TMS symptoms around spouse

Hello everyone,

It's been a rough few years with my health. It seems that ever since I got married back in October 2021, my health has declined and have been suffering with TMS symptoms. It wasn't until my husband and I moved out of our moldy apartment that I started noticing how my body was reacting to my husband whenever I would see him. We both moved out of our apartment and had to separately live at our parents (My mom is allergic to dogs, so our dogs stayed with my in-laws and he had to stay there with them). In that time, I feel like my health got a little better and I felt less anxious probably because being around my mom makes me feel calm and safe.

Anyways, We lived separately for a year and a half. During this time, I noticed that my chest would tighten, I would sometimes feel dizzy, and my jaw would feel unsettled every time I was around him.

Fast forward to now, we finally moved back in together and my shortness of breath came back along with shoulders and neck just feeling so so tight. Living with my mom didn't alleviate these symptoms completely, but I did feel less tense. It's starting to freak me out and make me think, do I need to divorce my husband? I know we have a lot of communication issues that we need to work on and we are both about to start marriage counseling and both willing to put in the work to fix our issues.

The other night I thought of the word divorce and I felt the tension in my body go away, why is that? I don't want to leave him but my body is telling me otherwise.

 

I dont have any words of advice because I'm in the same place. Hopefully someone will have some good input.

 

Leaving your husband may not alleviate your symptoms, proof is that you still had some around your Mom.
Husbands are rage inducing. Ask me how I know (and mine is a good one!).

Have you read a book by Dr. Sarno and have you ever engaged in TMS work?

 

I agree wholeheartedly with @Cactusflower. I used to be a black and white thinker when it came to my relationships (kind like those Hollywood romance movies - sound familiar?). In fact, my TMS would grab onto relationships and specific people. I had to "feel" a certain way toward someone to know I loved them (perfectionism and fear of uncertainty/losing control). My primitive brain would try to argue with that if I got into an argument with someone, that must mean I do not love them or want to have a relationship with them. And yes - it would throw false sensations and feelings too - our fear brains are quite adept at clinging onto our fears. From what I see you are now engaging in monitoring how you feel around your husband. The good thing is you can get out of it and teach your brain this is a false alarm.

Please read a Dr. Sarno book like Cactusflower suggested.

 

It’s possible that your body is telling you being married to him (or at all) is stressful. Which it is! I’ve been married 26 years. Oh boy, there are hard seasons. And some people do honestly have to get divorced. I had to on my first marriage. But before you jump to conclusions—-maybe see if your body is telling you that you feel anger toward him. Anger can be alleviated. Communication can be improved. You might learn something in therapy. There could be so so many reasons you feel TMS around your husband. Try to find out. Maybe through journaling. Lots of TMS experts say you can even be in a hard situation and get rid of TMS. It’s not about a perfect life, it’s about getting an honest life. Learning about yourself. Why you feel what you feel. And—getting your life as anxiety free as possible. Some feelings are habits. You’ve got a puzzle to solve! But I wouldn’t assume your body is telling you to get divorced just yet.

 

I actually started reading it last night! I did TMS work a couple years ago when I was having INTENSE facial pain and migraines. I journaled for probably a month and then when the pain went away, I stopped doing any TMS work. I'm going to jump back into it.

You're right about me still having symptoms when we were living apart and I was at my Mom's. The chest tightness and shallow breathing went away, but other symptoms popped up living with her. So yeah, my symptoms just basically moved around. I do know I have resentment and anger towards him, and I guess I thought I have worked through all of it, but maybe not. But then when my symptoms improve when I think about the word divorce, that's when I freak out and start worrying that I have to leave him to feel better. Last night I couldn't sleep because I felt so tense and my breathing felt so shallow that I just kept repeating the word divorce in my head and was able to relax and fall asleep. Ugh.

 

YES. I think that way too. I've had relationship anxiety from the very beginning of us being together 10 years ago now that I think about it. All of my best friends back then (no longer friends with them because I couldn't handle the fake persona they would present to the world) were madly in love with their significant other, would always post mushy stuff on social media, had the "perfect" relationship etc., that I would compare my relationship to theirs and would question my relationship and questioned if we were actually in love if it didn't look like theirs. I guess I've always had an expectation on how a relationship should look - like those Hollywood romance movies. You are SO spot on. 10 years later and I still have an expectation on how our relationship should look. I find myself always telling him, Why aren't you more like this, or more like that?

