Day 1 Starting Over

I did the SEP once. I am starting over because I think it might help others read what I have expereinced as well as writing this can help my brain sort this out.

I feel I am on the brink of eliminating so many symptoms. I already have and many are just minor blips of pain that show up. Recently I have been dealing with Anxiety so i revisited Claire Weekes and in 2 months I noticed a dramatic improvement.

I am becoming more active again. I am going to the gym and able to work out for an hour. In the past it has been 20-30 mins tops with major nausea after and feeling like I had been run over.

My pain has been flip flopping, from pain to anxiety they seem to take turns at bat. However I noticed something very interesting as I somatic track pain I can literally feel the fear under the symptoms. Partly it is a fear to let go. To truly be free of pain. This isn't a conscious thought but I think there is a fear of being truly free of all this somehow since it has been with me for years now. It's as if I am afraid of something, this concept of not having pain almost seems like a dream. Of course I want to be pain free and enjoy my life but there is obviously more work to be done why there is a reluctance to let it go.

I went to visit a friend whose wife has had GERD, as I leave the house after dinner I get a squeezing in the hiatal area. This was kind of incredible that this could happen. It stayed with me the rest of the night. I understand that this came from a fear that what if I am not totally cured? Then next morning I had it but it went away when I saw some friends and totally forgot about it.

I decided to do more fishing and relaxing things, like writing or painting. When I sit down to write or type or paint I get a back pain in one side on the erector spinae muscle along with this squeezing in the hiatal area. I know this is emotional because when I take a break it goes away.Hmm. Happens like clock work. Same thing happens when I go fishing, which I love. Back pain, anxiety and squeezing in the hiatus. I challenged it and kept fishing practicing outcome independence, but I eventually had to stop because it was incredible pain and made it hard to breathe. As I walked away the squeezing lessened by about 90%.

Then I started experiencing throat pains or tension. This one didnt scare me too much so it went away after reading someone post about GERD and just ignoring, and it did. Then some chalky feeling in mouth came up and it lasted 3 days, it was annoying it was that feeling like i was dehydrated but I wasnt. That also left after reading success stories.

lastly in the am I feel some hiatal squeezing, some reflux with no pain or burning just something coming up and often fear. I continue to practice acceptance and it keeps helping with many things. Outcome Independence seems to be the most difficult thing to keep up because after a week I want the symptom to go away. I guess it takes time. I feel like at times I am on the cusp of a real break through and other times thrown right back in to TMS.

 

I've been there. In fact after a couple of deep meditations/thinking sessions or DIY therapy -- whatever you want to call it -- I'd get up completely symptom free. No more hiatal tension as you call it, no more migraine fears, no more neck tension, my buttock and pelvic areas stopped clenching, everything. It was so sudden, that I was actually alarmed by it, and lo and behold the symptoms would come back! It's very sad to say, but for those of us with this TMS personality, comfort is the unknown (or at least hasn't been known for a long time), and the unknown is scary at first.