The importance of not beating yourself up with negative talk

@Sonic brought up an important point in a recent thread regarding embarrassment and negative self-talk:

"I can relate to your post mate and there is something you mention there that relates to my past expeperiance about past embarrassments. If you are ruminating and thinking of these often then you will be no doubt beating yourself up with lots of negative self-talk. All this can result in ramping up the tension in your body and if done over a sustained period of time. This can cause any amount of symptoms/conditions in your body.

Stress = tension = Symptoms

Make peace with your past and be done with it. Easier said than done I know. Mindfulness worked best for me and is a great skill to learn for anyone in life.

I would recommend Hope and help for your nerves by Clare Weekes as she touches on how guilt, sorrow and disgrace can cause us to be ill. She offers good Avice on how you can take a different view on whatever situations are causing you to be embarrassed or whatever.

Not only that but this book also outlines a cure on how you can get out of this mess."

http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/looking-for-anyone-who-has-had-a-similar.18157/ (Looking for anyone who has had a similar)

I wanted to share my story of negative talk in case it resonated with anyone else while on this journey. I KNOW bashing myself up has led to the worsening of my TMS symptoms and I wonder how much further along I might be had I not gotten myself into this habit I'm trying to unlearn.

I've dealt with what I now believe to be TMS for over 20 years. About 5 years ago I took the brave step to start removing negative influences and toxic relationships from my life (very hard for this people-pleasing goodist). As scary as breaking up with friends and relatives was, I knew I had to do it to preserve and cultivate happiness within myself and to realize I was worthy of people who would accept me for who I was rather than changing everything about myself in order to pleas them (I realize now it probably didn't please them anyway...they'd be unhappy with me either way). I'm also happy to report that, after taking some time to discover who I am without the influence of these people, I was able to bring some of these folks back into my life and some connections have blossomed (while others have not, but have taught me great lessons).

At first the feeling of standing up for myself felt wonderful. I was on a high! But gradually I fell into a depression...who was I without these people? Who was I without someone else to validate me and tell me I was ok and worthy of love and acceptance?

I fell into an ADDICTION of negative self-talk and beating myself up with harsh words. I did it because it was hard to resist. I felt so crappy inside it was just easier to hate myself than cultivate the original love I had wanted all along. It actually felt GOOD to talk to myself this way! I thought if I just gave in to that urge it would give me the motivation to start doing what I wanted to do. I found the opposite to be true...

Here are some things, over time, I CONVINCED myself were true:

"You are not worthy of love"
"You must earn love"
"You are so ugly"
"No one will ever want to get to know you"
"There is something very wrong with you, you are a freak"
"Everyone else has it figured out. Why don't you?"
"You are running out of time to accomplish your dreams"
"God made a mistake when he created you"

Talking this way became my drug of choice. I've never done drugs, have never been drunk. But it sure felt good to beat myself up inside. Before falling asleep at night I would list off all the things I hated about myself, all my body parts I hated, all my flaws. I'd cry myself to sleep hoping the next morning I'd wake up with the inspiration to DO something important and good so I could finally love myself. So others could love me.

But I only became more depressed as I started believing all these ugly things I told myself.

After years of soul-searching and praying and DECIDING these things were not true (yes, it's a decision, it's a choice...it doesn't always happen naturally. You have to WANT love for yourself and make the choice to move in that direction) I'm working to undo the damage I've done. And it's hard work. But worth it.

The physical pain, the TMS, was a main motivator to get my thoughts in order. But there's something deeper, very human, about knowing we are meant to love and to be loved. I believe it's so ingrained in what we are we NEED that love in order to thrive! My message to you is to never underestimate how IMPORTANT self-love is! It's CRUCIAL to well-being!

If you ever find yourself talking to yourself in a way you'd never talk to your loved ones, STOP! Don't get in so deep that it becomes a habit, an addiction. To me, it would is the same as harming yourself physically, much like cutting in order to get a release of all the tension built up inside. You think you feel relief...but in the end all it does is harm.

And, like any addiction, I'm now realizing how deep I dug that hole and how much work it will take to undo that habit. But it is worth it.

A belief is only something you've told yourself so often you've come to think it is true. Those thoughts are not always true, especially if they are negative. Those words are merely habit. And habits can be undone...

 

Is this the same as Claire weekes. Self help for your nerves. Please.

 

Yes

 

Great quote, Homestead Hermit!

I am happy you're making this journey back to love. How important this is for us in all aspects, and how easily we find ourselves cut off (apparently) from what our hearts know we want and need. I think it is a life-long journey, and probably the most important journey for me personally. Thanks for the reminder and encouragement.

Andy B