Ups and Downs

I don't know about you guys, but I'm feeling like I have some major ups and downs with this recovery! This is the most I have felt emotionally in a long time too. I am continuing on my SEP and still on Day 29-taking it slow so I don't overwhelm my system. But here is where I am at and would love some insight:

I pretty much managed my pain last year with medication when I thought I was stuck with my pain forever. When I started learning about TMS and wondering if it was what I have, the pain increased. When I decided to take the first steps and journal the pain increased yet again. I increased my medicine and had about a month where the pain was manageable.

Well, this past week and half the pain increased where I am stopped in my tracks! I refuse to increase any more meds as I see the pattern that TMS is either overriding my medicine or it has been a placebo for me and the placebo is not working as I continue to work on the program. I have now had two instances where after I journal the pain goes away temporarily and I see a glimpse of what my future will be like. It is amazing! Of course when the pain comes back I get annoyed.

Any tricks or tips to get past this hurdle of yet another set of increased pain? I'm obviously getting super close to the source of my pain with journaling. Should I be digging deeper into those two times I journaled and had relief? I don't want to rehash things over and over, but I also want to find the root cause of my emotions. Should I also try to meditate/visualize more? I do it about 1 a day right now. Thanks in advance for any advice you share!

 

It’s the “annoyed”
You are turning anger towards yourself. What do you perceive when your pain returns? Failure? Doom?
The fact that you experience even seconds of relief is a sign you are on the right track.
I will say that anticipation, excitement about journaling success and finding “the source” of TMS might be driving symptoms in a few ways. You are confronting the emotional drivers of TMS but also still searching for the thing that will “fix” it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen that way. I’d suggest journaling for the day, the moment you are in.
All this digging revv’s up the nervous system because your minds protective side is really working hard: giving you more symptoms, Hang on! It’s all smoke and mirrors.
Show yourself kindness by doing your favorite things. Eg. I love to burn some incense and read a good book, watch a movie with a cup of tea and my cat, go for a walk in the sunshine.. etc - Calm that nervous system and show it you are safe!
Be confident you have found your path!

 

This. Sometimes seeking the "holy grail" is counterintuitive and doesn't happen.

@Joulegirl: Your post reminded me of one of my favorite threads by Steve O: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/seeking-the-grail.529/#post-4098 (Steven Ozanich - Seeking the Grail)

 

@Cactusflower and @HealingMe Thank you so much for seeing what I could not see. Yes, I'm annoyed. When the pain returns I just think "not again!" And I know I need to focus on acceptance instead. I will focus on nervous system regulation and finding the joy in my days instead. I do realize that the pain is lower on weekends. Why? Well, I'm doing what I want to do. Not having to get up and go to work and get the kids to school. Weekends tend to be low key for us too-not so chaotic.

I love the post from Steve O. I have focused on my "holy grail" this past week 1/2 for sure. And it gave me more pain. I think since I felt so good after those two journaling sessions that I just figured it had to be it. Instead of realizing there is probably a lot of things contributing to the big picture. I love thinking about the "why" instead of the "what.". This has given me a good direction to go in!

 

Excellent @Joulegirl girl! I'm glad this has given you a good direction to go in! You've got this.

 

"Not having to get up and go to work and get the kids to school."

Annoyed with ourselves is often turning our anger inward, consciously so that we don't have to deal with our unconscious anger...

 

@Cactusflower Oh goodness! So basically feeling annoyance means there is unconscious anger lurking around. The crazy thing is people perceive me as the most laid back person. I'm not-but that's how I come across with my people pleasing!

 

Not always.
Have you read a book by Dr. Sarno Joulegirl? He suggests our main issue is unconcious RAGE - and other hard emotions. It's what we explore in journaling, but it takes time to begin to uncover and accept that fact that we have this...because "other people perceive me as the most laid back person" and you have become this persona.
We explore ourselves and recognize that the way others perceive us, or have needed us does not ultimately define us. Personality traits we develop are just one of the reflections of these perceptions that we've used as coping mechanisms.
An example: I grew up with a very anxious Mum. She was very controlling down to each minute point. Now, this sounds terrible and it was hard to live with and live up to the expectations that could NEVER ever be met. However it was all veiled in love. "I love you so much I will teach you to do the dishes with perfection at the age of 4 so that you will be loved and accepted for your ability to do the dishes well" was honestly "do the dishes so I don't have to, but do them better than everyone else so I look like the perfect Mum and everyone will think I have the best, well trained kids and I will then look PERFECT". So of course I spent a lot of time crying in my room in confusion and anger and then being told not to cry showing any emotion. Of course I learned to people please and stuff my anger. I became a teacher and had no understanding that I was often subconsciously angry at the kids I could not control because it was socially unacceptable for a teach to control the kids (and I knew what it felt like so I didn't want to subject kids to that feeling) - I turned my anger inward and assumed that it meant I wasn't a good teacher --- which was amplified by another teacher who DID control her kids and not let them learn life lessons by experience - -and she yelled at me a few times because she could not control ME and how I worked. I won awards for my teaching style and STILL I felt I wasn't good all because this one person was judging me..because I made her second guess her own methods. This happened at several of my jobs so of course the feelings of lack of self worth only went deeper even though I still had people at each job also praise my methods. I was simply never taught to try and appease the hardest critic in the room. Which eventually became myself.
Then I got TMS.
This is why we journal.
When I heard Nichol Sach's story about when she first began to journal, it all came together for me. AHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

 

@Joulegirl
I think you are on the right track! And these moments of relief are signs of things to come. I’ve had a few glimpses like this and I thought “oh surely I’m here. Surely, it’s over!”—-but, nope. Not yet. At least we do get these signs —because they show us that our bodies can stop doing this— if and when they want to. It’s sort of like a really long custody battle— and we want to win this battle and get custody of our bodies back. And I guess just keeping the pressure on (but not too much pressure) is the way to go.

“The crazy thing is people perceive me as the most laid back person. I'm not-but that's how I come across with my peoplepleasing!”
Think how enraging this must be to your little five-year-old on the inside!

 

@Cactusflower It seems that we have similar upbringings! That could easily be my story. I have read "healing back pain" and I just got "the mind body syndrome" from the library. I tried "the divided mind" and it was too science-y for me to relate to.

@Diana-M and @JanAtheCPA Thank you for your encouragement and insight. Journaling is so simple but it has been amazing to see what has come out of my mind. I'll keep plugging away at it but maybe with less intensity that it's going to heal me and with more compassion to see what is lurking...