Day 1 Still working on it...

So this is my introduction to the SEP. As people have seen in my other post know, I'm still not 100% convinced of the TMS diagnosis. I'm working on it. I've researched it a lot and been reading The Way Out and Alan Gordon's message really resonated with me, that it's possible for pain to begin in a structural way and then for pain to turn chronic. I have had Interstitial Cystitis/Pelvic Floor Dysfunction since 2020 but was doing okay. In July 2025 I had Botox to my pelvic floor. A week later I entered the hell that I'm still stuck in, non-stop pain and urinary urgency/frequency. I have had issues - I had a UTI for several months and also have extremely tense pelvic floor muscles as diagnosed by my PFPT but I now think the main cause of my pain and muscle tension is fear of the pain and anger at doing the Botox procedure.

I had also been going through some serious mental health issues in the year leading up to the Botox.

I am looking into seeing a PRT therapist but I'm extremely suicidal so I'm trying anything I think can help. I want to believe TMS can help me.

What would a life without TMS mean to me? So much. I cry every day wanting my old life back, just before the Botox. I have hated myself so much for doing it. I know I need to forgive myself but it's so hard. I miss all the things I used to do, I miss not being suicidal and crying every day. I miss being alive.

 

I’m glad you’re taking this step Zeus. I think one thing you’ll realize as you continue on this course is that the Botox wasn’t really the issue. Your nervous system was primed by a variety of things and if it wasn’t the Botox it would’ve been something else. I know it’s going to take time, but try and let go of that anger and regret over that decision.

you’re in the right place now.

 

Your nervous system and brain latched onto this idea of the botox being the cause when it's not. Your brain is always trying to make sense of the world and to it, this is what caused your unbearable pain. In my TMS, my brain latched onto the idea that certain foods were "safe" and others were not. So when I ate the "unsafe" food, I was in total agony. It's taken several months for my brain to accept that food is not the cause of the pain. Definitely forgive yourself. You were only trying to take care of yourself and follow a doctors advice.

Starting the SEP is a great first step! Also looking for another therapist is another great one! It's time to put yourself first and take care of yourself! You won't regret it!

 

Thanks @Rabscuttle and @Joulegirl. I think I am the classic triggered by an incident and then my brain took over and turned the problem chronic situation that I've seen Alan Gordon describe. I did get a severe UTI after the Botox that went untreated for months and my entire nervous system and pelvic floor is clenched constantly out of fear of the pain.

I am trying to let go of the anger and regret and pain at choosing the Botox. I wish ezer was still around as their situation was kind of similar to mine, I've been reading their posts on pudendal hope before they came to TMS. I think the PRT therapist will be able to help me forgive myself for choosing it.

 

Just going to point out two things
1) it’s super common that we feel the need the support of someone with a similar story, this is a distraction by the brain and even when we find an identical situation the brain still extends the goal posts. Total Reassurance is not likely to come from others. TMS is TMS.
2) you admit to having pelvic floor issues for nearly 6 years, but they became unbearable semi recently. You’ve likely (almost unquestionably) had TMS for 6 years but the message that something was amiss wasn’t really getting through- which again is super common in this space. It’s only when the pain becomes severe and all consuming that we realize holy shit something with the way I’m living is off.

I’m not saying this to be pedantic or condescending, what you’re describing is unbelievable common in this world. I was there. Thinking it was a vasectomy that did me in. I was manifesting TMS symptoms for literal decades and never changed course and my brain finally decided it had had enough.

 

This is all totally fair. I have a whole host of mental health issues including OCD so I'm even more prone to trying to find reassurance than the average person. I'm trying to find my own inner belief that my symptoms are TMS and that I can heal.

 

You’ll get there. OCD here as well, meditation has been a game changer for me. Highly recommend the YouTuber Ben Smith, avoid guided meditations if possible!

 

how did you know I always go to guided meditation?? why do you say to avoid?

 

Oh I didn’t know. But it seems a lot of people go to guided meditations. I used to do them a lot, and they have their merits but as a whole I think they’re a bit of a crutch. An important aspect of meditation is discipline and connecting with your higher self, guided meditations aren’t really great for either of these things. I think people get turned off by unguided meditation because their minds are going nonstop and they feel like they’re doing something wrong. But that’s a part of the process, each time you meditate on your own you get a little better at redirecting yourself back to your breath or a mantra or an image, whatever. It’s similar to TMS work of redirecting away from obsessing about the symptoms and thinking psychologically.

 

At this point I need a crutch but I'll definitely keep this in mind. I have always had a hard time meditating.

 

I use what I'd call mildly guided meditations with singing bowls. Often, at first there are simple slow spoken guides to remind you to breathe and simply let go, to set your mind afloat and yet pay mild attention to the body and then the guidance ends and just has some music to let you get farther into the zone.
I also do use some shorter guided meditations that help me get off the mind's hampster wheel for a bit. I does not have the same effect as a longer less guided meditation but sometimes it's what I need (especially before sleep).
I don't do well sitting just in complete silence to mediate yet (and it's been a few years since I started) but I can now walk for several miles in quiet - which is an improvement (previously listened to music or an audio book).
I think the main thing is to simply work towards a goal without having pressure or feeling you've "failed" at mediation. Play around with it. See what works best. An hour or so is a good time length to let yourself get in the zone and stay there for a few minutes. It can take a lot of practice to get your mind and body to let go.

 

100%
Regardless what method you do, the intention and willingness to try matters. You can’t fail!