Day 5 Struggling

I'm on Day 5, and I've had some successes, which I'm really quite excited about. But I've also had some setbacks and am dealing with the fear, stress, and anxiety that they bring about.

-We had to put one of our cats down on Wednesday. He wasn't old, but he did have an inoperable mass that wasn't discovered until it was too late. I was frustrated because we'd taken him to an emergency vet weeks ago and they did some very expensive x-rays and ultrasound, but didn't find that mass. I don't know that the outcome would have been any different for him, but losing him hurts all the same. And, of course, it brings up those feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness that I struggle with pretty much constantly.

-After being on sabbatical for several months, I am soon returning to my teaching duties and having to submit the results of my research. The problem, of course, is that I spent so much time dealing with my back pain that I've done precious little research and almost no preparation for my return to teaching. There are those feelings of worthlessness again.

-And my business is failing. Again. Still. We've been open for over 5 years and have never shown a profit (other than two or three months over the years and those have been less than $300). I had to sign a personal guarantee on the lease, so if the business goes our landlord can come after my personal property and garnish my income. And he likely will.

-I am traveling this weekend to spend time with my sisters. One is older and the other was an Ancestry DNA surprise. Apparently, my father had a better time in Viet Nam than he let on all those years ago. I'm excited, of course, but also nervous. My older sister can be a bit mean sometimes (and we have serious baggage from our childhood) and I don't know enough about my new sister to know, really, what to expect.

So, my back is hurting. Logically, rationally, I know it's TMS, but I'm struggling with really feeling it enough to successfully deal with it today. So, after a few good days, I guess I chalk this up as a bad day.

 

Hi @Ruth65
I hear you on the constant feelings of powerlessness and worthlessness. This is my problem as well. And SO many things trigger it. Your troubles this week sound pretty hard. I think they would tend to throw anyone off. Maybe you could just be extra nice to yourself. I know this is sometimes easier said than done.

 

Wow...I thought I was the only impatient one.
You are doing GREAT! You are on day 5 and already know what causes the pain...it takes some people a long time to get it...Do NOT beat yourself up.

I am sorry to hear about your Cat. I have been more connected to my pets than to people in life and I know how deeply it affects us AND a lot of other 'normal' people don't get it.

Teaching? Fake it...I take classes and my professor doesn't notice maybe, but we learn the same stuff over and over...repetition is the mother of skill...Teach them what you already know.

..and Money...let it all burn. There are no debtor's prisons in America. You might think about your family, your cat or maybe who you passed wisdom onto on your death bed, but I doubt 'I wish I made more money" will be on your list.

Peace...and mindfulness around family, new and old....leading cause of TMS

 

Thanks @Diana-M for the kind words. Yes, some weeks are certainly more difficult than others, and this week was particularly hard. I will try to be extra nice to myself, but as you say, far easier said than done. Just knowing this community is here - and understands - has been a real life-saver. Thank you!

 

Hi @Baseball65 thanks for the words of encouragement! I tend to take all of my responsibilities very seriously (too seriously most of the time) and I think that's where a lot of my stress comes into play. I always feel like I could have done more, been better, tried harder, and so - of course - I tend to often feel like a complete failure. My best friend says I have a Superwoman complex. I am working on that. If anything, the TMS has forced my hand.

Thanks again!

 

This community is so great! It is helping me so much! I’m glad you’ve joined us!

I also demand an unreasonable amount from myself. When I took Alan Gordon’s class on the wiki I learned that this internal pressure really drives TMS. So I’ve tried recently to literally cut all my “goals” and self demands deliberately by 3/4 and even that fourth of a goal is still probably too high. But I’m learning to let go. It feels very odd!

 

I am only on day 10, so by no means an expert! I hope you can focus on the positives- you are seeing improvements, and learning to assess what is causing the pain. I bet in the past, you would have done anything to simply be where you are now!
Obviously, I don't know enough about your business, but if you haven't had any profits in 5 years, do you need to continue it long term? You are teaching, so you have another career already. You haven't made money on this, so it isn't like you would be missing out on money if you stopped. I know you said you have loans to think about. Would switching your mindset to focus on covering your debts and having an endgame be helpful? It sounds like it is a stressful thing in your life with little benefit. Maybe you could use the time gained from being free of your business to focus on other things you are missing out on, whether it is personal, or professional.
This diagnosis and treatment is an opportunity to look at your life with a new set of eyes. I hope it helps you find a new path forward.

 

TMS core, 101.
One of the things I noticed when I got well....only the guys at work who gave a damn, had a family and responsibilities, cared about their work...only THOSE guys got back pain.
The 'connected' guys who didn't have to worry about employment and money..those guys never had pain!

Obviously I hung out with the former, and so it seemed that 'everybody' has back pain..but that wasn't true..everybody like ME had it.
..and you are like me.

peace