Day 3 TMS lists

The suggestion in today's reading is for me gonna be a no-brainer.
I have lived with a victim mentality for so long that making a list of past traumatic events and experinces in second nature for me. Through the years they have become my excuse for all my bad behavior. "Well, if this or that hadn't happen to me then I wouldn't have been such a jerk and on and on".
I'm frustrated and angry with myself for perpetuating this habit for so long. I think it's safe to say that I am quite fearful of never changing.
Sure, lots of bad stuff happened to me when I was a kid. But, I was angry and hurt many people and now I've successfully alienated my sons and my siblings. I'm angry and frustrated at what happened and at my reaction to what happened and seriously grieved at the outcome of pain that just generates more and more pain.
My body is trying to protect me from the emotional pain of childhood sexual abuse and the pain of my reaction to the abuse and the pain of the consequences of that reaction. And the result is always and only ever gonna be... more pain. That's all it ever could have been.
This is really starting to gel and make perfect sense for me.

Acceptance. Accepting the diagnosis, accepting that some things I just can't fix, accepting responsibly for what I can.
Acceptance is already making my pain symptoms go away.
Today has been a very good day.

 

Love what you have to say about acceptance; remember the grace of self-acceptance and love too.

 

Thanks Mr.Dragonfly.
I needed that reminder. I will work on progressing in self-acceptance. That is particularly difficult for me. My identity has been essentially shame based. Self love and self care are sometimes (not always) challenging for me.
I appreciate your input.

 

Tim, now that you have identified the childhood abuse, that's all you have to do. Your subconscious gets it. You have accepted it, so now put it behind you. Maybe make a list of things you are proud of. Now live in the present. I bet you're a real nice guy and have a lot to feel good about.

 

Thanks Walt, that's a good point. Putting it behind me is something I've been trying to do for a while. It's easier said than done.
Making a list of the good stuff should be quick and easy. Haha, just joking!
Anyway, I will put some thought into it.
Thanks again.