TMS For Vocal issues?

Hi, I just signed up for this forum seeing how nice everyone is, so I wanted to share my story.

I've been dealing with, sometimes I'd say pretty bad, vocal tension that has been with me from my childhood. I am a musician who wants to be a singer, but has put that dream of mine for so many years, simply because I didn't know what was happening to me.

After years of researching and refusing to accept pain for "normal", I learned that my brain has learned pain in a way to protect me from more pain. Here is how it all started:

In school, as a tween, I had more of a high pitch/feminine voice, which caused the other people to make fun of me and call me by names. I had to force my voice and lower my larynx in order to speak with a deeper voice. Eventually that started creating bad speaking habits, as well as creating tension in all the muscles that are involved in speaking and singing.

On top of that, at some point I was chubby and made fun of, so I learned to swallow my stomach to appear slimmer, not allowing for the full breath to happen, which now many year laters has even stopped me from breathing normally without engaging and closing my throat.

I had a vocal teacher who made me SCREAM as a teenager, as she hated my soft voice and wanted to make me a rock star. All that screaming was with the wrong technique and only fed more fear and pain into my already traumatised voice.

There have been many more vocal abuses, but I'll stop here.


I travelled all the way to the US to see an ENT doctor, who referred me to a speech therapist. The ENT saw vocal irritation and unnecessary engagement of other muscles that were forced to work extra hard to produce sound.

Working with the speech therapist was nice, but none of the exercises worked that much for me. I noticed that even for the MOST GENTLE exercises, which shouldn't even affect the throat, mine engages.

I work with a vocal coach now, who doesn't know how to bring my voice forward anymore, as it's still stuck in my throat and it's painful.

How I know my pain has been learned...?

Well the tension/tightness in my throat comes and goes, moves around AND sometimes even without vocalizing AT ALL, like right now as I'm typing this, it squeezes itself. Using a straw for singing is something many singers do, as it's super beneficial, but just wrapping my lips around the straw I can feel my throat squeezing.

Every time I sing and sometimes when I breath, I feel nerves throughout my whole body. Unfortunately my brain has learned fear and pain for the thing I love the most - singing stopping me from developing my full potential and vocal freedom. Sometimes even just thinking about singing or speaking activates the anxiety and tension in my throat.

Here I am, giving my problem yet another try to fix it and stop feeding negative thoughts into it. Just wanted to share, cuz NOBODY in real life understands me, cuz having chronic pain in the voice is something no one around me has, so if they're not familiar with it, then it's not real to them.

Let me hear your thoughts please, does that sound like TMS or you think it might be something else? Any advice or motivational words are more than welcome.

Thanks for reading

 

Have you tried Feldenkrais? It's a mind/body method. Here's a link to a book about using it for the voice https://www.amazon.co.uk/SINGING-YOUR-WHOLE-SELF-Feldenkrais/dp/0810840499#:~:text=SINGING WITH YOUR WHOLE SELF: The Feldenkrais,Voice : Nelson, Samuel H.: Amazon.co.uk: Books.

 

I totally get it, and at times have similar issues. I use my voice for my volunteer job, and when I am very stressed/anxious it goes wonky.
It’s a combination of anxious neck breathing habit and being physically tight. Attempting to “belly breathe” makes it worse..
I meditate laying down which is helpful for me and used Claire Weekes book Hope and Help For Your Nerves to learn about how to deal with self-destructive thoughts. I have lowered my anxiety. When it increases, I do have vocal changes again.
Rarely do I have to deal with any vocal issues now, so I’m convinced this is just part of TMS.
Lastly, if you enjoy singing, just do it! There will always be critics! You might not be the lead singer (my husband is in a rock band and is a great front man but not a great singer) all the time. Can you be ok singing harmonies? Would you enjoy playing guitar in one band but singing a totally different kind of music in another outfit which might not even be rock but better suited to your voice? Nothing has to be only one thing, it’s ok to diversify.