Day 1 Starting over

This typed via touchscreen, sorry for typos. My iPad underlines stuff but won’t offer me a chance to edit.

I had gone through a few weeks of this program about a year ago. An integrative medicine Doctor handed me a copy “The Way Out” by Alan Gordon. I devoured it and went down the TMS rabbit hole and read all of Dr. Sarno’s books. I was doing significantly better and then a consult that had been scheduled for GI popped up and it set me back. Pain that had departed had returned along with a layer of panic and anxiety that I hadn’t previously experienced.

Let’s go back. My father is a sufferer of TMS/PPD and I have watched him go from skeptic to believer. He was given a catheter because of prostate swelling for months and tons of meds tossed at him with no relief. Each time they’d pull the catheter they’d have to recath and tell him they’d try again in a month. I sent him a copy of Steve O’s book and he committed to doing 30 days of Journal Speak with me. On day 30 the urologist pulled his catheter and my dad pissed freely and has not had prostatitis since. At the same time his back pain he has suffered and complained about throughout my entire 35 years is gone at 62. He is one of the primary care givers for my nephew and when he is overwhelmed by the little one he gets a flare that he says he identifies and targets with somatic tracking.

I have experienced the transformation possibilities of this work personally and have witnessed my father’s marked recovery.

When I look back over my life, I have had TMS throughout most of my adult life. My childhood was a mixed bag of good and bad like everyone’s, just some parts were a bit extra rough. My mother was addicted to rx pain pills following a car accident, so she wasn’t really present even when she was present. My father was an island, stuck in a marriage he didn’t want with three kids. He was beaten miserably as a kid and while he refused to beat us to avoid becoming his father, he was as far away as my mother and merciless in his ability to belittle you with his words. As a result, my father and I had very little to talk about until after I left the house and struck out on my own.

Just before my eighteenth birthday I joined the Marine Corps and while I had a great run for the 6.5 years I was in, I sucked up every injury I could so as to not let anyone down. I had chest pains, nerve pain, migraines, teeth grinding, knee pain, back pain, ankle pain, insomnia. It was one thing after another. Once I finished my stint and started college, a lot of the pain went away. At the same time, rage became an increasing visitor. The at the time what appeared to randomly pop up were things like low back pain and sciatica. I see now that they correlated with stress and sometimes a physical trigger mixed with stress. I continuously pushed through, just avoiding or coping my way around the issue.

In 2017, just after finished my second bachelors in Pre Med Biology, my best friend and college mentor was diagnosed with cancer. The next few years after that are a bit of a blur. Once that friend succumbed to cancer, a second friend and father figure followed shortly after, along with grand parents, dog, friends and family, cancer, drugs, accidents, etc. 12 deaths in total from 2018-2020. Further, my mom was diagnosed with liver cancer, my wife opted for a career change to the military while I was pending acceptance into med school and our first child was born. I spiraled, the bulk of my inner circle were wiped out in two years, including my beloved German shepherd. I started to have panic attacks and gi symptoms, I worried constantly over my health. A panic led to a hospitalization and my gallbladder being removed. It was fine.

I recovered but then felt the weight of everything crushing me. Panic, pain, rumination, bringing and raising a child while dealing with all of this. I was having crushing chest pain, my daughter was nearly here and I was submitted for a chest echo. I waited months for the test, my daughter was born and shortly after having the echo. I received a call telling me I have mass damage to my heart and heart failure. Boom, panic hits me and I’m unable to think straight. I wait a month to be seen and then I’m cleared and told the first echo was done poorly and that I do not have heart failure.

Later that year, I was doing better but the constant worry was consuming my life. I was present but not present, I was trying to think my way out of this mess. Then my wife was unfaithful. I wanted to die, pain hit me like a freight train. To cap it off I had just told my mother I would take her into my home for at home hospice. My nervous system was so strung out I passed out one night and crushed a metal trash can with my spine. I was found on the floor having a seizure as a result of the trauma. Shortly after this event I began to have a GI bleed, I was told I had an intussusception and a mass in my small bowel. Mentally, my brain just embraced the panic. Then I was told that all finding were no longer visible on CT imaging and a subsequent full GI work up cleared me of GI issues, minus my previously removed gallbladder. I was trying to raise a daughter, save my family from divorce, and assist my mom while she lived out the remaining of her life on hospice.

My world was crushed, but after several months I got myself somewhat on track. This is about the time I was handed “The Way Out”. I went all in, I returned to full physical fitness, dealt with the waves of pain but the panic was largely gone. I agreed and went on a big game hunt, averaging 12 miles per day in the big mountains. The morning of the trip I was so stressed out I passed out yet again. I called my buddy (an ER doc) and said F it I’m coming anyway. Following the hunt I trained and competed in an international 3day sniper event and finished. I carried 90 lbs over the course of three days in the January slush for 30 miles while maintaining a 13:30 mile pace. Then a month after the event, a GI follow-up tanked me and brought the panic back. The doc said he could feel my liver was swollen and I had intestinal changes, he put me in for a mess of testing. From February of 2024 until August of 2024 I’ve spiraled down to the deepest depths as I’ve awaited the results and to see that doc again. At the beginning of August I saw the doc again and he said every test they conducted was normal and that I have nothing GI related to be concerned with.

So here I am, I’ve aired everything out. I’m willing and have been doing the work. Today is my second day one of SEP. If you took the time to read my rant, I commend you. What am I doing now physically? I am walking or rucking (with 30 lbs) for 30-60 mins daily, rock climbing 2-3 times per week (I’ve found it’s a good outing and I can talk to adults and not just my children), cycling and dance classes 2-3 times per week at home. Where am I struggling? Anxiety, rumination, sleep, pains in back/hands/feet/neck/ankles/intermittent burning mouth/intermittent frequent urination. All blood work is normal, all docs have cleared me once again.