Day 9 Self criticism

I've skimmed the reading for today, because I'm also doing Dr Schechter's workbook and I'm on day 18 of that. It brought up some really strong feelings. Ultimately I have determined that I am the most selfish person ever, and everything I do is either designed subconsciously to get me attention or love. Now I don't know if this is self criticism or a justified conclusion to what I have been journalling about. But it's really shaken me. I feel like everything I suffer through has been caused subconsciously to achieve my inner child's goal of receiving love/adoration ... And if not, then as justification as not living upto the ideals I felt I was 'destined' to achieve vows childhood messaging. I had a very loving upbringing... But there was unsaid pressure to achieve and be successful 'oh you're so clever' as an only child, and only grandchild, and only young person to several other 'elders'. So I can never live up to these ideals and need to subconsciously find excuses for it.... And at the same time get love because I'm scared that it is conditional on my achieving..... Feeling pretty drained right now!