Day 32 The never ending obsession- advice

Hey guys,

Okay so I'm at a point in my journey whereby I am soothing my brain, and have seen a huge difference in the past couple of weeks. I'm not as panicked about everything as i was- it honestly felt like someone in my head was screaming 'Fire, FIRE!!!' And scrambling all over the place. Now, there's like a little person there whispering, 'did anyone see that smoke?' so that's an improvement.

I'm struggling with obsessive thoughts though and tension- not pain, and I want to know what to do. I mean, I still have pain, but I think I can honestly say that it's much less in my leg/knee and sort of twinges here and there in my toe that still leave me in perpetual terror when they occur. The knee I don't care for. The toe I'm still scared about because those damn doctors got to my subconscious mind, and I healed myself through prayer- not by TMS, so I struggle with 5% doubt there. Way better than the 35% I lived with. Anyway...I digress. Back to obsession.

So my first thought in the morning are my symptoms. Am I okay? How am I feeling? Am I okay? And you know as I lay in bed listening to this barrage of fear thoughts, I obviously check in on my foot. Now, my foot is tight. Not in pain like it used to be, but it's a tight foot. That whole leg is tighter than the other leg. When I stretch the right foot, it is much, much, much tighter than the left one. So naturally, once used, it makes sense why it would be a bit sore.

How do I deal with this obsession? It's part caused by doubt, part obsession. I honestly don't know what it is. But it's all day, everyday, everyday, all damn day, even if I'm fine, I'm living in anticipation of not being fine and experiencing a little twinge.

When walking, I keep trying to think about my emotions, but this freaked out brain won't stop. Even if there's no pain! Or anything. With every step, it's 'are you okay? are we okay? How was that?' This is mostly for my toe which has recovered miles since that stupid doctor told me he had never seen someone with my toe recover. But the fear persists.

When there's a little twinge of pain, I can see that little man scream, 'You see!!! I told you there was smoke!! A fire is about to start! May day, MAY DAY!'

I don't know why writing that made me laugh. Anyway. I keep trying to do everything I can to calm this brain down, but it is relentless. I started walking recently, which was a huge step up- I have since been afraid of walking, but I started doing it and building up slowly, as Dr. Shubiner told me to and Dr. Sarno. Day 1, my toe was hurting and all swollen and just reference the little man for his reaction.

I kept going. I went on my 3rd walk today- no more symptoms, but the obsession won't.stop. I mean, it feels like i have a 2 year old in my brain constantly crying, and I've never been a parent but I can relate to wanting to be like 'SHUT UP!!!'

So my question is

1) How have you dealt with this obsession? How do I enable it to end? I try being mindful but at some point I'm just so bloody irritated at it. I hug myself. sooth myself. do affirmations in the morning. Just chill out!
2) Tension. Yes. My right foot like I said is more tense than my left and in general, my right leg more tense than my left. I can even feel it in how I walk- like there's something wrong with my left leg- I sense it sometimes in how I walk. WTF is wrong with me? Is this normal? Like, I'm fine, I'm okay, but I'm still walking like I'm not okay. So how does one get that trauma/ fear out of the body? And how do I deal with the tension? Is it the same way I deal with pain? Just ignore the soreness in my feet and go into emotional issues?
3) I want to get back into running. I want to be a 'safe runner' but I don't know how much of being 'safe' is reinforcing TMS. Being me, I would obviously find the 'best yoga for runners' and dscover a 20 minute pre run and post run yoga sequence. But I'm scared of doing those with this kind of mindset that I'm structurally vulnerable and I'm trying not to hurt myself. What do you guys have to say about that? I don't want to run without being safe but trying to be safe is me trying to do THE MOST to ensure I'm okay. I can hear a perfectionist stand point right now in that little man- that there is a 'right choice' but still- when you guys got back into activity, how did you do it? ESP running, which is a bamBAMBAM on my big toe.

Also- I just want to add that I'm so damn proud of myself. Nothing has changed, really, like drastically though I think my symptoms have reduced if I think hard about it. But I finished a 10 week workout program and I.did.it, despite all the earth trembling fear, I DID IT. YES. ME. I'm so proud. And i just started walking. And despite the obsessive thoughts and screaming little man I'm still moving forward. Ten claps for me.

Anyway, thoughts please?

 

Video chat with a friend while you walk/jog? You don't have to do it nonstop and you can change pace, check out the view, and hang out.

 

"when you guys got back into activity, how did you do it? ESP running, which is a bamBAMBAM on my big toe."

As regards activity, I can only say that for me, vigorous exercise is and has been my whole life the one thing that clears my brain, better than any drug, meditation, or anything else. If you are or have been a runner or you just like it, but nervous about dipping your toe into it, haha, maybe some other kind of exercise. I was a runner (1,000 miles/year for 20+ years), so I know what it is like to want to do it. But anything that gets the blood flowing, outside cycling, exercycle, rowing, swimming, etc. might also be worth considering if it fits into your lifestyle and can ease you back by clearing the cobwebs could help. And yes congrats on taking the steps you have!

 

Thanks

 

Not yet moved to this point. My only place to run around is non flat ground- grass and natural terrain are my only two options. Since according to researcg (because I'd do that, of course) that's tougher on the body, I'm kind of like- so what now what now

 

You can probably walk most of the time and do cardio/bodyweight exercises at home.

 

Yeah- went on a walk today- 25 minutes. Man, my legs BURNED. So I guess I'm definitely not at the point of running if walking for 25 minutes is hard, but I can somehow do HIIT lol. So I'll stick to walking and yoga on alternating days. Did you ever struggle with pain due to conditioning? And if so how did you deal? After my walk my big toe hurts and it's not as scary as it used to be for me, feeling it, but with the MRIs still floating around my head sometimes its hard to convince the self that it's TMS. Did you ever deal with this?

 

Maybe focus on getting enough moisturization and addressing the health anxiety side of it.

 

I absolutely understand the constant obsessive thoughts: what is this pain, twinge, what does it mean, do I need to see a doc, if I do, will I learn anything, why doesn't it just go away, I hate this, I need some relief, etc. etc. etc. Your description of a person inside yelling "FIRE! FIRE!" is very apt.

I have had some success treating the thoughts as OCD and watching YouTube videos here by Ali Greymond. They're not actually videos, just audio talks with her picture. They're short. She takes kind of a practical, toughlove approach. She has a bit of an accent, so I always turn on the captions. She's not a healthcare professional, and says that right up front. I won't tell you her approach-- suggest you check her out and see what you think. Hope you can find some relief.

 

Thank you!!

 

The only thing I have found so far is for every FIREFIRE yell because I felt a tiny thing in my back, i breath and focus on a positive feeling somewhere else in the body.
This morning it was ridiculous: i panicked about a stretch in my back and then breathed and enjoyed the sensation of stretching... IN THE SAME PLACE. Like I was panicking literally for a somehow pleasant stretch in my back!! Could I just appreciate it’s not numb?

well I think it’s post traumatic thing. Juste three days ago I fainted rommthevpain so no wonder i’m hypervigilamt about it. And I still doubt it is only TMS so it’s much harder.

wishing you to get more snd more activity without pain, obsession or not ++++

 

Thanks Zuz- the obsession got better. Doing the multimedia program and doing daily affirmations about healing helped me immensely. I'd say the daily affirmations have helped a lot. Hope you got some relief too. This too shall pass.