Tendonitis all over - TMS?

Hello,

I am a 33-year-old woman from Germany. I was perfectly healthy, walking 20 kilometers a day.

However, after my father's death three years ago (I was his nursing relative), I had to clear out his house and moved from a big city to a small village. My partner and I were carrying all furniture ourselves, which made me develop tendonitis in both knees (all tendons of the knee were affected, MRI showed mild inflammation). This became chronic and the experience of "losing my legs" made me suffer terrible times.

On Oct. 23, I did gardening work (trimming bushes with a heavy pruning shear), after which I developed tendinitis in both shoulders, upper arms and elbows. Doctors said inflammation and that 10 days of painkillers (Ibuprofen) will fix it, but the pain persisted.

Recently, I developed Achilles tendonitis from stomping on a hard surface with my bare foot a few times while I was in panic and rage.

I am in constant pain, with my mobility reduced to 10%. Homebound for the past 3 years. I wake up multiple times every night with shoulder/upper arm pain so severe that I feel like I have just woken up during surgery.

I am a highly sensitive, empathetic person, a "giver", also having experienced significant loss and trauma as a child (losing my single parent mother to alcoholism at 16, suicide attempt after that, dealing with her alcoholism from 11 to 16, years of bullying at school) and being a people pleaser/fawn responder. I was in therapy for anxiety and panic disorder. Generally low self esteem.

Additionally, I lost my 2 last friends because of my condition (they just couldn't accept it) and my 19-year-old cat died after we moved. I no longer have a life, feel very isolated and now live in constant fear of "injuring the next tendon" or "worsening things even more" and "losing the tiny bit that's left". I feel so broken.

My partner is chronically ill as well, and I feel like I'm a burden to him also. I try to do everything by myself but I can't, and I'm afraid to move my body at all by now.

In deep depression and feeling suicidal, I stumbled across TMS just 3 days ago.

I have noticed patterns in my behavior, such as:

• Obsessively researching and by that self-confirming my condition (ex.: to me it was clear that nerve-endings had been growing into the degenerated knee tendon tissue and were causing the pain and that this was irreversible)
  
  
• Being TERRIFIED of moving my body at all by now because it could cause another injury or worsen the persisting injuries
  
  
• Initial activity (stomping, gardening), after that obsessive thinking that it could've caused another tendonitis until panic kicks in and boom -> there it is (small time delay between activity and pain starting)
  
  
• Pain in certain areas seems to have a life of its own - knees get better and worsen again (in my thinking this is caused by me resting or by yet again a "wrong" activity)
  
  
• My thinking orbits around my pain and body 24/7, and I am in constant fear and panic
  
  
• I am a very creative person and used to draw/paint/write a lot, terrified of losing my left arm (left-handed) -> pain in left arm is worse than in right arm
  

On the other hand, I'm still doubting it could be TMS as the horrendous pain wakes me up every night when I'm fast asleep and not thinking about it. Sometimes I do small movements and suddenly pain kicks in when I wasn't even thinking about it. The physical pain feels so real and researching confirms that.

I am torn between seeking medical advice once more and exploring TMS as a potential solution.

I'm afraid medical advice could convince my brain further it is merely physical. Tendon inflammation is all I have ever been told.

From my story, do you think TMS could be a possible explanation for my condition?

 

Yes.
This is 100% TMS
Think about it rationally. How much sense does it make that you would have tendonitis in that much of the body?
It makes no sense.
None of your symptoms are uncommon with TMS - it is a subconscious mechanism, so pain at night is not uncommon -you just aren’t always aware of what your mind is doing.
Good news is: that the tension in your mind creates tension in the body - so it is benign! You are actually just fine but your brain thinks you are not. You have been overwhelmed with difficult circumstances and emotions and as Dr. Sarno, who discovered TMS says, a deep anger - a rage which you are not able to yet feel or accept.
Read a book by Dr. Sarno - he explains how to begin dealing with these emotions, confronting your fears and returning to life.
Welcome, and best wishes! There is hope!

 

Thank you so much.. yes, the idea of TMS responds with my deepest gut feeling. Yet there's the brain screaming "but you overloaded your tendons here and here, remember? You wake up every night, see? Doctors said inflammation, right?"

But it's a big relief to even allow the thought I could actually not be physically broken.. I will dive into the topic!

 

Yes, of course.
This is where self-compassion is essential.
Knowing your mind is only trying to protect you from difficult emotions helps to remove even more pressure and stress we create for ourselves to heal and do it quickly.
Knowing and accepting that you will change in many ways, deeply as a person to do this work is the reward! Life can be beautiful and rich.
If you can do it today, venture outside to deal the warmth of the sun on your skin, and feel a little beauty from the universe.

 

Please research Dan Buglio on YouTube as he talks about fear being one of the main reasons your pain persists. I also had pain all over, it’s got a lot better but still not in the clear since finding him.