TMS info for significant others?

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering if anyone can share support materials for those who live with us TMSers. I've tried to help my husband understand the safe, nurturing environment I need that would help me heal but I think the things I'm sharing aren't concrete enough to help him understand. Does anyone know if a book, video, website, tips list, etc. that we can direct others to who don't have TMS but interact with us regularly? Thanks for any suggestions you can offer. Jo

 

Hi JBG1963,
While there are many videos, links, articles which describe TMS (often posted here), it seems you want something different? What kind of "safe, nurturing environment" are you imagining, and how are you not able to express this to your husband? Is it that you want less stress, less conflict, less pressure? Maybe if you describe what you imagine, someone can help.
Andy B

 

Hi @Andy B. Thanks for the quick reply. My husband and I have talked a lot about TMS and they roots in my childhood and the ways his interactions with me sometimes exacerbate my issues instead of help me feel safe. He seems to do best with a concrete list of "how to's" for anything. I guess I was hoping for a list of ways others can support TMS sufferers. He likes to use humor to communicate, and for me, this doesn't feel safe. I would appreciate direct responses such as "Sure I can help with that" or "Yes, you were right". He eventually comes round to those responses after I jump through emotional hoops to feel heard or understood. I've voiced these things. I am just looking for some outside source to validate the TMS info for him. Thanks, Jo

 

I shared an audio copy of "The Divided Mind" with my wife. She had absolutely zero problems accepting it as the truth. Go figure. Wish I could have.

 

Thanks, @Tms_joe I may give that a try. I think he understands and accepts the diagnosis, but can't see his part in perpetuating some of the issues or how he can help. I think he gets it and is just waiting for me to "fix" myself. Not really sure what to do with that.

 

At least he is "workable," and I feel your pain. I am not familiar with anything like what you describe.

I guess you are doing the work of standing your ground, asking for what you want, and learning more and more what your truth is, about TMS, and probably about your life in general. I might suggest that all this work, inner and outer probably points to ways that the Inner Child has feelings which are overwhelming, and just knowing that, you can find the roots of TMS symptoms, and allow them to relax. I am suggesting that regardless of your partner's reaction, that your feelings, your reactions to his communication point to the inner pain --whether that is hurt, or rage, or sense of abandonment. With this understanding you are equipped to undue the symptoms, because you have evidence of their true origin.

Good luck in this work/ Also, I wonder if you've looked into couple's counseling. It seems that it would be helpful for both of you to get support to communicate your needs and wants with an outside witness.

 

@Andy B Thank you so much for this response. It helps me to keep things in perspective. I fear I may have married someone who perpetuates the messages I got from childhood of not feeling safe. I've suggested couples counseling several times over the years, before I understood the TMS, to no avail. Your comments help me to see that some of my reactions are clearly overreactions. He definitely tries his best at all times. He is one of those people for whom life is blissfully simple and all my TMS stuff is sometimes just too much darn work and thinking. I'm sure others' spouses feel the same way. I will keep working on my own reactions and to find my truth.

 

I am glad my comments helped.

About this:

I think you're addressing how we project a lot of our inner dialogue onto the other. This is very easy. Working with the Inner Critic, and developing a deeper appreciation for our own experience, meaning Self-Compassion, can really help untangle what our experience is vs the partner's experience. One reason I am so passionate about teaching these particular skills is that in relationships, it is easy for me to get "lost" in what I believe the other person is doing "to" me.

It seems you are taking this to heart, and at the same time, I hope you don't blame yourself for this "projection." It goes very deep in all of us, and is a form of defense mechanism so that we don't have to own our behaviors and feelings.

And, we rightfully want to be seen and understood in our particular experiences moment-to-moment. To feel not attuned to is enraging or sad, or ____?

 

@JBG1963

One thing I have learned through TMS work is how much I seem to need my partner's approval/praise and reassurance in whatever I am doing.

I have many little 'wins' throughout the days and weeks now. And have noticed I immediately share them with him to get some kind of praise.

If he doesn't react how I want him to, I get annoyed and frustrated.

I've stopped doing this so often. From time to time I'll share a few details, but this is my journey, I'm healing myself and I'm only accountable to myself as long as I'm not hurting anyone.

It's actually prompted him to check in with me from time to time, because I'm not over sharing like I used to.

When I started working with a TMS therapist I told him this:

"You know I have a lot of headaches and feel ill all the time. Well I am seeing a therapist who thinks my problems are the result of repressed emotions. I know that might sound weird to you, but if you think about it emotions are just energy and mines got blocked and it's manifesting in headaches. Anyway, it's good news because there's a healing program I can do. It involves writing my feelings down, meditating and being a bit kinder to myself. So I might be a bit more emotional over the next few weeks and months, and I might need a bit more time to myself. More than anything though I need you to be patient and understanding, and I hope one day soon I won't feel ill all the time and I'll be much happier and nicer to be around For example, I won't be asking you to massage my neck anymore because that just reinforces that I have a physical problem whereas I'm trying to accept that my emotions are the cause. But I still love you and need you, and you can talk to me anytime about the process and Ill share what I can. It would be good if you could encourage me from time to time that what I'm doing is great and will be worth it in the long run, but ultimately it's my journey"

He seems fine with it now, because he knows enough to keep him happy!

Finally, TMS isn't about changing your situation! It's about accepting what you cant change (your husbands ways) and what you can (your emotional reaction), FEELING THOSE FEELINGS, LETTING THEM GO and then rationalising everything (hes not that bad really)

 

Or frustrating. @Andy B Thank you once again SO much for your insights. I do think my projection is much of the problem and that my partner also pushes my buttons. I think it's a mix of both. It's really important to me that you pointed out the projection so I can give myself, and him, a break from the intensity all of this seems to bring sometimes. I don't blame myself as much as I am frustrated by myself. Sometimes I'm jealous of my husband's ability to just walk through life and take things as they come and not take much too seriously. I suspect this is what life is like for many people. I'm trying to learn that attitude, but so many years of thinking critically is hard to bypass. I'm working on it. Thanks again, so much, for helping me look at my situation from another perspective instead of being stuck in my head.

 

Thanks for sharing your explanation to him about your situation. I think my husband has felt threatened by the changes in our relationship around my new found information and attitude. It helps to know how to voice it.

 

To colls,
Very nice way you put this!
Andy B

 

@JBG1963 have you considered/ tried working with a traditional couple's therapist to improve communication? When you are recovering from your physical symptoms, it's necessary to work with a professional who is trained in TMS. However, when you are working on applying what you learned about yourself to your relationships, a traditional therapist or counselor can also be helpful.

I have worked with a traditional therapist to improve my family relationships post-TMS recovery and it's done wonders for me. There are so many frameworks to help you feel heard and understood by each other that have nothing to do with TMS. Sometimes another perspective can help!

Best of luck

 

Hi Laura,

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I/we haven't pursued a therapist yet, but I can see the benefit. Jo