Day 1 TmsTom is here to change

If you're a sceptic and self-analytic nazi like me then you can relate.

In short I doubt myself in most all possible ways. Am I good looking enough? Do I impress the people I talk to? Do they think I'm interesting? Am I cool in the eyes of them?

Even as I write this I'm yelling at myself that this isn't good enough." Write something new that these people haven't read or make them see how interesting you are". I hate this part of me.

I feel at war with my own self you know? This controlling inner bully knows all my weaknesses, all my thought patterns that will get me down. His a tyrant that always knows what things will hurt me.

I'm building up my inner hero though. The one that punches this asshole out of my personality. His only weak right now but I'm trying here. I really am.

I'm scared, I feel alone and I'm angry at how things have developed. I need a change. And this site is helping me change for the best.

I can logically see why I ended up here with my back pain ( oh yeah, I have back pain, forgot to mention that). I'm a people pleaser that functions on approval, I'm a worrier and an obsessor. I beat myself up constantly and view myself from a third person point of view, criticizing my every thought and responses.

I'm TmsToms raging sense of self hate. (Reference for those that don't watch movies)

But it all has to change for I have two options that I can see: lay down, cry, let the inner bully jump up and down on me, never work again and let my life collapse and live in pain forever!

OR

I can punch that bullies face in and let me be me for once. I can succeed, do the things I want to do with my time and show that tyrant in my mind that I don't need the pain or anxiety/depression anymore. Know that I'm aloud to experience my emotions and that hiding myself isn't necessary.

I choose the later !

Wish me luck

 

Love it, great self advice. I will talk much more soon.

 

One TMS therapist I read about says it's good to imagine punching your inner bully because it relieves tension
and helps to resolve anxieties from parents or others in our childhood. One fellow took his advice and visualized
beating up his mother. That would be hard for me to do, but it worked for him.

 

Would this mean you have two inner bullies at war with each other? I, too, have an inner bully that is really hard on me. I'm trying to take a different approach, and treating the inner bully like that unwanted, annoying house guest that just won't leave. I'm mostly ignoring it and going about my life, hoping it will leave since it's not being fed with my attention.

This part sounds spot on, and I wish you the best with it.

And welcome to the Forum, TmsTom!

 

More that my bully has his own personality and levels of emotion. I'm just fed up with him. I imagine my hero being me and very strong. Just being able to dominate the bully quickly. Your approach sounds good too and I hope it works for you!

Thank you for the welcome

 

I like your energy, tmstom! I too have a busy inner bully, pushing me around at every turn. Realizing just how pervasive and persistent this voice is and all the negative ways it affects my life (neck pain and feeling stuck in my life for the last 5 years) actually helps. I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me, I find that the awareness itself leads to some much needed mental loosening up.

I'm new in this journey too and so far I'm seeing lots of positive developments. The work is definitely worth it!
Best of luck to you, my friend!

 

Thanks for the kind words my friend. It's bullshit how our own minds can be so self destructive. I understand how the unconscious mind is irrational and doesn't see that by avoiding emotional hurt it is giving physical hurt which in turn hurts both mind and body. The unconscious mind is tool! It's there I believe my bully lives. He pokes his head out into my space and messes shit up. As I mentioned before I'm moving into his territory now and see how he likes it.

5 years is a long time for living like that so I hope you can get some strength from here. Head deep inside. Visualize this tyrant and push him back. We need to live how we won't.

Msg any time. Cheers

 

Yes, 5 years is a long time! Thanks for your empathy.
I've had a few "go-ahead-make-my-day" showdowns with the pain, as well. And you know what, just sitting there observing it, without engaging too much, was actually helpful. The pain lessened! And you're absolutely right that avoiding emotions is the culprit behind all of this. As a people-pleaser myself, I now realize that every time I push my own feelings aside to meet someone else's needs, I'm actually generating a lot of anger, which I then repress.

Boy, lots of inner work to be done, but so many people on this forum have succeeded...must be possible for us too, right?!

 

Hi, Blake. I've found that trying to please people is an impossible burden we put on ourselves.
Pleasing ourselves is a big enough challenge.
If only people could be pleased as easily as it is to please a dog.

I tried to please a neighbor by doing favors and he accused me of stealing from him,
when I'm actually giving him the stuff at my own expense. So I stopped doing him the favors.

 

Hi, Walt,
You're so right. I'll keep in mind your story about your neighbour. It illustrates the point very well! I have lots of family members trying to get me to visit them all the time and do things with and for them. But no matter what I do, it just never seems to be enough. If I visit for 3 days, I'm asked: "why only 3 days?" If I loan someone money, I'm bad for asking for it back. Is this really what family is about? (Getting angry right now just writing these lines).

On the positive side, I'm slowly starting to get what self-compassion is all about. If I don't take care of myself, I get all out of sorts and this gives me pain. On the other hand, when I'm clear about what I want and express to others in the best way possible, I might feel a little guilty at first, but then I can return to a state of calm. I figured out that I can only maintain that sense of calm if I am nice to myself. I know this might sound really obvious to many people, but for me it's now just starting to sink in.

Thank God for every small step in the right direction and thank you, Walt, for your post!

 

It's tough to go in and fight back huh? Once I've started and have seen the improvements like you mentioned I'm becoming more confident at controlling what I think. Those negative thoughts can be so subtle and quick that they almost go unnoticed. Though I'm stopping them as I do, acknowledging them and processing them.

Success is possible for us Blake, I guarantee it. I'm not taking no for an answer this time and neither are you. Sending you a cyber high five !