Another thing that has been feeding my primitive brain are the stupid tik tok videos of "your body knows when you're in the wrong relationship." And it's all these videos of girls that have physical symptoms like a UTI, chest tightness, acne breakout etc around their significant other and how it went away as soon as they broke up.

 

I do feel anger and resentment. We used to brush our issues under the rug because he's never been good at talking about his feelings and he would shut down. So big issues were not always solved and I wasn't being heard or understood. His entire family does the same thing. They grew up never talking about feelings, and would get punished by his Mom for "being too sensitive". His mom actually had his best friend beat him up when he was 10 so he could be more tough and not so sensitive because he used to cry a lot as a child. It makes me feel so sad for him.

But he's been SO much better the last month, and we are now communicating a lot more about his feelings. He's used to not telling me things that bothered him and just "dealt with it" because that's how he learned to cope with his mom. To just deal with how she is and that it is what it is. So I'm sure he has resentment towards me too, and anger. I just want the feeling to go away so badly because it makes me so uncomfortable that my knee jerk reaction is to go back to sleeping at my mom's just to get some relief. I'm sure feeding into it reinforces those symptoms though..

 

@taliaaa92
Wow, you have a lot going on. Internal and outside influences—all sorts of stuff. I’m sorry you are in so much misery. I can relate. My body is off the chains with symptoms and I have often wondered if it’s my marriage. My husband and I have almost all the same things wrong with us, which makes it good to understand each other, but also hard sometimes. I’ve had instances where I’ve wondered if we belong together, but ultimately it’s come down to I just love him so much, I couldn’t live without him. I think if you have that kind of love—and it’s not perfect—Believe me—you can get through a lot. Nobody can really help you decide. It’s such a personal thing. One thing you can be sure of is your body is talking. It’s saying you’re in distress. I hope you can find the best solution for you and find some peace and healing. We’re here to support you any way we can!

 

Thank you! I don't want to leave him, but the symptoms do make me feel like I need to. Which is such a conflicting thing. I love my husband so much too, and I don't want to ever live without him.

Plus, my body and posture relaxing when I think of the word divorce over and over again is also something I'm trying to figure out.

 

You know, sometimes leaving seems easier in your minds eye then facing everything you have to face to get better and stay. It’s a lot of hard work and it’s painful. You don’t even know how much of your situation is caused by him or by you internally; it’s probably both. The thing is divorce is really not easy at all. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever been through so it’s not really an easy escape hatch. I think when you say divorce to yourself, it’s calming you down because you think it will be a quick way to feel better. But just tell yourself it’s not a quick way to feel better. The truth is there’s no quick way for you to feel better in your circumstances. Everywhere you turn there is going be a lot of work for you right now, but like I always say to myself, what choice do I have? Some people say the TMS healing journey is amazing and so far I can honestly say it has been an amazing journey, so just dig in!

 

I really love your insight so much. You've been so helpful and I think you're so spot on.. it's definitely a lot easier to leave than to stay and work on things. But is marriage ever easy? I feel like those who say that their marriage is easy has to be lying lol. I think I've conditioned my brain into truly believing that my health and how my body feels is caused by being around him. Which probably isn't true because I definitely think the situation is caused by how I am as well. I've always been a HUGE worrier, since I was little. I obsess and think about the things that are bothering me over and over. I have always feared the future and the unknown. When I look back, I've always had TMS - even as a little child.

 

I’m so glad my experience is helping you. That makes me happy. You are onto something here! I’m a huge worrier too, and have had TMS since childhood. It’s a heavy load. Focusing on healing yourself is probably the best thing you can do. It will not only help you, but also your marriage. And you said your husband is working on himself, too. This is all great!

There are 2 schools of thinking here on the forum, and in the TMS world. One is that TMS is caused by suppressing rage. The other is that TMS is caused by anxiety. And many people (like me) believe it’s both. I’m glad you’re reading Sarno. That’s essential. But you might also benefit from something like The Pain Recovery Program https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/ (Pain Recovery Program)
It teaches you a lot about TMS personality traits. It’s really insightful!

Since 2021, when my most recent symptoms flared, I started getting really scared of things I never used to be scared of. My nerves are shot. I’m actually super nervous/stressed out to be around family members that never used to upset me. This really good very short book on anxiety explains it all; how extreme anxiety can cause this. The book is called Hope and Help for Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes.

 

Trust me! They are lying.