Day 32 Unlearning Fear of Intimacy

Today I realized that my brain is conditioned to fear intimacy and think physical affection is sort of weird and uncomfortable. I think this fear stems from never really seeing my parents show any physical signs of affection between each other (even though I know they love each other). I don't think I've ever seen them kiss, hug, say "I love you," etc. Everyone in my family very much has a relationship where it is implied and unspoken that everything we do for each other is with love, but nobody every really "says" it out loud. Everyone just kind of like messes with each other and kids around, which is what I always revert to when talking about intimacy.

I think this is always why I would roll my eyes when I see people get all "lovey dovey" or tense up a bit when people start talking about their sex lives or physical intimacy. My brain has almost been trained to see that intimacy or expressing emotions to others out loud is "weird" and "over the top." I feel as if this is why I avoid dating or getting too physically/emotionally close to anyone. Although I have actively been on match.com and others apps more recently.

Also today one of my co-workers told me he was leaving the company to deal with family issues in New York and moving there. I was very sad about this and actually was able to express that to him vs. fake "keeping it together."

My uncle has been doing a lot of my yard work for me around my house and I am so grateful for that. It's been helping relieve the pressure of "rebuilding my yard." He also said he will show me how to start maintaining it and working on it for myself.

Lately I have made a lot of progress just sitting with feelings of anxiety because I know it's not real anxiety, because my mind is calm and I am not panicked or nervous about anything, it's just my find being "conditioned" to feel this way after the past few months. I know it's just repressed emotions. My heart will feel like its racing or my stomach churning, but I just face, accept and float into it and eventually it goes away. Some days its longer than others but my evidence sheet always tells me it goes away. A month or two ago I would be pacing around work, start sweating a bit, be frequently peeing, etc. The same for in the morning where I get the stomach churning feeling at 615-630am. Rather than panicking and pacing around my house. I just sit with it. Today I had a dentist appointment at 9am and woke up at actually just went back to bed again for an hour, got up, had some breakfast, made some coffee and relaxed until it was time for my appointment. A month ago I probably would have been frantic and antsy on what to do with my time.

I'm still working on my chronic sinusitis/headache/post nasal drip. I do believe I have TMS about 80% of the time, but then there is that 20% that is like what if my doctor finds something at my follow-up appointment? What if the antibiotic couldn't reach the sphenoid sinus? Will it ever go away? These are the things I am working on just accepting and moving past.