Day 8 Thoughts about my TMS

Day 8. Thoughts about my TMS


I’m now 8 days into the SEP and I feel like sharing my thought about my progress and other subjects of TMS. I just write what’s on my mind. I’m Danish so excuse my English. Feel free to comment anything.


I believe I have TMS. Many things indicate it. I have had chronic pain for 15 years. No doctor I have seen has ever seen symptoms like mine and they aren’t measurable in any way. I have full mobility. It is like the only problem is the pain itself. My pain is related to physical pressure (mainly from gravity). Even laying on a soft mattress will cause pain eventually if I don’t change position often. So, its physical pressure on certain parts of my body that causes pain exactly where the pressure is. Also, if I one time have overstrained a certain part of my body this part will in the future be more fragile than it used to be, meaning it will take less pressure to cause pain in the future. The fear of causing further damage has pacified and isolated me. My personality traits are stoic and anxiety and fear. I have colitis. I have very cold feet. My symptoms are not constant. One day I can walk with no pain in my heal and the next day I get irritation just by putting on my shoe. I have good and bad periods. If I do something that is annoying like looking for something I can’t find, the pain in my feet will be much more intense than if I’m doing something enjoyable like playing badminton. There are plenty of negative events in my past to explain TMS.

Still a little doubt about my TMS diagnosis sneaks in now and then. However, in my mind I have decided I have TMS and the way I think now is as a person with TMS. So, I hope that is good enough.


I feel I’m on the right way. I’m working with my feelings. There are many negative feelings from my past that I’m aware of but hidden feelings I can’t say I have uncovered yet.

I don’t fear hurting myself as much as I did earlier. I just do some things although they will result in pain, but there are still limits to what I will risk. Tomorrow I will go to badminton training for the first time in 22 years. Badminton was my big passion until I had a back injury. Out of fear of hurting my back further I stopped playing. I’m very nervous about how it will go but I’m going. Will the pain allow me to play? How good am I? (ridiculously enough I have high expectations about my own level) How will the other players receive me?


Still there has been no clear changes in my symptoms. These constant reminders from success stories about how fast others have recovered bothers me. If so many others are pain free after a few weeks that puts some pressure on me and I feel I’m doing something wrong since I don’t have the same results.


Being aware that I have TMS I should be more relaxed about my pain since it’s just something created in my subconscious. I just don’t see how that should make me safer since the pain is actually real. If my subconscious is able to create intense pain in my foot when I use it that seems to be as big a problem as if a problem in the foot caused the pain.


For many years I have learned from my experiences that if I do A that will mean B (pain). If I don’t use my special shoes my feet will hurt. If I sit, I sit on a special pillow because I have learned that it will result in pain if I don’t use it. Should I stop using it? Or try to somehow out phase it little by little? Should I just ignore the pain if it increases? I can’t imagine being able to ignore intense pain if I know how to avoid it.


I feel some empowerment taking more control over my situation. After starting SEP, I also decided to start eating healthier, getting more sleep and spend significantly less time gaming. It’s hard when you are both a sugar and a gaming addict. Although there is room for improvement I have done pretty well so far.


For many years I have spent most of my time gaming. I have been among the best players in the world in a certain computer game. This has been both stressful and demanding because I had high expectations of my results. There is no doubt I’m addicted. I’m wondering if this addiction can be related somehow to TMS. There are some similarities. I focus so much on these games that I don’t think of anything else and it keeps me from interacting with other people. This is the same with TMS pain. When I don’t play I get these impulses that urges me to play. Also, my TMS has enabled me to play so much since it has kept me from working. I have now cut down significantly on my gaming time and I don’t compete anymore.

 

Wow Anders! What a wonderful summary of your understanding. All this understanding, without having to do so much about it is fuel for your recovery, whether you're consciously aware of it or not. You are very clear about doubts, fears. I hope you continue with this program and know that there is no "timeline" to recovery. It is the daily education and contemplation which gets the work done in its own time.
Andy B