Day 8 Update

now day 8 - I took 2 days off as I needed a break
I had a great Weekend - went out and socialized and did things I have not done in over 2 years
I feel really good
I have 2 issue/queries
When in public lately my whole body trembles - why is that? I am not a nervous person and I was always outgoing
Also my legs are preventing me from walking in a very painful way- only sometimes - I think it might flare up when I’m stressed? Thoughts
Also I’m getting pissed off that I’ve had TMS so long that I am changing and I don’t like who I am becoming - I like the outgoing confident Celia better - how do I get myself back

 

Hi @cet
It is great you recognized you needed a break!!
Anxiety and “nervousness” are the same thing. TMS IS anxiety. You may just not recognize they are the same, and like many people, have not realized you are anxious - because that is how you have always been. The key is to accept it. I am very outgoing most of the time on the exterior but I pushed away feelings of fear that people think I am weird, I look weird, am intimidating..that people don’t like me.
It would be good to journal about this.
The current higher anxiety: shaking, personality change is most likely temporary. I think your mind is sorting out the true you.
You like the woman you created. This is the person who has developed to be the “mask” the Celia you show others. Your mind is probably sorting out what part of that is used to hide things you don’t want showing from your true nature. This does not mean you need to change. It just means you need to recognize who you truly are in your heart. This is much of the tms work. Who you truly are helps you feel and process emotions. The “mask” helps you hide them from yourself and others. It may make you feel sort of broken in two for awhile .. “who am I”? a psychologist told me that this is actually you not falling apart but falling together. It is self-discovery and part of the healing.
It is a sign you are doing very good work!

 

Wow! That is the most powerful thing anyone has ever said to me - it put tears in my eyes
I need to process this and I’ll respond later today

 

I have my meeting with my therapist tomorrow so I’ll address above tomorrow……( I need to wrap my head around it)
Meantime I wrote my journaling letter today to my former boss and only got 1/2 way through after 25 mins , so I will continue and finish the letter with my pure anger & rage tomorrow

 

Well it turns out I have severe PTSD and I am almost unable to function
Seems I had it all along
I am now trying to find a good EMDR therapist
Keep you posted