Shutting down: Is this normal?

Over the past few weeks and months, I have shutting down. I’m the kind of person that even when “relaxing,” I would go overboard. I would read two books at a time while trying to write a novel which I would pretend would become a series which I would pretend needs to be finished within months. While writing it I would ponder the writing groups I should join and how many people I should get to review the novel. I would look for a new book to read while I was reading the other two. I would be scouring for new freelance work so I could earn some money as fast as possible and as much as possible. I would read the Bible and make lists of passages to memorize. I belong to the 12th step program Al-Anon and I would plan how fast I could work through the steps, how many people I should contact; how many meetings I should go to per week and how I could help in the meetings.

As I’m sure you can see—and I can now see—this is all ridiculous. And creating a tremendous amount of pressure that has resulted in TMS.

My latest thing is I can’t really stand to read more than two sentences in a book. I have no desire to read a book. I have read a book a week and more since I first learned to read. You could say it’s my drug of choice. And now: nothing.

I don’t want do any TMS homework. Constant journaling or studying. I don’t want to do any freelance work. I don’t want to write a novel and I just pretty much dropped out of Al-Anon. The reason I dropped out was because I’m trying to eliminate thinking about tragic things on a daily basis. (It’s somewhat unavoidable in that organization.) I’m afraid it’s making my adrenaline too high.

My question is —is this a normal phase to be going through? Is this the new me letting go of all this pressure? I’m just really really tired. I’m tired of everything I used to do and everything I used to be.

I don’t want to continually ponder how I’m letting everyone I know down. I don’t want to owe them anything anymore. I don’t care if I’m a helper. In fact, I hope people stop thinking I am good and helpful. I don’t care if my kids think I’m a good Mom compared to their overly involved in laws. I want to just tell them to count me out. I’m not even going to offer excuses anymore. I just don’t want to come over. I don’t want you to visit. Everything about my relationships with them is too hard. I’m tired of trying. I want to take a break.

I want to start all over. I want to see what life feels like when all I do is breathe in and out and do the bare minimum. I want to feel like a valuable person without a report card of achievements (real or mostly imagined). I want the load on my back to lift. And I want the roaring craziness inside me to halt.

In the past few weeks it has started to get quiet inside. It feels amazing. But part of me is lost. I used to never get bored. Now I get bored.

What do you make of it?

 

Diana, this post couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me. I'm going through something similar right now and am curious to hear other people's thoughts. I personally recognize it as self pressure and trying to be perfect.

For example, I thought I loved fitness and working out, but today I made a connection to some harmful comments my mother made toward my body as a teenager that propelled me into a massive focus on vanity and achieving a certain body. I just realized I don't even really like working out because I put immense pressure on myself to look a certain way instead of focusing on health instead. I've stopped it all together and am reevaluating it all. Do I even enjoy it? Is it bad if I stop fitness all together after so many years? I don't know what to make of it. I want to hopefully discover a compass in me that tells me what I truly enjoy doing for pleasure.

Anyways, I hear you and sending you love and a hug. Take care of yourself and listen to yourself.

 

A few months ago I read that people who love themselves don't get bored of themselves.

I went through the phase you are talking about @Diana-M and @HealingMe
I questioned whether or not all my past interests were really my personal interests. Who WAS I?
I quit working for 4 months.
I was lost.
But...then I decided that I WAS who I always was and that it was just more TMS brain protection, another ruse, another way to keep me questioning and not doing the work.
So I woke up every morning and did 10 minutes of ETF tapping because this was making me have some extra anxiety. ETF centered and calmed me.
Before anything else I made a coffee and did my journaling, by making it more enticing for me. How? What was calming and centering for me in an environment? For me it's being alone, door closed, and nobody listening and a candle or incense burning. I made myself journal.
Then I made myself eat (at this point in my life I was having a hard time eating), and take care bathing slowly.
I had also read that brain re-training for people who like to run at the speed of light might include some serious mindfulness. So I showered slowly, used creams and lotions and forced myself to slow down.
I made myself move even when moving was freaking impossibly hard. Laps in the hall if I was afraid or couldn't go outside. On sunny days laps on my patio.
I forced myself to begin taking back my interests: I spent my time with my plants, and when I could, my sewing. That may have been 10 minutes once a week but I did it.
Forced myself to get back to work which was incredibly hard, because I must present myself as being upbeat and feeling good. In a few weeks I began to see that working DID make me feel good even in it brought out some of my TMS tenancies. How could I put those tenancies to work for my own good instead of against me?
For awhile I was on a schedule, not to be ridged but to make myself do stuff and in between doing things and getting back to normalcy I meditated, or listened to audio books.
This was hard work, but it's part of the psychological stuff, the icky sticky gooey stuff we sometimes have to wade through with our rubber boots on.

Right now I am sick, and so much of this feeling of having to walk through heavy sludge in rubber wellies has come back to me. It's a great reminding of having some kindness and compassion for yourself and this new "phase" of healing. I just looked at it as a necessary step I needed to go through to get out. We can have physical increases in sensations but we can also have increases mental and emotional stuff we need to wade through. It's all the same thing.

