Day 29 Unsent Letter

Hey B,

Looks like I'm writing to you again. I wonder how many times I will end up writing to you? There is something in me which is obviously stuck.

We are both in new chapters. But I wonder if you think of me too? Sometimes, very occasionally, I will look at your social media (not that I can see anything) or even your whatsapp to see if you have a new profile picture. I don't know why. Because you're not with H any more. You have got a new girlfriend now. And although that hurts WAY less, it still feels weird. 6 years later, it still feels weird. I guess I find it sad that we had so much and were so close and experienced so much, but now we have nothing. And I know that is my fault. I shut off any chance of any future relationship back when I was still angry, and now I believe it is too late to take that back. And ultimately it makes me sad that we have no part in each others lives, when once we were everything.

My symptoms started around the time I became official with my current partner, about 3 years ago. For a while I thought it might have been him. But I couldn't see why because we have a lovely relationship. He is kind, and fun, and loyal, and trustworthy. Perhaps it was me adjusting to a new sexuality. I know you would hate the fact that I ended up with a man, and I kind of hate that too. I had to jump back into the closet when I was finally accepting of being out of it, dressed up all in rainbow flags and covered in glitter.

But then I realised... that maybe it wasn't being with him at all. Maybe it was you. And the scars you left me with. Scars which are nothing but faded white lines, but very much still there. Because you loved me so much and so intensely that I was suffocated. And then you betrayed me so completely, and withdrew so quickly, I was utterly lost. Free, but lost. So angry that you could do that to me. That someone who cares about you can hurt you like that. It all happened so quickly, that I get scared that my current partner will one day wake up and be like 'poof', I don't love you anymore. Which is unfair because he is nothing like you. I actually trust him. I never trusted you. And you didn't trust me, and honestly you had reason for that.

As much as I hated you, I knew that some part of me deserved it. Or at least, that's the guilt I carried around with me for some of the things I had done. But now... I don't know. It was a very long time ago. Now I think... we were both young, and making mistakes, and not communicating properly because we didn't want to hurt each other.

The last time we spoke, I know you so desperately wanted me to forgive you, and I didn't give you that. It made me feel better, to withhold that from you. And I wouldn't have meant it. But it did make me feel better, just like the news that you and H got divorced. I'm not going to lie B, that was a great day! Felt like Karma. But those reactions were spite and anger talking. Because B, I do forgive you. And you are not the only one to blame. There's so much I need your forgiveness for too. As you said in your last note, some of the times we spent together were some of the best. It's time for both of us to look back on those free of sadness or guilt.

Always,

R

 

Hi Miss Terry,

Thanks for sharing this with the Forum. It is honest, heart-felt, real. I wonder how you're impacted writing it?

Andy

 

Hi Andy,

Emotionally, I feel OK. I have ruminated over this topic for years - I think I've thought through all sides of it but I guess some parts still stick.

Funnily (or maybe not) enough, my symptoms have been bad today. I've had a week where I've been coping well and feeling less nausea/fatigue, and then today it's been pretty intense. So maybe that's something?

 

Your response with symptoms leads me to suggest you might want to say more, write another letter. Is there more to be expressed?

 

Hmmm I'm not sure, perhaps? There's only so much journalling I can do in one session without my mind wandering but you're right, maybe another day/another letter will bring extra stuff up.