Day 23 The feelings beneath

I've been having shooting back pain on and off since last week. It came one day after I decided to resume creative things. It took me a while to piece this together. The same day I resumed my creative endeavors I had been writing poems and did several sketches. I was excited and felt joy. I had been to the gym the day before and I was sore, normal soreness. Later that evening a sciatic pain started to creep up and it progressed up my back and eventually to my right scapula.

Today, I woke with the same pains. I allowed myself to feel the pain as I lay in bed. I let the pain guide me and closed my eyes and I started to feel some apprehension. Fear of resuming creative endeavors under the previous kind of perfectionism and scrutiny was one thing.

Secondly, I decided to stop teaching at Academia. A fear around doing things on my own came up as well.

Lastly, I am moving back home. I haven't been there in 6 years. This one is pretty loaded since it ties into reasons for leaving in the first place such as wanting to make something of myself or prove to others that my poverty wasn't going to dictate my life. I have some fears (irrational) about returning. The fear is that home will turn me into a generic run of the mill person who will become what I feared (a mainstream person who prefers TV to reading, ie becoming a mindless consumer etc) - No offense to anyone who does these things, it's just my own stuff to work around.

As I think about something of these things I can feel my back pain go up and down. Now I see what to address.