Day 9 self-criticism, pressure, self-motivation

As I've been journaling and going back into my childhood feelings, the one that is really rising to the top is something like fear of my own laziness. I got it drilled into my head as a kid that we are what we make of ourselves, that we need to go out there and grab it, be self-motivated, all that stuff. My dad was a big libertarian and his whole philosophy of life was about being self-made. And I just had this tremendous fear that I was somehow not going to measure up in that regard, that I wouldn't be able to find the requisite internal motivation to make something of myself. My dad used that metaphor of the eye of a needle: you need to push yourself to get through it, and then everything will open up on the other side. So, the only question was which needle to pick, and the message I basically got from him was that it really didn't matter; you just had to pick something. Man, I struggled with that one. To this day I think it's probably my biggest struggle. I pushed myself hard enough to get a Ph.D., but it was a very bumpy road to get there and things never really worked out for me professionally the way they should have. After years of relationship failure I finally managed to get married and have kids (who, amazingly are wonderful), only to have my marriage, which was never good, fall apart after 12 years. And through it all basically my whole life has been about work avoidance and one part of me pushing myself and the other part resisting the push. I can feel an almost direct correlation between these opposed psychological pressures and what is going on in my back and gut when my TMS is acting up. It's amazing how much better I feel in my body when I finish a project. But when I'm facing something I don't feel like doing, it's hell on earth.

I feel like the worry that lies at the heart of my symptoms is that if I don't "solve" this problem of self-motivation, I'll never be free of my difficulties. I know intellectually that the whole TMS recovery process is not about solving ancient problems, but I can't shake the feeling that no matter how much self-confidence I try to express, no matter how often I tell myself that I'm okay, that I'm strong, that there's nothing wrong with me, etc., I still won't measure up somehow. In short, I don't want to just lie to myself to try to get myself to feel better. I know there's nothing wrong with my back or any other part of me, physically. What I need is to convince myself that I'm okay at the soul level.

Sorry, y'all. That's a lot.

 

I relate to this. I think it's a form of a bad cognitive habit that can be overcome.

Alan Gordon talks about it here:
https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/day-7-pressure-and-criticism.16512/ (New Program - Day 7: Pressure and Criticism)

For me, I've reduced it greatly by replacing it with a neutral thought every time I catch myself being self-critical. Something like, "Oh, stop it, you're just fine." I'm not a proponent of positive affirmations, because I think we know when we're lying to ourselves. But negative self-talk is harmful, so I go neutral.

 

Helpful, Ellen. Yes, I know that Day 7 stuff from Alan and it speaks directly to me. And the "neutral thoughts" approach is good. Kind like a mini-CBT intervention that you can apply at any moment of your day.

Thank you. You always seem to have good things to say!

 

Really appreciate the support and wisdom, guys. Trying hard to implement the "Oh, just stop it" approach. I've tried versions of this before I discovered TMS but somehow didn't get too far with them. I think it's because a part of me was always convinced that there was something wrong with me, so when I would say "You're just fine" to myself, another part of me would say, "Yeah, but you know you're not, and you know you're just trying to bootstrap yourself into feeling good, which is a kind of self-deception." What has helped recently is simply what I might call the "Sarno knowledge." Ever since the lightbulb went off a couple of weeks back and I realized that all the symptoms on my growing list were psychological in origin and that there really is nothing wrong with my body, it's been much easier for me to say to myself, with conviction, "There's nothing wrong." I even went out this morning and did the old four-mile loop I used to run! Okay, I had to walk a good bit of it, but I had enough left for a pretty good kick at the end. No back pain at all! Just a little tired because I'm kind of out of shape from not running for so long. Sarno really does work. I'm absolutely convinced.

 

@TMUlrich,
Oh man, I can relate to your post! It’s really hard to have the voice of a father in your head like that. My dad did the same thing. And I’ve always driven myself mercilessly. But on the same token, I never felt I have been good enough. Miserable feeling! And unfair, if you think about it. Would you treat anyone else this way? Always driving them and then criticizing them? That’s what I keep asking myself, now that I’m learning about this. Maybe that will help. It has helped me to turn it down a little. But this is deep-seated mental behavior. Changing it is going to be a lot of work. I like @Ellen ‘s simple thing to say.

A few things stood out to me in what you wrote:

This is at the core of all my issues, too. And I think it deserves a lot of focus to feel the rage that this induces.

Opposing psychological pressures is way at the top of what causes TMS. This opposition causes physical pressure. It’s like you’re at war with yourself. You need to find which side you’re on. Do you deserve a break? Do you deserve to be proud of yourself? Do you deserve to have enough be enough? Do you deserve to be loved unconditionally by others and yourself? If yes, then this is the side you should be on. Figure out why you still cling to driving yourself. You could try using the 5 whys discussed on another thread. It is helping me a lot! (By the way, it’s not easy at all to end these conflicts! I’m talking a big game, but still working it out myself!)

