Day 1 Starting the journey again...

Hey all,

I found tremendous help in this site and forum last year though I never followed through with this program and I think it's time to do so now.

The main symptom I have is heart palpitations - I notice they come around times when I start new relationships or get ready to travel or make big changes in life, so any time I feel vulnerable I get them. I should add that I've been to four or five cardiologists in the last 15 years, had several EKGs, halter monitors, doppler, echocardiogram, stress test, etc. and everything has come back fine. Sometimes it's just a couple a day, or sometimes I have them several times a minute and it can last days or weeks even and it drives me nuts. I've been doing therapy and meditation for years and that hasn't made the symptoms go away - in fact I think I get palpitations more frequently now than I did in the past. Each time they come I feel worse, because I can't control my body, I'm angrier that I can't make them go away no matter what I try. More and more I live in fear of them coming back and keeping me from living a normal life, which I know makes it likelier that they will, and I am sick of it.

Right now I'm going to be following the Educational Program, the new Pain Recovery program, and mainly the method that Dr. Sarno has outlined in his books.

The logical part of me is almost certain this is stress related, or at least related to physical issues caused by my stress. I used to have terror that I was dying, but now the suffering comes from the idea of living in fear of symptoms coming back, of not being able to control my life, and the desire to be free and feel normal. Last night I started with the writing exercises from "The Divided Mind" and made a list of my stressors. I realized there are so many places where I feel vulnerable or out of control and also how much rage I have pent up beneath all of that, so I look forward to exploring these issues more and bringing things to light that I wasn't aware of previously. I'm scared of doing this though because I've been through a lot of trauma in the past and a lot of my behaviors today come from ways of coping with that trauma.

Right now I'm entering a new relationship and I want to be present, so there are a lot of vulnerability issues coming up (I have avoided fully putting myself into relationships for years). It's also been so hard to sleep lately because the more I try to force myself, the less I do, and I feel like I can't relax because I have to keep myself occupied. I'm actually scared of relaxing. And I know that also makes my symptoms worse. It's like there are two parts to me right now - the one that wants to get free and the one that wants to stay in the old ways - and both are at war with each other but neither will give in. In a way that's a hopeful sign because I'm less able to go back into denial than ever. And posting to a forum like this for support is something I would have never done.

Ok I think that's enough for now. I look forward to continuing with this journey and thanks to everyone who has read so far!