Day 13 the long journey home

I'm 38 and have been in pain since i was 21
until this week i used to think that TMS came on in my early 20s
that everything before this was rosey. peachy even.

"I've only been anxious since my back was bad"
"I've only been frustrated since the pain started"
if it weren't for my back.... etc etc

Actually realisation is beginning to dawn that i've always had a huge conflict between who i am and what i represent to the world.

In fact , if i'm honest, I've always been a worrier. Ive always been a huge perfectionist.
But i've never admited this to myself as these traits do not sit well with the fictional cool cat i'd like to be and every one assumes i am.

In fact i was a habitual recreational drug user from 15 to the onset of the pain at 21. Every day smoked or doped out to my eyeballs. I used to think i just enjoyed this state, that it was fun. Now i realise it was a way of self medication. Sedating my inner tension..... which was building and building until wham. the valve blew, the pain started and i went into a vicious tail spin


So the conflict between who i am and my ego has always been strong. And this is news to me

x

 

Wow, Bernard, i really appreciate your point. I, too, have always presented an image of cool, calm, collected and emotions always in control. People have no clue of the level of anxiety I feel.

Over the years I, too, have self-medicated my emotional pain. I never had a clue that is what I was doing. What's cool is today I don't feel the need to do it.

Congratulations on the insight. Sandy

 

We repress things that are unacceptable to us. People think I'm very positive, calm, etc. but I'm also really uptight, stressed, and mean to myself. Now that I'm more welcoming of my shadow side I actually feel like I'm connecting better with people. Not that I'm going around yelling at everyone, but just being able to admit anger, sadness, etc. seems to be appreciated.