Someone give me hope

Last year at this time, I had a freak accident during a medical procedure where my sacral nerve was pulled internally. The pain was horrific, my life flashed before my eyes and I knew that what just happened was serious. That turned in to the most painful summer of my life. I had to get an MRI to make sure I wasn’t internally bleeding. I wasn’t, but I had unimaginable sacral pain for months, sciatica, tingling, throbbing, sharp icepicks, pain to my feet. Over the counter painkiller couldn’t touch it and was basically incapacitated for at least 4 months. If I didn’t already work from home, I would’ve had to quit my job.

It was during this time that some serious childhood trauma was unleashed. No doubt because it was stored in my sacrum. And the emotional pain made the physical pain worse. The continuous cycle.

Here we are a year later and I seriously hoped that things would be different. While things ARE better, I’m still dealing with the consequences of that procedure. Still having sacral pain, nerve tingling, throbbing, IC, “pudendal neuralgia,” some icepick nerve pains.

The main problem is, whenever I do emotional release exercises, it makes things 100x worse. Normally I wouldn’t mind and I know things need to get worse before they get better, but this knocks me out of functioning for 2 weeks. I’ve been working with a trauma therapist to try to balance all of this.

It was such a freak accident and no one could've known. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly have my “how could this happen?!” and “if I never got that procedure I wouldn’t be dealing with this” breakdowns, but I get on with my life. People say the central nervous system can’t heal. I say that’s bullshit. And I’m not giving up because this gets on my last...nerve... (coping with humour).

 

The body is amazingly resilient. I believe every nerve in the body can heal as long as it isn't severed. Dr. Sarno did write that nerves heal slower than muscles.
As I read your post, the last paragraph says, "I try so hard to not be angry...." This might be where you are stalled out on healing.
Go ahead and be angry. It doesn't matter if it was an accident or not...it changed your life. That's enough to be angry about.
Let that out. At least on a journal page. Scream. Yell. Blame....let your 3 year old self have a tantrum. It sucks what you're going through.
So often we women cope with humor because we feel we don't have a right to be pissed off, or no one will tolerate us being mad.
You don't have to let anyone see your journal pages. You can rip them up right after you write them.
I used to use red crayon and write pages of anger strung with cuss words.

It releases it from your suppressed conscious and puts it out there. Do it until you don't feel like you have to "try to not be angry."

That's my best advice. Believe that you are safe. Believe you deserve to love yourself. Believe you can REALLY get on with your life.
Yes, it might make the symptoms worse for a bit. But, don't fear that. Keep doing it until your brain accepts that you don't need the symptoms to hide your true feelings.

All best to you.

 

Oh I DEFINITELY get angry. What I meant to say is I don't throw a pity party and stay there (I've now edited it). I know a huge part of the sacral pain is from childhood trauma-which I am now working on. But I keep getting stuck on the fact there's an "actual injury" in that spot as well. It makes working with TMS difficult