Day 12 Those emotions aren't repressed, are they?

I have to admit I'm having a hard time right now. My back pain is flaring up in new and novel ways, and my emotions are all over the place. This isn't surprising, tomorrow marks the second anniversary of the loss of a loved one. I am feeling all kinds of emotions, mostly sadness and grief, but also anger and guilt. I'm on the verge of tears, and the smallest things set them off. I keep telling myself to be nice to myself, to be kind, to give myself space to grieve, and then I somehow forget this, become aware of my back pain, try to see what feelings may be causing that pain, and, oh yes, of course. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is that day I'm dreading. I get sad all over again, I let the tears flow, I try to sit with my sadness, it subsides somewhat, and as it subsides, the back pain comes to the foreground, and why is my back hurting, wait, I need to check my emotions, and there we go again for another round of tears. One such cycle takes maybe a couple of minutes. The good thing is, pain is now consistently reminding me to check my emotions. The bad thing is, well, still in pain, still sad.

Now, sad as all of this may be, I have to wonder if I'm still suppressing something? I'm certainly feeling all kinds of emotions! Am I being bamboozled again, and is that why I'm stuck in this crazy loop of sadness, pain and tears? How many more rounds before I'm done?!