Day 10 Time to write my story

Hey guys,

i just tried to summarize my tms story and am a bit afraid to post it but i just will because shame is a huge reason for my tms i think. here it is!

Main reasons for TMS:

- my parents divorced when I was 6 because of my fathers mental illness (bipolar disorder /manic depressed)
- shortly after my fathers psych who often visited us decides it was a good plan to do stuff with a 7 year old girl a psych shouldn't do with a 7 year old girl. For twenty years, I kept all that for myself, to protect my parents and because of the shame.
- my father was mentally very very ill, which was very scary and upsetting, and also decided to do the same (only once) as his psych when I was about 11.
- my childhood was quite not calm, because of this crazy dad, and also because of the new boyfriends of my mother and i moved for a few years almost every half year.
- I do have the typical TMS personality and am always afraid to not be good enough
- my dad is better now but my sister is not quite easy for me to be around because she reminds me of my father and she is acting increasingly difficult
- my current situation is no job, almost no money left and a mixed up cv, because of tms. The job situation here in holland is difficult as well.


Manifestations of TMS:

- extreme headaches, insomnia and fatigue, especially at important events and stressfull times. That makes life quite complicated and far less enjoyable!
- panic attacks and social phobia (completely ruined my life from 16 to 21 years old) but are now almost completely gone, yeah! A few times a year it comes up and then I can reason it away.
- when that got better I started to suffer from chronic shoulder pain, related to physical work as a waitress, computering and handwriting
- extreme RSI that disabled me to start a carreer that would suit the very intelligent, well educated and ambitious person that I am
- so i tried other carreer paths but everything I tried would result in other pain symptoms. I am now without a job
- i almost can not have sexual intercourse with my boyfriend (with whom i have been in a great relationship for now 3,5 years) because it hurts but he hasn't complained about it once so he is the best ever. We have to be creative and we manage very well but it's not always easy for the both of us and surely does not represent the total confidence i have in him and in our relationship.
- compulsive stuff like a clean house and a perfect look
- i suffered from chronic low back pain for a year and that disabled me to do my favorite sport (field hockey -now very logic because i was always afraid not to be good enough) and after learning about TMS now 2 months ago I have picked that up again and it's going great, yeay!
- there is a long list of other symptoms i hope to be TMS because i would love to not have it anymore (for exemple hayfever, travel sickness and cold feet)

Thats mostly it!

I am so happy to have discovered TMS because it is already going better, also thanks to the educational program on this site! Lasts weeks have been rocky with emotional stuff i have to think and write about but i am getting more and more confident i will recover! isn't that great?

 

It was very brave of you to write all of this, Josina. One can easily read about another person's life and clearly see the links between their past and present stressors and their TMS symptoms. True healing starts when you can make these links for yourself. With every link, every realisation, we lose more doubt that our symptoms have a physical cause.

Yes it is. Big time!

Hugs,
yb

 

Josina you are so dear. I completely understand your shame and humiliation. My list of physical ailments is extremely long and embarrassing. At the top of my list has been depression. So very few people have I ever revealed this terrible weakness that I felt I had. I knew I was an intelligent person ... why can't I figure this out? Why am I depressed all the time? What is wrong with me? I took that baseball bat and beat myself on the head constantly for being so weak.

This program has helped me to understand what happened. Yes, it is emotionally painful but it will be worth it. I feel like I will be set free. I know I will have future challenges but I now have some tools to work with.

We are all deeply flawed human beings including our parents. I am sure forgiveness will work its way in here somewhere.

You and I will recover. Sandy

 

What a great post Josina, very open and honest. I too went through divorce at six and sexual abuse at seven, and am a 'perfect' perfectionist. It's not an unusual story with TMS, so you see you are not alone. I also have found the SEP to be really helpful at getting at all the emotional stuff. Hang in there, your honesty is the quickest path to healing.

 

thank you all so much for your posts, good to know there are people willing to support one another through this process. This forum is amazing. Good luck to you all!

 

Josina, I am thinking about you. I know you can do this.

 

I am so impressed with your willingness and strength and courage. I'm reminded by your post that the human spirit wants to survive... Wants to be happy.

 

thanks enrique! yes i truly feel time has come to let go of the past and start living in the now. It's difficult sometimes because especially using a computer still triggers pain reactions, and that is also the most deconstructive symptom right now (because i am afraid to apply for jobs).... hmmmm actually, this is suspicious.....