Symptom imperatives. Am I doing this right?

I've come a long way in my TMS journey. My initial TMS symptoms have been on the run as a practice shifting my mindset, journaling, etc. I've been able to live a fairly normal life while knowing I still have work with my mindset.

For the last year, I've been getting a lot of symptom imperatives. First it was bladder related and after I stopped fearing that, it moved to headaches. I stopped fearing headaches and then it moved to pelvic pain and eventually sciatica for 3 months. I got my initial check, everything was fine, and the fear eventually went away with the symptoms.

I have a current symptom imperatives that's making me feel a little crazy and I feel like it's hard to shake. About a month ago, I woke up with a loud vibration sound in my left ear and a feeling of it being clogged up. It's very similar to when you have a cold, except I'm not sick. So since this was unusual, I went to the doctor just to make sure I didn't have wax build up or an infection, but I do admit my nervous system reacted to it. I got the intrusive thoughts "what if this doesn't go away" etc. I got checked by a doctor, they said no infection, no wax, but he could see bubbles and basically said my eustachian tube wasn't working properly and gave me a script for a steroid which I ended up not taking. The next day, my ear was back to normal.

Since then, every 3-4 days, I get a fullness sensation in the same ear. First it was in the mornings when laying down on one side, now it happens whenever. It can happen at night in the afternoon, while I'm standing etc. It hasn't shifted to the other ear, it's just the left. For the last couple of days, when I feel the sensation, it never fully clogs like it did the first time. I've been just allowing it to be there, and it usually goes away.

Well yesterday, I started to notice it coming up. I accepted that it was there, tried to ask myself how I was feeling, and went about my day. I went for a walk, and someone with mental illness started growling at me and following me. I felt very scared in this moment, and thankfully was able to run off and not get followed. When I got home, my ear was fully clogged, had a loud vibration sound, sensitive to noise, and started ringing. And it is still here this morning.

I know that this is TMS. But I can't shake how strange my ear feels. I'm noticing some thoughts of " I should see an ENT not just a regular doctor" but I honestly feel crazy with the amount of times I've gone to the doctor in the last year to check things out. And this was checked out a month ago. They didn't necessarily say it was ok, but it wasn't dangerous. I've found a lot of posts here about tinnitus, but not necessarily about a clogged ear sensation. I actually feel like I have a piece of cotton lodged into my left ear and can't hear as well out of it. When I try to yawn or swallow, only my right ear will clear. It's exactly what happened a month ago.

I guess what I'm asking is, is this the work? Having these scary sensations pop up and just work on allowing them to be there knowing it's TMS? I do recognize I am in a bit of an anxiety state that I'm trying to get reassurance of. Any advice appreciated!

 

Absolutely "This is the work"!
You've been doing an excellent job, and your mind is still just in a space where your nervous system can't move between it's states with an elegance and ease that is needed for self-regulation.
So now you know that you haven't been regulated previous to your encounter - it makes sense that your encounter and increased even momentary true need for your nervous system to kick in raised some sensations. What else did you sense during your encounter? Obviously your body felt the need to move out of there. Did your heart rate increase? Breath quicken? And were you able to absolutely accept those sensations as a form of heightened alert and in this case, the way your nervous system is supposed to work when in danger?
Now perhaps you can see more clearly how your nervous system regularly operates in this heightened alert but your brain latches on to sensations like your ear etc because it's not fully functioning normally.
You are correct you need to work with mindset (ak, doesn't all of humanity!), and probably still need to work with emotions especially anger (did you journal about this encounter after it happened? That might be a great idea) - along with other ways of what some call "self soothing" or "calming" which is really just making sure you do fun and relaxing (or learning some new techniques to help you do that) stuff to continue regulating your nervous system - and perhaps recognize how you respond to anxiety...as well as being cool with the fact that you have triggers that are simply gonna set off the warning bells and it will take a bit (sometimes hours or days or weeks depending on the person) to get your nervous system back in sinc.
It sounds like you weren't quite in equilibrium yet anyway, with all of your symptoms chasing their tails.
Have you read Claire Weekes? She is so super at helping us recognize that many of our symptoms are simply temporary signs of anxiety and her techniques can really work on this "regulation" - and reminding us that our thoughts are simply thoughts and are not truth.

 

Hey, thank you so much.

I definitely know that I still have work with regulation as I still react to certain sensations.l even if just initially. Walking is relaxing to me and something I do every day. When this person approached me aggressively, my body absolutely reacted. Heart races, surge of panic, thoughts of " I need to run, is he going to hurt me" etc. I called my husband who was close by but noticed that this person was far enough away and I started to calm a bit. But no doubt I was still coming down from that encounter.

You're correct that I need to keep working on both of those things. I've addressed a lot about my personality in terms of not feeling like I need to be perfect, saying no, taking care of myself etc. and I have worked with emotions and mindset, but those have always been more tricky when something physical pops up. Especially something I'm not familiar with.

That is a great idea to journal about my encounter. I didn't even realize that could make me feel angry but now that you mentioned it, it does. Now, I struggle with the self soothing when I'm active in sensations. For example, my husband told me I should watch a TV show that I enjoy. But when I try, I kept thinking about everything sounds weird with my ear. So maybe I need to find another soothing activity that doesn't rely on hearing? Or maybe I should and that's the point?

I have been listening to Claire Weekes this week on my walks, actually! She is amazing. The funny thing about all of this is I was talking with my husband yesterday saying " Claire is teaching me how to react my sensations and since I can hear my ear getting stuffy, this will be my opportunity to practice" and then I woke in the middle of the night with a loud vibration sound coming from my ear that disturbed me!

One of my intrusive thoughts when I listed to Claire Weekes is " well I don't feel anxious in this moment, I just have XYZ (ear pressure, ear ringing, headache). I find I get hung up on not hearing my exact sensations.

 

For some of us, it just takes time! I still often notice my sensations, but I try not to label or judge them. I think that's a great stage to aim for. You acknowledge them, perhaps even journal about them but just once. Write about how they have made you feel, and then write about how you feel about actually doing the work about judging them. Once I noticed I was judging them as bad or unwanted, I found it easier to begin reframing the sensations around my emotions. Eg. today I've been trying to call my Mom, who very elderly. She's not picking up. I KNOW this brings up subconscious thoughts of her thinking I'm a "bad" daughter for not calling her two days ago and so on. Gee, that's enough self judgement to make someone..>ANGRY<! This is all pretty much below the surface. It's just constant other thoughts eg. noticing symptoms that come to the surface. I just keep on going. Re-direct. You are on your walk and your ears have symptoms and then it's "Oh, look at the cloud formations, nice!" and keep going. In 5 seconds your mind is back on symptoms but you smile and keep on walking. Your choice is to keep on re-directing or ignore ask much as you can. You don't need to be perfect, you just keep on going.
You read Claire Weekes and you let it ruminate and peculate. I know every time I read one of her books so many other gold nuggets come up for me. You work on the skills she offers repeatedly, - days, weeks, months or years and you simply don't do it with self pressure or the need to be perfect.
My suspicion is that your hubby recognizes how hard you are on yourself and really does understand TMS, and understands that you don't always stop to take care of yourself and relax. Watch TV, read a book, do your walk, knit, crochet, draw, play table tennis, go to wine tasting, bowl, go dancing at a club, take a boat ride, go surfing, sit and stare at the clouds....do whatever it is that brings (or brought in the past) you joy. Sometimes we loose our joy for awhile and just need a refresher. While you do those things just keep working on the skills Claire teaches you.

 

Thank you! I will take a listen.