Update - Observations & Feeling Trapped

Hello, TMS Wiki Forum Members (whew),

It's been nearly two years since I posted (I've been a member for eight and healed from decades of chronic pain), and boy-oh-boy, has TMS reared its ugly (well, protective) head!

Warning: Long

Here's the story: Nine months ago, my 82-year-old father left my mother of 52 years. This wasn't surprising, as he did so two years before. (she's a narcissist & abuser) He couldn't handle it anymore, and I had told him if it got bad again, he could live with me and my husband. They were in Tennessee at the time, me in Utah.

My father asked if the offer was still available, and I told him of course. However, my mother freaked and thought she would die if she were left there alone. (they were living in my brother and SIL's AirBnB) So, she came up, but no one could or would take her, so we put her in a retirement center about 20 minutes away, knowing she would need more care than what she kept telling us she needed. (wanted to stay in an apartment) The retirement center we all chose (her included) had all kinds of amenities. They offered all meals, housekeeping, van service to appointments, stores, etc., and remodeled the whole place.

Before my mother came, a month later, my father, siblings, spouses, and my father decorated, set up all her furniture, and got her ready to move in. This was in February of this year. We thought she would be taken care of, but it got to the point where my father had to borrow our car nearly every day to do something for her. She was also sick, in pain, couldn't walk, etc., and my dad would have to come and take the dog out and get her food because she wouldn't go to the dining room without the dog. (not allowed)

So, my mother lost a ton of weight (nearly 80 lbs in less than a year). She just didn't want to eat. So, we were concerned and took her to the doctor to see what was happening. She does have pulmonary fibrosis, congestive heart failure, peripheral arterial disease, fibro (TMS), IC (interstitial cystitis, aka, TMS), and other elusive diseases. The doctor thought she was just being stubborn, and my father, the caregiver he always is, said he would watch the dog while she got food. This went on for weeks, but every evening, my father would come home drained and even sick. She made him take her to numerous appointments because she refused to use the van service.

I told her several times about TMS, but she didn't want to do the work. Anyway, she has used my father for everything she needs, and my father comes home exhausted from being there all day. I had to put my foot down and tell her he could only use the car once a week. She wasn't happy but accepted it. However, a week later, she got dentures, having to get five teeth out. My father stayed for nearly a week. Then, a month later, she tried getting off her opioid cold turkey and ended up in the ER. She accused my father of attempting to poison her and the doctor trying to kill her.

She was in the hospital the whole day, and once the doctor determined it was just withdrawal, they sent her home. Not more than a week later, I took her to the vascular center to check the arteries in her legs to see why they hurt badly. Well, in the middle of doing the sonogram, the PA laid her down to check her stomach arteries, and as soon as he pulled her back up, she passed out. She then started slurring her words. He did it again and once again passed out, so they rushed her to the ER, thankfully right down the hall, thinking she was having a stroke. (it was a mini one)

She was in the hospital for six days with high blood pressure, dizziness, and not being able to function. Then, they moved her to rehab for her dizziness, congestive heart failure, speech therapy, and what is probably POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome). Anyway, my father and I visited her numerous times during this whole time. I bought her new clothes, purchased flower bouquets, cared for her dog at our home for three weeks, and on and on.

Aaaaaaaannnnnddddd ..... my TMS has come back big-time! I also lost my job a few months ago and am trying to find a new one on top of caring for my mother and father. My sister had back surgery, and her husband had cancer treatment. My brother is raising his grandson and works six days a week, so they couldn't/can't help.

I never expected to be taking care of both parents, and I am angry at both of them because they couldn't make it work, and we kids have been put in the middle. My mother commands attention and cannot let my father enjoy his life, so I'm trying to protect him, and sometimes, it doesn't work.

I'm trying to figure out how to deal with her narcissism and his stubbornness because she keeps reeling him in, and he feels obligated to her. He also had a heart attack several years ago and has five stents in his heart. Well, she came home a week ago, and suddenly, after being in rehab and doing great, she's back to the same thing. I thought maybe it was her bed because when she lay flat, the blood pooled in her legs. She also has reflux that makes her gag constantly.

So, we siblings pitched in for a new adjustable bed that arrives tomorrow.

