Day 25 SEP Question: how I'm doing so far

Write a forum post on how you are doing so far, and what apprehensions you may have about this treatment or your life in general.

I'm starting to feel like I can feel my feelings. It's becoming more commonplace to pull myself away from thinking about pain to checking in on my body, my brain feels calmer. I feel calmer in general and when I feel symptoms able to wince and still check in on myself.

The uglier parts- I still keep worrying about my big toe- it's the one that I healed last year reducing pain through a miraculous prayer from 100% pain to 95% pain. It acts up when I work out, or walk on it, and it has been a challenge to stop myself worrying about it, even when I'm experiencing nothing at all, and keep reminding myself that it's just conditioning.

How can conditioning be so vicious?

So my apprehensions about this treatment lie mostly in the correlation between symptoms and activity with my big toe especially, and my persistent fears that there is something 'wrong' with that part of the body. The Word of God says I am healed, and God Himself asked me, when you prayed for your toe, it improved a lot, right? And i say, yes. You are able to put weight on it now, and you couldn't before, right? And I say yes. Then He says, why would i have given you a partial healing?

I DON'T KNOW, GOD.

Then He says, well if you are healed, and you still have symptoms, the only logical explanation is TMS. Dr. Schubiner says that if i can put weight on my toe (it was the seismods that were hurt accroding to MRIs and some kind of triggering event in Feb last year) then it must be healed. He says, don't worry. He says, you are fine.

BUT I STILL STRUGGLE TO BELIEVE.

The creator of the Universe and a certified doctor. But my lack of believing has gone down. I can feel it. If I was at 100% don't believe, I'm now at a 35%. Calming the brain through soothing techniques has been so helpful as well as doing affirmations a couple times a day.

My knee is still the same- so I haven't had any symptom reduction whatsoever, but Dr. Shubiner said the knee is definitely normal so I barely think about it. I still worry about it when it's triggered and it's still a battle pulling away from it and into my psychology or into God's word. But I can do it.

The other day I met a recovering TMSer who was all like 'I'm not better, what is wrong with me' and that state of mind scared me, like oh God may I never go there. I'm trying to get to a place where I don't care anymore. That's what I want more than anything. No fear, I don't care- whether or not I have symtpoms. I want to be free in my mind.