Day 15 Symptoms moving around

Yep symptoms are definitely moving around. ever since I read the Sarno's book I knew it was TMS. i guess I trusted in his theory mostly because of the amount of people who he had helped cure. I get the pain in my arms, neck, hips and since i recently started skating a whole lot now sometimes its my lower back. It wasn't until recently that I decided the full extent of my hip pain was due to TMS....guess what tonight I went to Karate and I was able to move my hips a whole lot more freely then what I have been able to in a long time. When I feel the pain this is how I am starting to think- its not what your doing that's causing the pain, what you are doing is totally fine. Any voices that tell me I am doing it all wrong or any feelings of fear (for being wrong) i tell myself you are totally fine and i love and support you in what you are doing cause you are more then capable of doing it. I say it to myself with love as if i was saying it to my hypothetical child. I remind myself the pain does not mean that you are wrong and also that there maybe some emotions you aren't feeling. Sometimes I will try to relax to see if any emotion surfaces but the whole discovering and feeling your repressed emotions is something which i find difficult so generally I'll just take stabs at what it maybe that is upsetting me and sooth myself through some positive affirmations. This seems to help strengthen my spirit. Means the pain isn't always putting me into despair mode.

 

i also find it helps me to say i have all the time on the world to learn how to do something lets slow it down spend some time with what you are doing That seems to help to. Eases the stress of feeling like something has to be complete

 

I know the perfectionism and fear of failure play key roles for me. Plus anger that I don't feel at all is pushed way down inside. When I feel pain or the dark cloud of depression float into my head it many times is the repression of anger. When I hear or see disappointment from others in me it too causes pain or depression.

I had a big "aha" recently. All my life I have "visually" watched everything in other people; shoulder shrugs, facial gestures, sighs, head rolls. I would interpret these as unhappiness or disapproval with me. And I always believed my interpretation was correct. I am finding now it is not always correct. I also journal about this interpretation to help my awareness of my thinking.

Thanks for sharing Edward.

 

Stella I could've written your post myself...it's exhausting, isn't it, to feel like you're always doing something wrong? Even if it turns out it's not true (I think in most cases it isn't true) it still takes up so much energy to "fix" the situation. At least that's my experience. So glad to hear you had an "aha" moment. For me, I only understand that that these interpretations (of me being "bad") aren't really true and are most likely projections of my own insecurities, and past experiences where I didn't pick up on a social cue or two, after the fact. I think I know subconsciously in the moment that I'm projecting. Still working on getting that revelation into consciousness during the interaction though...every so often it works, but my inner bully often throws a fit about that (who are you kidding, look at her frown that's clearly about what you just said, etc.) ...

I never really thought about it until now, but could it be that perfectionism is linked to this? I am constantly trying to be perfect (something that rationally, I know is unobtainable but emotionally, I still strive towards) in every way. Perhaps interpreting others' behaviors as me "not being good enough" drives me to always be cheery and bubbly and smart and kind and never angry and never sad and never catty and always there for every friend, every person who ever needs a hand...

...I wonder...

 

yep hard. I totally agree with both you guys and I do the exact same thing. And it is so about standing up to your inner bully. Was at choir today this woman who i believe to be really shy looked towards me ( i dont know what she was looking at) but I took it as her getting annoyed at me cause I sung out of key or something. i had to remind myself to stand up to this thoughts and not worry about it. Felt really empowering. When i feel that pain I'm going to think about what is it that maybe making me angry or depressed. I've started kinda doing that already. Cheers for both your comments I think the idea of being excluded is probably a big one for me also

 

It is complicated understanding how all these traits intertwine. Seeing or hearing what I interpret as disappointment pushing the prefectionism pedal then the never feeling good enough pedal then the inner bully puting on its boxing gloves beating me to a pulp for a minor flaw then anger intertwined among them all creating pain, anxiety and depression....whoa!

But we can do it...yes we can.

 

At least we know what pushes the pedals, perpetuates the cycle, etc. I remember a time when I didn't know what was happening - simply that it was. That was so, so much worse. As much as I'm frustrated by these thoughts/behaviors that are still fueling each other, despite this awareness, I'm reminded that simply having that awareness is huge progress. I'm not a very patient person (or rather, I can be but it's not my natural state) and right now, I want to tear my hair out because I know what's causing the perfectionism, I know there's a protective (as opposed to destructive) side to my inner bully, I know why I don't feel OK expressing angry anymore...I know all these things, yet they keep happening. But I need to remind myself of that time before, when I didn't have any of that knowledge, and find some patience, or have faith, or something, because at some point this awareness will help me change these destructive behaviors. I mean, they have to. Otherwise, what's the point of becoming aware of them in the first place?