Wanted: Tips on Telling People How You Really Feel

Long time reader, first time poster.

I need some help and decided to take the plunge. I started the Curable app in 2018, have read all the Sarno books, Unlearn Your Pain, The Way Out, and others.

I started The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron back in May and if you aren’t familiar with the book part of the program is to journal every morning, which Cameron calls morning pages.

At the 9 week point you are encourage to reread your pages to highlight any themes you see that keep repeating. I did, which rereading was a very stressful time and I felt thoroughly overwhelmed, but didn’t speak up. Mainly my reoccurring gripes were that everyone comes to me with their problems and I don’t want to listen anymore (I’m exhausted), over-giving, and that I want to speak up for myself more. I read these pages Monday and have been home sick since.

I know there is a connection, but am I sick from what I read? Or I am I sick from stress? Or does it even matter to know?

Of course my mind went straight to thinking about when I got bit by a tick in June and am now being tested for Lyme disease, but my concern is I don’t want Lyme disease, but what if the test is negative and I have been sick because of TMS? Is all sickness TMS?

And the real question: how do you start telling people how you really feel?

 

No. But TMS often mimics real sickness and in the case of contractible stuff (like colds, covid, flus,etc) might have a lot to do with Immune failures...Many of the common TMS equivalents are Overactive immune (allergies, eczema, swollen glands,etc)

In context of TMS? I am not certain THAT is necessary. The most important part is your awareness of what YOU would tell them and seeing through the fake politeness, the "caring person' charade".

If being confrontational meant immunity from TMS , I would have never gotten it. All of us have life lessons to learn...for me it was NOT swatting at every little fly. But as far as TMS recovery goes, I can be involved in something and present a facade of interest...as long as I remain aware that I really am not interested I can stay symptom free..it's when I fall asleep on my feet and start thinking I am a 'good guy'...that is when I am vulnerable to TMS because it is building up suppressed narcissistic rage.

and yes...your body could have responded to stuff you dug out, but your moving through it...I'd rather get sick once and know the truth then be healthy and have my head in the sand.

peace

One of the best books I ever read. I would also recommend it to any artist with TMS because a lot of the questions in the chapter work pages are important... The Villains and Heroes in our creative life...mostly knowing the villains. Crappy things people said to us that we are still carrying around 40 years later. Awesome book to get unstuck.

..and the morning pages can be a good place to let fly with any lingering grievances as we become aware

or to write a song

or both

 

@HeidiF
I get were you are coming from.
This week, a friend was back in contact with me. Although I care about said friend, I am more than done with her drama of trauma -she can’t truly hold space for anyone but herself. When she is with me she constantly repeats these old traumatic experiences.. and I am “a fixer” so I get drawn in.
This week, for instance after months of little contact I was accused of criticizing.. last November. She wants an apology (none from her for ruining our holiday meal). Fine, I apologize.
Then it continues about current stress and drama.
Ok, sorry for your situation.
Then it’s attempts to invite herself over.
Nope.
This is only happening because others are refusing to get drawn in, keeping their boundaries. So she makes the rounds. This person’s pain is real, but I’m not responsible nor can I really do anything about it.
The boundaries, I’ve realized are both with my own self -refusing to get drawn in and refusing to feel guilt about it. Not shutting off the guilt, but actually seeing that cycle and saying no to myself. That is helping me decide to keep boundaries I want to set with this person. Discussing it with them doesn’t work, only keeping physical space does. At one point simply thinking about trying to keep the boundaries stressed me out, but now I realize it’s not as big of a deal as it seems. It may become a big deal… but I’ve tried to make it clear in the past this is a subject I don’t want to broach. “I hope you can work that out for yourself” - pretty much ends a discussion. You can do that with kindness and caring “I’m sort this is tough”. Simply refuse to help them think it through, solve their problem and do not offer advice. If you have been the one to step in and step up in a pinch - just don’t offer.
If you feel an emotion about your response, just sit with it.. or journal about it.
Recently another friend asked me to step in to fix what they perceived as a poor decision on their part. NO! It was hard, someone else’s fate is at hand. That friend tried to lay a guilt trip on me. NO! I did not engage after the first no. No means No.
The more no’s you lay down the remarkably more ease you feel doing it, and the more often you can do it. I think about all the “no’s” those people felt just fine giving me. Makes it much easier to give ‘em back.

 

This has really helped a lot. Thank you.

Ha!

The rage from doing something you don’t want to do?

Oh geeze, this makes so much sense. I am more of a fawner/freezer so this makes total sense. It also makes so much sense based on what I have been journaling about. I’m exhausted from fawning. That’s why being confrontational, in theory, looks so appealing.

Yes! That was another underlying theme is rereading my journal, stop being so hard on yourself. I think part of it is I feel bad people annoy me, then I feel guilty I feel annoyed, then I judge myself for feeling guilty, so instead of letting myself just feel it, I suppress it until I either get sick (like now) or do an identifying emotions mediation and cry it out.

That’s actually one of my favorite books. I find it hopeful as well. It might be time to reread it.

I will work on these this week. I have written the unsent letter, but it has been years. Also time to revisit.

Oh gosh, you do! I thought I was reading my own journal.

This really hits home. It’s difficult for me to see people in pain, but I have recently realized (sadly) some people use that to manipulate you and it can be unintentional, but again it’s not my problem.

I really appreciate setting boundaries with yourself because I know I used to get a “high” from being the fixer and I am sure I could still, but I don’t want to. I rather feel the realness of the guilt.

That’s the other thing, I think I’m a reasonable person I can talk to this person like a reasonable person, but we are all on our journey and our levels of reasonableness fluctuate.

I too made saying no a bigger deal in my head than it was in reality and as you said if you do it with kindness it really isn’t bad. I also found saying “NO” to someone really shows you what someone is like.

Thank you @Baseball65 @JanAtheCPA and @Cactusflower for helping me process this. I guess the real takeaway is that I don’t necessarily have to tell people how I feel (I don’t mean people in my innermost circle), but knowing and accepting how I feel with out judgement.

 

Yes,, though If I am having symptoms a lot of the times I am not aware... Particularly the ones that are embarrassing to the conscious mind , like Children, Pets, Religious responsibilities,etc.

Just like another poster was discussing, it isn't the 'perceived' emotion that causes the symptom but the unconscious ones we have no access to and can only imagine, get a 'reflection off the cave wall' to quote Plato.

Sarno once pointed out, he didn't treat pain...we're stopping the process for tomorrow. When we start to raise our awareness and greet frustration and rage inducing things at the door, they don't go down into the depths and have as much weight. I imagine as you reviewed those things you wrote about, the ones down there might have instigated some stuff "Oh no..she's getting close...quick, somebody start a diversion!"

 

OH, I never thought about it that way, but that makes sense. Instead of greeting them, I push them down. But now I know.