Day 27 Take a past event or strong emotions and journal about

Insomnia.

I’m going to be as honest as possible.

When I was 28 years old I had an attack of insomnia. I was renting with a friend and all of a sudden one night I could no longer sleep. My stomach seized up and I was lying awake all night long for days. I thought I was going to die. Now, in retrospect, I believe this was caused by chronic anxiety. I have a history of worsening health conditions over the years. For my benefit, I’m going to list the timeline of events here:

• Age 12: Major falling out with friends, which I took so seriously I became depressed and never quite recovered from.
• Age 13 to 16: feeling very anxious and low self-esteem.
• Age 16: Started to get a feeling of unreality. Spaced out, couldn’t get my head straight / fuzzy head
• Also age 16: I didn’t have any friends at school, and was eating lunch in the toilet, as I was ashamed to be seen sitting be myself day after day. Writing about this makes me feel so sad. I need to figure out how to journal about this one more.
• Age 18: Chronic back injury while working out. I had thrown myself into martial arts and weight training to mask my many insecurities. Dropped out of university, couldn’t sit on a chair, back was in constant spasm for 3 years straight
• Age 20: Developed fibromyalgia in all my joints and wore bandages for the pain.
• Age 25: Glandular fever and chronic fatigue
• Age 28: Insomnia

Oh jeez. At the time it all seemed so random and just a list of bad luck events. I thought I had some chronic internal physical condition and it drove me insane feeling less than and ashamed of myself. Haha, not a great place to be in to get better from TMS. Now, looking back on it in a different light. It all makes so much sense from a neurological stand point. I was stressed the f*** out all the time and living in constant fear that something terrible would happen to me. I can / could always feel the monster lurking in the shadows of my mind, telling me you’re no good, things will always go bad for you, you’re unlucky / cursed, nobody could love you / like you, you’re worthless. I forced it down and told myself if I just controlled every little thing in my life that my problems were solvable. I would analyze every variable, food eaten, environment I was in, medication available on the weirdest corners of the internet. I could beat it if I held on tight enough in every way I knew how. I would take antiparasitic herbs, reduce my diet to rice only for a time, stress about every little item in my physical environment, I would avoid every possible contaminant. And the internet had so many choices of how to torture myself into obedience. No wonder I was exhausted as f*** and worried out of my mind. I always had my ideal, ever since this started, to be calm and relaxed, that was what I desperately wanted but no amount of faking this worked at all… any way that’s my way of piecing together a TMS puzzle which I had parts of previously, knowing that something was very wrong with my approach. Sure, I took / take immune boosting drugs which helped a lot, but it never, ever erased the permanent worry that it would all end badly. So, is it any wonder that in my late 20’s I stopped sleeping almost completely, and in my desperate need to gain control and sanity, moved back home for a few years to the only place that offered the hope of a good nights sleep.

And for the last 20 years I’ve been dependent (addicted) to benzodiazepines. Until a year ago where a sleep psychologist helped me realize that I had anxiety. Haha, I never pieced that together. Came as a pleasant surprise to put a label to the unease I constantly felt. I thought that was due to physical health issues. I must say, that was the turning point, to put a name to the monster in the shadows. I’m off benzos a year ago though for some unknown reason my anxiety has gotten worse! A year later I’m searching for more help online and I read a story about the nervous system tie-in. I feel like I’ve uncovered something good. And here I am now, doing the SEP, and finding it very helpful and educational.

 

Mando, Have you read Hope and Help for Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes? That has all the answers you could ever want. My story is similar to yours. A lifetime of symptoms, and never understanding what was happening. Always just surviving it somehow. That is so great you are here now. We both are. We have answers at last. And a plan.

 

No, I haven't read that book. I'll add it to my list! It can be next month's book

I'm still slowly working through the audible version of Feeling Good, which has been a great recommendation so far. Cheers for that!

I think this TMS forum is great and can only be helpful. It requires we take a good, honest look at ourselves, which ultimately, can only be good.

 

Glad you like Feeling Good! And you will love Claire Weekes.

 

I'm being more honest than I've ever been, by far. It's not easy to write it down and post it all online. My mind tells me NOT to post it and to keep protecting myself, mainly because I find it highly embarrassing and I'm ashamed I wasn't that cool, easy going guy who everybody liked at school. I think there's a lot there though, it's a small start to share it with the world. The next step is for me to somehow let it go, that I'm not that person any more. It makes me soo sad to write about so I need to keep working on it.

Thanks for the recommendation. I'll definitely watch that podcast!

 

I share these feelings with you, @Mando. It’s so hard to do. I feel like it has helped me but I always have a lot of regret when I expose myself. I noticed that it does have a healing effect, though. We’re only as sick as the secrets we keep.

 

@Diana-M I totally agree. The secrets are poisoning. It's hard to post them here though only temporary. I feel like it's a step in the right direction to become more honest with those in my immediate life.

 

I think you’re right!