Day 28 Week 4 - Vacation

Hi!

Haven't been posting much since I was on vacation last week with my best friend's family.

Here is what has been going on with me:

- Diagnosed with chronic sinusitis a few days before vaca and was given a 14 day antibiotic that I had to take during vacation (wasn't very happy about that, but I managed). I was frustrated because I couldn't drink at all and had some more frequent bowel movements the first couple of days.

- Still had headaches, post-nasal drip, ear pressure/crackling and even a migraine at times during vaca but I ignored it and was still able to have fun. I wasn't going to let the pain control me or dictate my fun despite it being annoying at times. There was one day where I had an awful headache and the post-nasal drip felt like it was choking me to the point where I was gagging, but I still managed to play games and hang out with everyone.

- I read the book "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**K" on the beach and it was awesome. It reinforces the TMS message but in more modern, funny and straightforward language. I highly recommend.

- The humidity/weather was brutal all week (luckily it was a beach vaca and it got cooler at night) and we unfortunately rented a house with no AC. I also ignored this and meditated before bed and was still able to sleep pretty well.

- No anxiety during vacation because I was with my best friends' family of 30+ people across 4 different houses.

- Getting back from vacation and the antibiotic seems to really not be doing anything at all (another factor leading me to confirm this to being TMS).

- We got back Saturday and I hung out with my family and friends at home and still no anxiety but headaches. Sunday I had a lot of errands to do and still no anxiety but headaches on and off and went about my day.

- I woke up this morning with mild anxiety that passed quickly and got to work and had head pressure/ear pressure and all of a sudden randomly my heart started racing a little bit and i got that churning stomach feeling out of the blue even though I wasn't nervous at all. When this happened, my pain subsided and vice versa. It's weird because I actually love going to work, love my coworkers and everyone is very supportive and it is a very relaxed environment.

Two things I've noticed in all of this:

- When I'm around any group of people, whether it be my family, friends, friends' family I have no churning stomach or random heart racing feelings. Same goes for when I am extremely focused. So almost the opposite of social anxiety.

- I definitely have a fear of being alone and feeling like I am not where I should be relationship wise in my life at 28. However, I know that I am the only one who can change that and that I need to reevaluate my values to not put so much pressure on myself.

- I know this goes against the idea of TMS, but yesterday I decided I want to go gluten-free for a few weeks just to see how it makes me feel.

- I can pretty much do anything in pain. Run, play games, socialize, drink, etc. I had a borderline migraine on vacation and still drove around blasting music, played games and had fun. I honestly contemplated going to bed early instead that night but so glad I didn't. I'm glad I fought the negative emotions because now I don't even remember that feeling of pain that night, just the fun I had. I am slowly applying the concept of outcome independence and understanding that it's not the pain that stops me from doing things, it's the emotions (i.e. you won't have fun because you are in pain).

Changes I want to make in my life:

- Start cooking more for myself vs. relying on my parents meals since I have to stop by their house every night to pick up my dog that they watch for me

- Slowly start sprucing up my backyard/area around my house more

- Put myself out there in the dating scene more


Emotions:

- I love the feeling of companionship with others. I love people, I love being around people, so when I go home to be alone or wake up in the morning alone I feel a bit uneasy and bored. In the past before the pain, I used to love going home alone to decompress but always have this feeling about not wanting to "waste the day."

- Fear of rejection when dating. Indecisiveness. Figuring out who I actually "am" and if I'll like it or not.

- Annoyed at having to actually work at dating and finding a companion. I don't want to actually do it
(which is why I don't), but with everything in life, I know I need to put in the effort.

- I love my friends so much and so grateful I am still very close with so many of my friends from Elementary school.

- I very much enjoyed seeing my coworkers again and getting back into the swing of things.

- Grateful for my family because even though I get pissed at them for not being as supportive as I want them to be and talking things out with me, I always know they have my best interest. I do get very frustrated though when I mention my headaches or ear pressure and they just side step commenting on it or give short answers.