Day 30 so embarrasing

Growing up there was only a very narrow band of acceptable emotions. Any verbal expression that would cause disagreement, conflict or disappointment from my parents was not approved of. So all those unacceptable emotions when they occured (usually not expressed) turned into physical pain or depression(in a nanosecond). Or if they were expressed resulted in physical pain or depression. This is the way it has been all my life.

So now I am trying to change. I am trying to express my opinion even though I know others may disapprove. I find this so embarrassing. These are really minor situations but have caused a violent physical reaction.

Sunday night sitting at dinner with friends discussing recent events I expressed an opinion on several issues differing from everyone else in the group. Normally I would not say anything, or my opinion would be mushy, or concilatory or the peacemaking. I did not do this. I expressed it as a professional. I woke up at 3:30 with violent diarrhea and wanted to throw up. up.

 

Well, it could have been the food but my husband was not ill.

Next night I had my book club. I did not like the book at all. Normally i would give it a 5 to not offend anyone or to not disappoint anyone. But I gave it a 2 out of 10. Across from me was a good friend. Upon hearing my opinion I saw her grimace, shrug her shouders, roll her eyes, heavy sigh all in disappointment. She gave the book a 10. So I awoke again feeling physically ill never being able to go back to sleep.

So, wow, this is crazy. I don't trust any physical pain I have as being founded in an actual physical problem. I feel it is driven by my mind. Am I on the right track? will I eventually being able to state a differing opinion and not want to throw uo or not have physical pain?

Plus I have been sleeping ok but stll waking up at 4:30. But I would take 6 hours of sleep anyday. Now I am waking at 3:30 plus an earlier awakening. Yuke, i want more sleep.

 

You could see this as a good sign...the last hurrah of TMS. You are aware of what's going on so the symptoms are changing or increasing in a last ditch effort to get you to repress feelings.

The story about the book club--you expressed an opinion and your friend invalidated it with the eyeroll. Who wouldn't find that enraging? Maybe this was a one-time incident with this person who really loved that book. I have found, though, that I've just had to back away or invest less time in certain people.

 

We learn patterns in the family of how to act and behave. You mentioned above in the first post, in the family it was not o.k. to express anything that did not agree with the ' family ', there was a 'narrow band' of acceptable emotions and if you went outside of the 'safe zone' and you knew, you would suffer by the parents.

When you went to dinner the other night with the group, in a sense the family scene was recreated. You expressed something outside of your well defined comfort zone and you felt physically sick, you repeated the pattern you learned as a child.

When there is a negative experience it becomes coupled with how we inherently already feel and how harshly we judge ourselves . This creates an enmeshment and a self reinforcing mechanism, the feeling you can't break the cycle, it's fixed, and it's stationary. Your'e already breaking the cycle... because you shed the light of awareness of your own observations onto it.

The book club is again, is symbolic of the family recreated and your reactions to being honest were met with disapproval ( eye rolling girl ) and you responded by repressing and feeling sick. I bet the lack of sleep is another symptom of the way you struggled as a youth. When a negative experience happens we shade all parts of the experience, the good, as well as the bad and only see, and feel, and remember the bad. The Eye Rolling girl, was perhaps rude and immature to express this way, but she won't be repressing it in her mind and body later, she felt safe to express her disapproval of your low book rating. She too is entitled to her opinion, even if it doesn't match yours and you need to be o.k. with that ... break the cycle.

I think your'e on the right track and you will be able to express yourself with out throwing up and loosing a nights sleep. Your'e right, the food was fine !

 

Thanks for your feedback. I do feel like I am on the right track just really weird body stuff. I stopped taking my liquid Potassium for leg cramps because I felt it was another unexplainable illness. It has not bothered me significantly for several mths except during these last 2 episodes. The cramping was significantly worse than it ever has been. I had severe cramping from my ankle to my hip bone. There goes that unconscious mind trying to create doubt.

I did feel invalidated by her body language.It was enraging but I wrote about it to try to get perspective. That did help.

I do feel like I am starting to break the cycle because of the level of awareness. Thanks, Jilly, for your insights.

 

You don't need her validation, all you need is your own validation of yourself once you do that, roller eye girl won't phase you ...

I once heard, family and friends don't like it when we become better because now we're hard to deal with, they liked us better when were struggling
and kept our mouth shut and did what we're supposed to do.

I agree with Veronica, the symptoms are ramping up to distract you .... she said, Last ditch effort ! Tell it BOO ! Away with you !

 

SandyRae I so appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and share your story and progress, and Jilly, Veronica - thank you also for your most helpful and encouraging suggestions and comments.

 

I am telling it BOO away with you! You no longer have a strangle hold on me.

Yeah, I can see where family and friends want you back the way you were because you kept your mouth shut and did what you are supposed to do ... which was pleasing them.

