Day 29 this really sent me into a tailspin

By now you should have gained some insights into the true cause of your chronic symptoms. In these last two weeks try to learn how to overcome the thought patterns that create these conditions and develop ways to understand and handle the stresses that trigger TMS/PPD.

So, the perfectionist in me went ballistic when I read this. Clearly by the established standards I am failing. While I have gained some insight but I can't articulate the true cause of my chronic symptoms. How can I try to learn how to overcome the thought patterns that create these conditions when I have absolutely NOT A CLUE what they are?

 

There are two kinds of memory: explicit discursive memories that you can recall and replay, and implicit emotional memories, like the ones you had before your 6th birthday that you can "feel" but not recall specifically. The thought patterns behind your chronic symptoms are of the second variety: implicit emotional memories that are the building blocks of your personality. At the end of SEP you should be starting to get an intuitive understanding of these subjective patterns at the core of your thinking and feeling. Remember, this isn't a test in school. You may have to wait a few weeks to process what you've learned at a deeper level. In the meanwhile, I'd suggest doing some of the meditation exercises on the CD in the back jacket of Howard Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain workbook. Despite the title "TMS guru" I'm not a TMS expert by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, I've improved a great deal by doing the exercises in the SEP and Unlearn Your Pain, but everyone heals at a different rate, some instantly, some much more gradually. Hint: there aren't any "established standards" for TMS healing. You might want check out this article by Alan Gordon on the mental technique of what he terms, "Outcome Independence":

http://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/A_Word_About_Outcome_Independence,_by_Alan_Gordon,_LCSW

 

Perhaps I'm missing or misunderstanding something. I read, and re-read Alan's article several times over the past week actually. My progress wasn't a straight line by any stretch, but the valleys don't seem to be as deep lately and the peaks are gradually higher so I was happy (and those were acceptable outcomes to me at this point). Then I open up Day 29's instructions and I am told what I should have at this point. I know a phrase that includes the words you should can and often does set off triggers in my head as I've been told what I should and should not do, think, feel, be.....my entire life by people who are close to me. It automatically translates to me as a measuring stick (established standards). Anytime I am confronted with what I should be and it doesn't exactly match up to what I am, all my programming kicks in. Just reading that phrase yesterday actually caused the muscles in my neck and shoulder to tense and the pain to increase, simply because I felt I was being told I was not measuring up.

 

Congratulaions Leslie,
This is a big step forward. Gosh, you were actually aware the neck muscles were tensing and pain increasing. This is fabulous. Now just journal about what is happening in your head, you may have already. I am really impressed.

 

The difference that perspective can make never ceases to fascinate me. Here I was so busy focusing on the increased muscle tension and pain and looking at them as a giant step back, I gave my brain a green light to keep it up - it's working - I'm distracted. I was completely distracted from the anger that I was feeling from reading what I should be doing. I was completely distracted from the betrayal (not exactly the word I'm looking for here but a better one escapes me) I was feeling. I come to this website for encouragement and direction to help myself overcome this pain - and there it was slapping me in the face with what I should have gained. I never stopped to even consider that 3 weeks ago I had absolutely no connection between the pain and my thoughts. There was a connection staring me right in the face and I became so completely focused on the pain I missed the progress. Thank you, thank you, thank you Sandy. I am so grateful to you for opening up my eyes!

 

I think we need to clone Forest

 

Leslie, no need to "should" on yourself! This is a new way of thinking and it takes time to sink in. Try to be kind and gentle with yourself while sticking with the program! Even a small step counts.

Healing Hugs!

 

Thanks to you all!

Forest I have read though the updated Day 29 and it reads far more encouraging to me now. While I appreciate your apology for the negative reaction the previous text caused me, I actually find now that I am grateful that it did. It may have been just the slap in the head I needed to open my eyes to all the connections that were right there in front of my face. If I hadn't had that reaction, I wouldn't have started this thread with all the reality exposing, eye opening responses. Thanks again.