However, I feel this will not end until she leaves this earth, and in the meantime, she is draining both me and my father. I need a break, but I also need to figure out how to deal with my new normal with TMS and not let it consume me. I understand my mother needs to process this separation and accept her new reality without my father. (she keeps begging him to come back)

In the meantime, I am stuck in the middle - AGAIN - and I am enraged, to put it mildly, but you can't reason with a narcissist, so I feel caught between a rock and a hard place, and the tension is palpable.

I feel trapped and like I have no choice but to care for her.

Ideas, thoughts, or just support would be appreciated!

 

It sounds like you are over involved in the relationship dynamics between your parents. It's not your fault -- I have a narcissist mother myself. But you'll have to get yourself out of it.
Your TMS symptoms really are your friend... they're grounding you in your own life and needs.
The combination of issues you are dealing with (unemployment, parents divorce, parents health problems) sounds really, really stressful.

 

Hits the nail on the head!

I have a narcissistic Mom in a care facility. We pay people to take care of her so we can get some separation. Previous to that she went to see my Dad in hospital almost every day for 10 years on public transit in another town. She has expected similar care from her children. I don’t live in the same country.
Much of my TMS has been because of the training I had to people please and manage my parents relationship, my mothers inability to manage her own emotions. I learned to cut off my own emotions because all of this was far too much for a young child and I developed unrecognized anxiety.
You’ve recognized the dynamics between yourself and your parents and are probably deeply rageful about having to deal with the fallout of their dysfunction. You’ve put yourself in the middle, but at the same time are beginning to set boundaries -like with use of the car. Keep going! Set emotional boundaries! If your Dad wants to continue feeling like he must do his duty, so be it. What he does is no measure to how “good” or (whatever internal standard you are holding yourself to) you are. My family is at Mom’s side in the hospital at reasonable amounts of time for us (not to her demands), when she returns home it’s once a week visits and a few calls a week. When the relentless complaining begins the phone call is gently but quickly ended.
This has been painful for my Mom. She’s had arguments with staff and other residents she tries to manipulate. They meet her needs and have been wonderful in helping her learn to assert herself in a more appropriate way. This has been emotionally painful for her, but it’s her journey, not mine. She has serious health concerns and TMS - I can’t do anything about those things and leave it up to the professionals hired to help her.
You need to deal with your own deep emotions and not worry about the emotions of your parents. Sure, help with their care and physical needs but let them have their emotions - you get your sanity!

 

Thank you for your response. I am over-involved but I have no choice right now. My hope is that this new bed would help her pain and reflux and she could enjoy her life - however - I know my mom and know this isn't the end. I am trying to decide what is best. We just found out she hasn't been washing her clothes, which they provide washing machines for, because she says she can barely walk and yada yada. This is now a hygiene issue, and believe me, that and the fact she wears Depends, doesn't take out the garbage, and has a dog that needs to go out, but sometimes can't so my mother has dog pads all over the freaking apartment is a big problem!

My parents aren't divorced; they are just separated, so you can see the conundrum. I think she needs an assisted living center, but they could barely afford this place.

 

Thank you for your insights. Your story sounds an awful lot like mine. I was the youngest daughter (I have a twin brother) that she used for co-dependency. I was bullied as a child and she used that to keep me home so she had someone to watch soap operas with. (yeah) She has threatened divorce several times and I was always the one that would run interference. I was doing so well with TMS for years and then this happened.

Yes, I am very angry, more so with my mother, but yes, with my father as well. He has taken her crap for decades and she has broken him. As it was, he had to work 16-18 hours a day just to take care of us and her spending habits. We never saw him, so to have him living with me and my husband was a blessing and it allows me to bond with him before he dies. But, my mother is jealous of our relationship - always has been - and he is torn between her and me. It's so childish!

She wanted him to come over on Saturday, but I put my foot down. We were going to see my kids and grandkids and visit some of the homes we had lived in over the years. He was going to go, but I said NO! She texted him and said that I forbade him from coming. No, I said we had plans, and he wouldn't be able to come, but we would be there today to take down her old bed and assemble the new one.

Anyway, I know this is my mother's emotional manipulation that she does so well, so I, at least, recognize it, but I hadn't for years.

I also recognize that she drains me every time I talk to her or visit, and I have had to mentally put a white light around my body so she couldn't affect me - it has worked.

I am also trying to feel my feelings, but I have to admit that I'm a little numb with everything going on and not sure how to really sit and be with them.