Walk the tightrope. Conditioned response.

Dears,
In my last post I shared with you my progress.
I live much better life now, I got rid of depression (which I think is the most important) and also of big part of my back pain.
But I am still struggling with conditioned responses, for example:
- I sleep much better, but in the second half of night still I have a tension/pain in back, which wakes me up. I know it is TMS so I tell myself it is just nothing to worry about: the pain lessens and I fall asleep again, until... the it comes back and wakes me up again - and so many times until the morning.
- every day at work about 4PM when I am about to finish my job the pain comes up, sometimes really sharp. And the same - I know it is just TMS, nothing to worry, I even sometimes laugh at it. I then finish work, go into my car, drive home. Than the sharp pain appears again when I get out of car and lasts for one or two hours until I get involved in my family matters - kids and husband come home, there is more rumor, talks and then I again get better. So kind of work/home switch causes this.
- some activities still are painfull - wearing socks or lacing up shoes - I try to stay calm, but I have to wear socks/shoes - so it unnerves me.

I fill like I am 80% done with this TMS pain, but I do not want to stuck at this 20% pain level - because - it does not let me fully get out of this, and I am afraid that this will pull me back to the previous state. It takes so much energy this "keep calm", "be aware of your feelings", "choose your reaction to the pain" etc. I made huge progress but fill like walking the tightrope - I am doing it but afraid to fall down.

cheers
Ania

 

since you know it's conditioning (which it obviously is) It's time to advertise in your own head.

When I got to where you are I sort of coasted... I had been back at my manual labor job for months pain free but the sciatica would appear at the end of the day when it was time to relax. That is very important.... it's like the TMS is afraid of it's own destruction so it can't quite let you get your head together to drive it out all the way....and the pain wasn't bad enough to get my full attention like when I began... I was getting 'ok' with 96% recovery

I eventually got tired of that little teeny bit that was left, so I got rid of all distractions and provoked a war with my unconscious. As I drove home I used to listen to music, sports,etc... I turned it off and began to talk and rage at the TMS... Particularly at the CONDITIONING and how very easy we get conditioned

I probably looked like a crazy person to people in other cars BUT it worked and only took a couple of hours of focused ranting

wearing socks and shoes is benign and pedestrian (no pun). Having pain only in the second half of the night is obviously conditioned...any time it comes at a specific time is conditioning. You have to stop and give each and every one your attention and say "I'm doing this and I don't believe you.... you are full of shit....go away, I don't need you"

be well

 

Thank you so much BB for your response. It is so good do hear from someone who experienced the same that this is makeable! I needed it so much!
And thanks for practical advice.
Ania

 

Yesterday I tried to talk to my brain. I was driving home, and talking aloud to myself, shouting at my brain even, that I do not need the pain anymore, I do not need those conditioned pain when coming from work everyday, I do not need stiffness and tension when putting shoes on etc.
And you know what happen? I had such a flare-up when I got out of my car that I could hardly walk those few meters from garage to home. I never had such a sharp pain before! I had to crawl to the sofa and lie down.
I wonder now why did I have such a violent reaction?
I wasn't scared of this - I know that this is TMS, and the pain will lessen soon (actually is back on low level today). So I am not frightened, I just wonder what does it tell to me?

 

Try approaching the part of your subconscious mind that holds on to suffering with compassion and curiosity, rather than shouting at it. This part of you has a positive intention for you; try to discover it. Build a relationship with this part of yourself rather than trying to overpower it or bully it into submission.

 

Thank you for this advice. Actually I did not intend to shout at it, but I did somehow, because I am angry at myself and my mind that it does not let the pain go, although I am 100% confident about TMS diagnosis and I think I fully understand it. Objectively I do not have any major live problems, but maybe there is still some part of me which I do not understand.