I don’t think you have a problem with motivation at all. It could just be anger. Aren’t you sluggish when you are angry about something? Like being driven ruthlessly? Or maybe you’re not lazy at all and you just keep reliving how you feel when it comes to your Dad. Maybe your standards are unfair? And you are actually motivated by other more fair standards. There is tons of good journaling beef to tear into there.

Here’s the 5 Whys thread: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/the-5-whys-to-get-to-the-root-of-the-anger-issue.28378/#post-148126 (The 5 Whys (to get to the root of the anger/issue))

 

Thanks for all these good thoughts, @Diana-M. I'm sure you're right that there are deeper things under the sluggishness, etc. When things are going well I don't feel that way at all but rather the opposite, so there's clearly stuff going on below that level. I'm going to do some reflecting and meditating on this issue. I suspect that things like fear of failing, lack of confidence, assuming the worst, and the like are down there beneath it. Which of course raises the question of what caused those things. Will no doubt hit my father at some point as I reflect.

For now, I'm just repeating the mantra: "There's nothing wrong with you. Stop worrying. You're just fine. Take life as it comes." Seems to be working. Symptoms basically nonexistent. It's looking like I might turn out to be another Sarno cure . . . .

 

Good for you! That’s fantastic!

 

I can ASSURE you, as someone who still lacks motivation, that you can recover 110% because I am pain free. Our 'inner' feelings our identical. I Also had a 'failed' marriage, wife and kids... But she wasn't as 'wonderful' as I thought. Oh, everybody ELSE told me how Lucky I was and how wonderful she was, but we didn't agree on anything

That is so 'HUMAN' and honest. I have this problem with music and it has caused TMS tickles from time to time. I was allegedly good enough to 'make it' i.e. been offered deals, sold songs, won contests etc....but all I want to do is sit around and study classical pieces..I have no motivation to 'make it'...and it is a rage inducer to the unconscious which never ages. I only became aware of it a few years ago.

My son just started having some health issues...and reading your post, I wonder if I am not at the heart of them. Your Dad sounds like me. My son is Uber driven to be excellent at a lot of stuff (Baseball, Work, Fishing, Music, Extra side work, being a good Husband,etc.)...I once asked him why and he told me it was because I Told him once 'Don't be the renaissance man..pick one thing and be really good at that one thing". We Are VERY close and I probably feel like I projected MY failures on to him.

You are right at the heart of this deal. Remember, you don't have to fix any of this, just forcefully think about WHY this would make your inner 5 year old angry...you don't even have to feel the anger...just let it occupy your attention any time you are getting distracted by symptoms.

good work!

 

You're an inspiration, @Baseball65. Not just to me but obviously to a lot of other people on this forum.

Yeah, we definitely have some parallels. I especially identify with this:

Oh, and also this:

Thanks for the support!

 

This is surprising to me (and a relief) because I thought until you really feel the anger, you can’t get better. I have a hard time getting in touch with my anger so I keep wondering if that’s blocking me. Do you think it’s possible to just have so many things that your 5 year old is mad about that you just haven’t worked through them all yet?

 

Keep in mind, sometimes people do..they are just the numerical minority. The case of Helen in "Mindbody Prescription" comes to mind..but that was GNARLY abuse.
Once you've gone through a shock therapy Sarno adventure, you can start generalizing. I was pretty neglected growing up but i don't need to work through every time my Mom left me alone...certain 'extraordinary' events are sufficient to generalize that I have 'issues' and that self awareness has been sufficient.
I got the living piss kicked out of me getting mugged when I was 12...it happened a few more times, but I don't need to relive each and every one.

Franz Alexander, who Sarno reviewed in 'Divided mind' thought each one needed addressing...I agree with him on the extraordinary ones, but the longer I live , the more I bore the crap out of myself ..The Lionshare of our experiences are redundant...the important part is Imagining how all of that experience collectively turned me into someone who needs a symptom....but yeah it might be good to list them ALL your first time through. It's not a contest, it's a house cleaning

 

Haha! I’m so there with you! (Ok, I’ll keep chugging away. )

 

A lot packed into this quote. Especially someone who needs a symptom.

 

This has been my experience as well. Especially now when I experience a relapse of TMS, I only have to realize and accept that it's TMS for it to go away. Sarno talked about this being like pulling back the curtain on the Wizard of Oz and seeing it's just an old man pretending to be powerful. Once you see it for what it is, it no longer has power over you.