Day 10 Treatment Update

Hello,

I am on Day 10. I skipped a few days this week- We had guests at our house, and then I camped over night. I feel like I am improving, but there are still doubts. My pain has mostly moved from my back and neck to my shoulder since starting this program. The pain isn't as persistent as before, so I am grateful for that. I can still catch myself doubting if this will work, or hedging my bets against it. At the same time, I do feel like I am becoming more confident in the diagnosis (self) and treatment. The fact that my years of back and neck pain has switched to my shoulder seems like an obvious sign. The first few days, I felt like I could almost control the pain, turn it off, or down by thinking about my emotions. I am still working on a mantra, or something I can rely on when I start feeling pain. Sometimes it feels like I am overwhelmed/defeated when it returns, and I allow it to steamroll me. I want something that is almost automatic- "okay, your back/neck/shoulder is hurting- it is not structural! You are hiding from an emotion. What are you hiding from? What are you feeling right now? Etc."
When I was reading Dr. Sarno's book, before this program, I started asking myself, what is the worst that c an happen about some of the issues I am facing. Listing them and thinking about it, and realizing that none of them were that bad was helpful.
I avoided going for a second run the last two mornings, because I am afraid that my knee will hurt again. I know that I am still having doubts about it being TMS. When my wife comes back tomorrow, I will try to get out for another 1 mile run to face my fear. I want to do a longer bike ride soon as well, and face my shoulder pain.
I am enjoying the journaling and introspection. I think it is helpful, and making me a better person. I hope this will continue to improve, and I think it will have even bigger effects than just eliminating chronic pain.
Thanks.

 

The second post for today- someone that I hide my emotions from- My wife.

Just the other day, she said something that upset and hurt me. I avoided her the rest of the day/night, using chores, and this program as excuses to not speak to her until she was asleep. Even the next morning, I didn't say anything until she forced me to talk to her about it. It felt childish, and exactly what I am supposed to be working on! The irony of using TMS treatment to avoid talking about my feelings to my wife is not lost on me! I am a stubborn person, and I catch myself doubling down on things because I don't want to confront them, or admit that I am being foolish. I am grateful that my wife is smart and loving.
My wife is not the only person I hide my feelings from, but she is the person I am around the most, and care about the most. I have tried to hide my anger and sadness from everyone, including myself. I'm not sure why that is the case. My family didn't show a lot of emotions growing up. It wasn't abusive by any means, but I think it was emotionally "cold." We never said "I love you" to each other until I was in college! I got into trouble in high school, and my response was to shut down- basically not talk to my parents for months. I'm not sure why I did that. I think it was punishing them for punishing me. I guess that felt like the only thing I had control over, my emotions and relationship with them, so I "turned them off" as a form of protest.

I am going to keep doing this work, so I can be happier and healthier.
Thanks.

 

The fact that you're improving, your symptoms are moving around, is an amazing sign. This is TMS. Over time by doing this work, your mind will no longer doubt it. When I first heard about TMS, I thought it was a total sham. However, I was in agony with my symptoms, was desperate, and just did the work. I truly thought I was gaslighting myself, lol. You're on your way and already healing!