Day 9 The Lava Lamp

Day 9: the previous night I had a great dinner and deep conversation about changes we are making in our lives. We did some hippy ass intention setting of things we would like to let go of, but i soon felt it was sincere and let go of my inital thought about it. I realized that hippy or not something exists inside all of us to be free, happy and connected.

I enjoyed a beer but by the end of it and then had a massive vertigo episode, and exaggerated effect of a beer buzz. Then the symptoms started, neck pain, anxiety, foot pain, hand pain, wrist, back and head ache. In one hour my body was turning on switches of pain and it was moving around every couple of second to several minutes. Wow what the hell??

It was late and I did a meditation and went to bed. Eventually I awoke with no symptoms until I remembered what had happened and then they all suddenly came back. I decided that this was either some extinction burst, which I have never fully known if I had one or it was just more symptoms, or it was something new trying to start. Either way I was going to go on with my day.

I went to the gym and the vertigo kicked up heavily. Rebellion? Fear? Perhaps. I decided OK well, I’ll start with the treadmill and just walk. I get started and quickly move into sprints. I felt I wanted to laugh at my symptom. I start feeling panic and then subsiding and then panic then trouble breathing then after 5 minutes of running it went away. I kept thinking “well you know it’s impossible to pass out while you’re taking in this much oxygen” and it stopped the charade. I worked out hard. As I lifted I imagined crushing my fears and during my breaks I pictured my hands working into my body and smoothly running over my back and internal organs like a massage. The vertigo tried coming back again but I decided it didn’t matter. I finally stopped after my workout and left.

I went to the store afterward and felt trembling and anxiety and like I was about to cry. My legs were shaking visibly and I found it hard to keep my balance but I kept walking. I didn’t care if I had to crawl and everyone would see me.

After leaving the store, in the parking lot, in my car, I cried as hard as I did when I was a child. But it was as if I was releasing something, but what? Fear. Fear was leaving my body and my attachment. I have only ever had this experience while under the guidance of a somatic therapist. After crying I felt chills and warmth.

Afterward I felt calmer, joy, excitement. I had a productive day. I changed the oil in my car, took the dog out, went to work. I had some small blips of fear and pain but nothing like before. My 5-6 o clock panic and anxiety didn’t come.

This may not be setting the tone for tomorrow or the next day. But I do know that something felt released from me. What I am feeling now feels like a lava lamp, pain and anxiety moving through my body, coming to the surface asking to be let out.

 

Congratulations! You are experiencing the turmoil of the TMS recovery as it gathers steam and brings with it an exciting clarity to the direction you should personally take. Well done for being able to release the fear, you may truly be integrating the TMS mindset. Make sure you fully celebrate your successes along the way, they are amazing and profound. You are doing extraordinary work. Remember the panic, pain, vertigo and all the other weird symptoms are all the same thing, so using your TMS tools with all of them is appropriate.

 

Thank you. I look back at when I first started this in December 2017 and how much fear I had over doing ordinary things. I feel like I am growing a little more confident and letting go of my fears. Acceptance has been a big part of my progress since Jan of 2019. It has made a big difference and now I see how repressed emotions have also played a role in all this. The work put forth by Alan, Schubiner, Weekes and Sarno have helped me in so many ways as well as all the people who have been through this who reply and post with encouragement and sharing their stories.