Day 9 Self-Criticism

Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this?
I think the question is 'when am i not overly critical of myself'? I had a ridiculous moment of clarity recently, when thinking about the recent successes of my peers that I'm not sharing in, that I don't give myself enough credit for the things that I have accomplished. I'm definitely a 'glass half-empty' person by default, and I find the inability to acknowledge any successes in light of all the things I failed to do, to be a pretty pervasive tendency in my life. I think this behavior stems from a further tendency to constantly compare myself to others - specifically the people who are doing better than me.

I have done a lot for someone my age. But surrounding myself with driven and talented people means that I've also surrounded myself with people who have done everything that I have and then some. I just can't stand not coming out on top, and that's because I always did as a child. Stuck out like a sore thumb. It was a bone of contention socially, but I think I've always derived a lot of my self-worth from my ability to just 'crush' anything I do with a facility and ease that most people lack. It's afforded me a lot of opportunities, but those opportunities by nature surround me with people who are my equals and superiors. It was like, I couldn't derive much self worth at home, where I was ignored and lost in the mix of everybody else's problems, but standing out and outshining my peers was a way to get positive attention. So if I don't stand out, I get mad/upset/frustrated/jealous/resentful. This manifests itself in self-criticism because I don't want to admit these feelings to myself. That vicious cycle has led to the pain that has paralyzed me and amplified this vicious cycle, because up until recently, i felt totally worthless because I simply couldn't do anything. Ugh, so complicated.

And then, even when I am well, I have this strange resistant attitude toward even the work I love and enjoy. I am a horrible procrastinator. The resistance is strong. It's another way I paralyze myself. The physical symptoms are a convenient excuse to perpetuate this behavior. And as a result, i get nothing done. And when I get nothing done, I get down on myself. And when I get down on myself, I get nothing done...

(Completely changing the subject, I have to say that I now notice a difference in my hands. I haven't resumed a normal level of activity by any means, but I feel like I notice a 40-50 percent improvement in my hands and wrists when i type. Still lots of cracking and popping, but the worst aches and pains are milder. I hope this is not me hallucinating or just a natural lull in the cycle of my pain. But I really have been typing a fair amount lately...so I'm hopeful.)