 

Your response really brought me some comfort tonight. You hit on some things I needed to hear during this very confusing time for me. It's fascinating because when I'm not walking through heavy sludge in rubber wellies as you described (this is where I am at right now too), I find excitement in the things I used to do even if they brought out some of those TMS tenancies.

This is a wonderful way to look at things. I will take this advice.

I never through of it this way but this makes a lot of sense to me.

This is where I struggle and it brings out those TMS uglies for me. I begin to get to rigid with my schedule, with my workouts, whether I meditate daily, or practice self gratitude, etc, I question "do other TMSers go through the same things? or is it just me and I'm doing something wrong"? How do you find a balance to not bring out those uglies and cut yourself some slack?

 

@Cactusflower —thank you for this. It all makes sense. When we take our TMS journey we rattle every side of the cage. I appreciate your story and everything you did to heal.

I’m glad we’re in this together, @HealingMe. You are the one who originally taught me that thinking is everything. We can control our healing with our thoughts. And it looks like sometimes our thoughts want to control us. But we’re learning!

 

“How do you find a balance to not bring out those uglies and cut yourself some slack?”

Well, your tendency for rigidity is not serving you, is it? It’s creating pressure, and probably making you subconsciously angry that you “have” to or “should” do TMzs stuff.
If you are already conciencously doing the work the maybe it’s time for you to learn to integrate the work into your daily life. If you are journaling to work on feeling emotions in your body or to desensitize a reaction to them, why not work in that in the moment? When you “think” oh wow, I’d do angry.. stop a second and let it flow through you.. and then maybe just journal two or three times a week. Work on sensing when you need to journal vs have to. Work on boundaries, expressing yourself to others in ways that is easy to communicate and easy for others to hear: express your needs. Find new ways of meditation or being present: purposely learning to be in the moment on walks, slowing your pace, sitting and doing nothing for moments of time (or focus on breathing).
So many TMS skills can be employed in the moment, utilizing creativity and having fun with the process.
I no longer journal although I have one and have a quiet, private space if I need it.
I don’t meditate often, but focus on things like minimizing multitasking, walking slowly, changing times of day when I do things, purposely skipping doing certain things.. it’s all training my brain that not doing is as equally safe as doing.

 

This is a major positive breakthrough!

The 'cure' for boredom is to be present as much as possible. When you are present you will start to notice little glimpses of things that actually do interest you... these may be things you've done before or new things.

 

I became tired just reading your first paragraph. That's an exhausting amount of striving. I think your body has been telling you that you need to stop and rest. Just rest and be and breathe. Take a much needed break from it all. When it is time to get back into things, the motivation will be there. Trust yourself and your inner wisdom.

 

Just want to comment on the title you gave this thread: Is this normal?

Who cares?! You're judging yourself. How you feel is how you feel. Let yourself feel what you feel. TMS occurs when we put a lid on our feelings. I shouldn't feel this way and I should feel that way.....on and on. Be true to yourself. You feel tired and want to rest. Allow it.

 

I became tired too, as I wrote it! It helped me see the extremity of my constant goal making. It IS quieting down now that I’ve shut that down. And I think my whole heart and soul is craving it. A much needed break. Thank you, @Ellen , for saying to trust my inner wisdom. That helps a lot! I think in my whole life I’ve never cut myself a break. I’m also realizing that I had to earn love and approval— especially with good grades and by being helpful. Those are the two things I value myself with. (Writing and reading anything as an adult recreates that school feeling. Gives me value. Helping in organizations like church and Al-anon recreates my “value” as an oldest sister. )I want to learn to feel valuable —to feel worthy—just by being alive. Being me. Another step on this journey.

 

@JanAtheCPA
Thank you Jan for weighing in on this. I always appreciate your thoughts. The interesting thing about this theory about depression—which doesn’t offend me at all because I’ve fought it my entire life —is usually when I’m depressed, I lean very heavily on all these activities that I mentioned—reading, writing, etc.

This forum is so great for self discovery. The minute I wrote this post, I’ve been thinking so hard about what might be going on. I think it might possibly be one of those cases where you think you’re going backwards, but you’re actually going forward. I’ve never been able to stand alone without something to prove my value. And now I’m actually willing to have zero identity other than myself. I don’t have to earn being worthy through productivity. This is a very frightening and strange experience, but also exciting. I think if I don’t shy from it, I will learn to feel comfortable with peace. And as you say, I’m sure my TMS brain will be giving me a hard time about it.

If I’m depressed about anything, it’s that my symptoms are much worse on a regular basis lately, than they’ve been (with the exception of the recent incident where I felt better), and it feels so discouraging. When I’m feeling strong, I think of all this as extinction bursts and it’s proof I’m getting somewhere. But when I’m feeling weak, I just think maybe all of this is hopeless. I know that’s a terrible thing to express, because none of us on the forum needs to think like that.

Ultimately, I will never give up this fight. I’m on the journey. It includes this. The stripping away of all my former protections, my former ways of valuing myself. It will be wonderful to see what comes of this. Maybe I will gain true self esteem?!

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everyone responding to my posts. I take everything you say to heart. I honestly don’t know where I’d be without you. I mean that! Thank you!

 

That was awhile ago! Although, I sure don’t feel like an expert.

 

point well taken, dear Jan ❤️

 

100% <3