Day 14 Self care day/Relapse

It is interesting how I did something for myself before even reading today's SEP education. I went to the park, meditated a little bit and wrote a poem. It all took me about 45 minutes but it surprised me that I felt the need for it without reading what I was supposed to do according to SEP. However the problem is that I did it because this is the second day of a relapse. After almost 10 days of feeling so much better, that could be also noticed by fewer posts of mine, I had a stressful day of staying at work while enduring pressure in my head and weakness in the neck. I also woke up with a sort of an anxiety attack and couldn't eat much in the morning. Terrified of what is going to happen tomorrow, I ask how do you get back to feeling better again? One of the reasons why I think it happened is the fact that when I felt better I went back to putting a lot of pressure on myself even though I was aware it is not good and I forgot that the importance I give to tasks or events, is way too high. Am I thinking right? Could this be the reason for the setback? I also have another question: Clare Weekes talks about acceptance being the key to cure yourself, and I'm afraid I don't know how to accept the state without fighting back. What is the difference? How do you know when you accepted something?

 

I think this is an important insight. Our compulsive, pushing personalities activate the TMS especially when we are not conscious that this is happening in the moment. In other words, if we just let the patterns run the show. The fact you've resisted this pattern, and observe it arising again, and connect this to symptoms is an important step forward.

Not fighting back is in a sense not natural. It takes some practice. In my experience it is never done perfectly, but you get better. Acceptance grows over time, and as you get results from acceptance, it is easier. It helps to know these are a longer term practice, and not overthink too much whether you're doing it or "doing it right." Your efforts will pay off in time.

Just observing your "non-acceptance" objectively, clearly, is a huge step. You don't need to fight things so much as observe them until they loose their juice. This is one of the benefits of "mindfulness" practice, in whatever form you're attracted to.

Andy B

 

Hi Andy B and thanks for your comments, it always helps so much to have somebody confirm my thinking. That's one of the reasons why, I think, it takes me more time to get better. I need confirmation, that's also why I decided to see a TMS specialist in June. I have too many symptoms at the same time, pain moving around and coming back.

 

Hi, DontStopBelieving.
I struggle, too, with acceptance. Find I'm "fighting" my TMS sometimes without even realizing it. I had been working on acceptance, but I think my acceptance was more resignation, which still was strengthening those negative neural pathways. Reading about Outcome Independence really helped me to reframe my thinking. It's still hard, though, not to be monitoring my pain.

 

Another way of practicing TMS is to write down on paper in one or two words whatever is most troubling you or that you are worrying about. Just writing the word(s) is supposed to reach your subconscious and it lets up on the pain. That could be the shortcut to journaling to discover repressed emotions. It could be helpful to do both.

I agree with the others and Claire Weeks... acceptance is so crucial to TMS healing. In Christian faith it is like believing of the Almighty "Not my will, but Thy will be done." But also work on discovering your repressed emotions.

Good luck seeing the TMS specialist in June. Let us know how that goes.

 

Hi PonyGirl and Walt, and thanks for your words. I'm feeling much better and had a break from TMS journaling or SEP for the past 2 days, I think it was getting too much and I just needed some air, if you know what I mean. I felt better and didn't care about TMS at all, which was such a relief, yesterday I was symptom-free. The program is sinking in my brain I think but still there is this movement pattern of the pain, again this morning a little bit of back pain, now a feeling of pressure in the back of my head but not that much, just a small presence. My mind is now much better at observing when TMS happens, what is the actual reason or when I'm tense and get angrily nervous. I also understand that TMS is there to show me that something is happening in my thoughts, I don't hate it that much anymore. It makes me stop and consider. Do you think getting over TMS is better if you do it gradually of if the symptoms disappear at once?

 

You are learning that a "light hand" is probably more effective for you: patience, not trying so hard to "fix," allowing symptoms and not making yourself wrong for them. I think this is great!