Yes, no longer are people's reactions to me a validation of who I am. I acknowledge their reactions but validate myself.... yeah!!!

 

Me too, SandyRae...but they still get me sometimes, when I'm asleep at the wheel ! LOL !

 

Boy, does that ever sound familiar, SandyRae! Sounds like dinner with mom and dad all the years I lived in the same house with them. I never developed physical pain, but depression was so pervasive in my psyche that I didn't even realize as a child I was so depressed. It was 'situation normal,' or as they say in the military, SNAFU. I think the psychologists would say I exhibited symptoms of disassociation, which made me into a brilliant but stand-out social spastic in school. But physical symptoms did develop: Allergies and asthma, which I of course assumed were genetic in origin or else caused by pollens, animal dander or house dust. However, thanks to Dr Sarno and this group, I can really see how those symptoms developed exactly at the same time my mother tried to divorce my father when I was 7 years old or so. But speaking your mind and noticing the development of GI problems means that you're on the right track: Becoming 'mindful' as Dr Schubiner would call it. Letting it out and expressing yourself challenged your conditioning and your body fought back by going symptomatic. The quote above testifies to your burgeoning self-awareness that will be rewarded in the long term by a fundamental improvement in your TMS I'm sure. You really do sound as if you're catching on to the dynamics of your emotional situation, and that, as you must realize, is a very important first step in the recovery process.

 

The weird body stuff is weird...I have weird stuff happen too. I just keep the faith in the process ... check out problems with a doctor if they don't resolve and secretly smile to yourself when he says ... " Can't find anything wrong "

I love my doctor. She is a D.O. and doesn't get excited about anything. Last year I had chest twinges ... so afraid, she did an EKG ... normal ... I wasn't satisfied ! There MUST be something WRONG ! She thought I was stressed out ... she was right . Now I know I was TMS'ing

Hang in there * hugs

 

Morcomm, I had allergies and asthma too. My allergies first started when my Dad told me he and Mom were talking about getting a divorce. i was around 8 years old.

Your right... letting it out and challenging my conditioning caused my body to fightback wanting to go back to homeostasis.

I can see how deeply ingrained the behavior is in my unconscious ... wow.

I know, Jilly, I have to stay vigilant... no doubt it is going to bite me in the butt when I least expect it. I will need tons more practice.

 

We're here to support each other, we learn from each other, it is safe, and we can do it ... we're getting reacquainted with our mind body, like learning to walk all over. We're going to feel weird stuff in our bodies. We should call each other... Mind-Body Check In ! Hows it feeling ? LOL ! and laugh...laugh A LOT ! Find the joy Be silly ... that's part of the mind body too * hugs

 

Yes, isn't it amazing how "programmed" all our behavior is! There are so many "triggers" around my parents' old house I can see how my TMS emerged here after my mother's death. It also seemed to replace my allergies and asthma, which have subsided since my parents' deaths. I still notice how there are certain areas I subconsciously avoid because they were "forbidden zones" defined by my relationship with either mom or dad. It's like there are "mommy places", "daddy places" and areas that "baby Bruce" was permitted to inhabit without intruding into one of the "forbidden zones". Once you become aware of the ingrained patterns, though, you can take positive steps to undo that conditioning.

 

Isn't intriguing too whether there is a genetic reason for developing allergies but that gene is only activated if a specific set of emotional circumstances arises during your childhood: Some fundamental conflict between superego figures that causes your allergies or asthma to develop and become symptomatic? I did used to notice that when I was in grad school in Denver 1100 miles aways from my parents, my allergy and asthma symptoms were much better. If I went home on Christmas break and lived in this house for two weeks, it took about 3 days for my allergies and sinusitis to come back. I know an allergist would say it was air-born inhalants in the house, like pet dander or house dust. But the emotional environment has to be considered too I'd say. But that's the way it is with body-mind symptoms: one interacts with the other. I think there's something called epigenetics, which involves studying how genes predispose you to have certain health conditions but only in a certain psycho-social context. Chicken or egg? Dunno!

 

My Mom And Dad don't have allergies or sinus problems. My sister's allergies/sinusitis problems have been horrendous as you have described yours MorComm. When I would go visit my parents in a very dry part of the state I would get my allergy/sinus problems. Where I live now where it is much rainier. I rarely get sinus problems. I am supposedly allergic to mold. I would say NOT.

 

Wow, you have made me realize that my allergies and asthma cropped up at 6 when my parents were getting divorced.

There's not much to add, Sandy, to all the great responses above, except that personally I don't ever count as friends people who punish me for having an opinion that is different than theirs. I don't necessarily avoid them, but I would not seek them out either. I am still responsible for my own reaction to them, of course, but given a choice I would prefer people who love and support me just the way I am. Pretty much like members of this forum
Terry