Day 10 very difficult to open up emotionally to others

Think of someone in your life to whom you hide your emotions. Why can’t you open up to that person?

First, my grandmother. I’ve already written about my complicated feelings toward her on Day 5. Being the “good granddaughter” is really hard. Inside me, there’s constant confusion. Am I hoping that my sick grandmother will pass away soon and find peace, or am I hoping that with her gone, my own pain will ease quickly? Either way, it feels like a bad thought. Just thinking about it makes me feel as if I’m committing a sin.

Second, my father. When I was young, my dad was very rational. Whenever I was scolded for doing something wrong, I couldn’t cry or show emotion—I had to explain my regret in logical sentences. I remember always being disappointed in myself for not being able to hold back my tears. Even when there was some conflict between us—not just my fault—like when I said I struggled with his very strict curfew, if I showed any emotion (my voice trembling or tears welling up), he would dismiss me as stupid and say I was “too emotional” for my words to be taken seriously. So, I always went back to bed feeling defeated by him, regretting that I didn’t say what I wanted to say, and blaming myself for not hiding my emotions better. Because of that, I still find it very difficult to open up emotionally to others, especially to my dad.

Oh, writing this makes my dad sound pretty harsh. He did make my life hard until I was a high schooler, but now our relationship has improved quite a bit. He recently accepted in a conversation that he wasn’t quite himself back then because he was going through a really tough time with unemployment. He’s in charge of cooking dinner now, and our family enjoys the meals he makes every day. During these warm and friendly times, I sometimes feel confused—wondering if the pain and emotional repression I experienced in the past were lies or if those times truly existed. But… all those things really did happen, and now I am reflecting on them.

 

@Wolfgang
This is a brave post! You are getting to the heart of it. It’s not a sin to wish someone would pass who is suffering. It’s a real feeling and a common feeling. You are letting it have a voice. And you aren’t a bad person.

Your dad—he trained you to repress your emotions. This was actually abusive. It’s good you can see that. And it’s true, unfortunately. It happened and it hurt you. And now you have TMS because of it. But you want to love your dad. And you still can—while at the same time recognizing the damage he inflicted on you. You can even forgive him. (In fact, that’s a good thing.) But you don’t have to deny what happened. And I truly hope you let yourself rage and cry about it. We hear you. I hear you. You suffered and you’re still suffering. It’s totally unfair this happened to you.