconscious you and the conscious you think about yourself - this generates ANGER and that is exactly where Sarno wants you to go. When you do the journaling are you able to go deeply with your anger, and to see how anger can pair with love, with guilt, or shame and how we have multiple emotions at once and often feel that this is an inappropriate way to feel so we judge ourselves. This self judgement creates immense internal anger. Our subconscious is PISSED OFF that we have to take care of another, that a co-worker might be judging our ability, that we have to work our fingers to the bone when we'd rather be reading a book, partying, getting drunk, (name whatever you enjoy in this space Do we feel immensely guilty that we are pissed off about having to care for a sick spouse when we really just want to crawl under a rock and hide, sleep.... or whatever. We are suddenly astonished at all this pent up emotion and then feel there must be something very wrong with us to have all these things swirling around inside of us?
THAT is truly where the "I can not shake the idea that there is something wrong" is hiding.
The panic attacks and anxiety are absolutely = to physical sensations and pain.

Beyond doing the internal work, you have to basically brain wash yourself into fully digesting and believing Dr. Sarno's 12 points
https://www.painoutsidethebox.com/dr-sarno-12-daily-reminders (Dr Sarno 12 Daily Reminders — PainOutsideTheBox)

Do not go into any internal stories about each point, just read these and use any single one as a reminder when you are sensing that fear in your mind - just keep it. You might want to re-word points to make them true and believable for you until you can fully internalize this list as it is written. The TMS has moved beyond point #2 of mild oxygen deprivation as a cause of pain, however if one isn't breathing calmly and fully it WILL create physical tension in the body so you might want to change the wording for yourself.

Lastly, you have conquered so many TMS symptoms with your work. You are doing GREAT WORK, getting to know the real you, and beginning to accept yourself for the fantastic individual you are. You aren't like anyone else and you don't need to be! Your individuality is what makes you so vital the the universe and so wonderfully need in this world. You will get there, it takes time and patience!

 

Thank you @Cactusflower for your thoughtful reply and encouragement.

I agree with your assessment 100% that my number 1 stumbling block is not believing fully in the diagnosis of TMS. I also agree, that I am so focused on the symptoms which raises a fascinating point, I am surprised I had not thought about until just now. When I was overcoming the panic attacks, I was making a key mistake by measuring the "success" of going places based on weather or not I felt the panic attack feelings; heart palpitations, dizziness, sweating palms, DP/DR, ect... However my therapist encouraged me to realize that the feelings in my body do not represent success or failure. Going some where I planned to go independent of the feelings in my body was the goal. The symptoms should be an after thought. I supposed what you are saying is I need to treat the pain the same way, as a symptom that if I feel or dont feel is irrelevant to the path of me living life and doing what I want/need to do.

For some reason, when you highlighted - "I would suggest that as you brought up the death of your Son's mother, that there is something deeply going on within that subject - probably that relates back to childhood. Look beyond the actual stories of what has happened and get to what it FEELS like to loose someone, to have suddenly gained sole responsibility (mental or in reality) for another human being - the weight of this and how you may have felt this in the past." I immediately had an emotional reaction, and I had to take a break from reading your post. There is absolutely something here I am not aware of yet, as I can't quite pin point why this is so emotionally charged for me.

The 2 TMS therapists I worked with were from the PPDA website, so I assume they are good at what they do. Maybe it just was not a good fit. I am open to suggestions.

I will rewrite the 12 points into points that resonate more with me, that is a great suggestion and one I had not considered. I do struggle to relate to them in some ways as they are currently written.

It seems like I do not want to accept that my mind is the problem, I want to blame my body. I am not sure why I would rather blame my body to be honest.

 

Your thought process is where you are stuck. Your mind is not the problem. It was designed to protect you and it is doing its job.. it’s just stuck in overdrive. TMS “therapists” may simply be coaches -not licensed psychologists and don’t really get into the deep needs of some clients.
That said, you might be just fine on your own. You clearly recognized that some very hard considerations might not have been sorted out yet, and it might have been too challenging for you to really get to the core of how you truly want to be yourself vs. what you feel has been expected of you .. this is where it can get pretty existential… but you seem so ready now, so go with it. Ways that help are writing unsent letters: to your son’s Mom, to your son, to yourself.. to parents, anyone! Them tear them up if you don’t want them seen by anyone else. These can really help you sort out the person you think others want or expect you to be vs who you truly are and what is important to you, to expel this immense internal pressure this creates and helps you to see how you are absolutely enough as you are.

 

Thank you again @Cactusflower for your response.

Does discovering at my core, what I feel is expected on me or these self fulfilling expectations and standards I hold myself too amount to being enough to stop the pain & anxiety loop? Or once I discover what these things are do I need to launch into action to correct them?
I guess I am unclear on what to do with information that I uncover. Is a conscience knowing enough, or does that simply open the door for the real work to take place?
It seems like, based on what you are saying, the reality is I have to understand myself fully, and accept myself as I am, and then the true healing will take place?