Day 6 What are some of my fears and why?

Structured Educational Program, Day 6

Briefly take a few minutes and write down some of your fears. Why are you afraid of these things?

1. I’m afraid of being alone at night in houses and even hotel rooms. I think I’m afraid of this because I was sexually abused as a child and I think of these scenarios as being vulnerable for me.
2. I’m afraid of traveling (although I do it anyway and I ultimately love it). I think I’m afraid of this because I don’t like anything that isn’t familiar to me —because I want to control everything to keep myself safe. When you’re traveling, there are just a bunch of unknown things that can happen, not even necessarily dangerous things. But you can’t plan ahead for them and I just hate that feeling.
3. I’m afraid of speaking in front of people— and even afraid of standing in front of people. I don’t like cutting across the front of a theater to get to the restroom because everyone in the theater might look at me. I don’t like sitting in the front row at church because everyone can see me. At times in the past, I’ve been afraid to even speak in small meetings of just a few people at work. The few times I’ve ever had to speak in public, I honestly could’ve almost died. Why am I afraid of this? I’ve actually wondered about this a lot. I know it’s very common for people to be afraid of speaking in public. But to be afraid to have people look at you is not that common. I think somehow it’s related to sexual abuse —some kind of a vulnerability that I used to feel as a child that I still have now—that people are always looking at you and planning to do something bad to you.

 

Such a brave post dear Diana-M! I could just hug you for it. I can also relate.

It strikes me that all of this is about trying to protect yourself. Isn’t that what TMS pain is for? Hmmm. Yours is doing an outstanding job!

The darkness can scare a young child even when not associated with other threats. Traveling can take one out of their safe space, creating anxiety even leading up to it. Being the only one walking/crossing in front of a room full of people makes one an easy target. Same for public speaking. Not wanting to be noticed is a way of hiding from someone or something. Yes, most certainly these can all be related to sexual abuse, but I think there is more to it. I’ll give you a small example. Not only was I afraid of the dark, I pulled the covers over my head and was absolutely still so that no one could see me there. The Boogey Man hid in the dark, robbers and killers hid in the dark. I knew this because I heard the stories, was taken to scary movies, scared shitless by my young aunts who said that if I did not behave, the old devil would get me. I did not dare call out to my parents else be punished for still being awake. I never felt safe and neither did you.

Sometimes it’s the big events like sexual abuse that inform our fears but sometimes it’s the smaller themes that do the trick. It can literally change your way of responding to mostly benign conditions.

Think about this: you are mostly confined, right? While you may hate it, who can get at you while there?

Maybe, and I’m no expert here, you are damned tired of being afraid. I know I am.

Keep it coming girl!

 

@Mtnjac
Thank you so much for responding to this one! I kind of dropped this bomb clear out of the blue on the forum. I haven’t mentioned my exact abuse circumstances before to anyone except my therapist, husband and my sisters. I know the old adage: we’re only as sick as the secrets we keep. But all day yesterday, I regretted writing it and kept contemplating deleting it but then I thought maybe I should just practice telling it. It doesn’t represent me. It represents something that happened to me. And yes, like you said, it completely informs your sense of reality (and safety), I think, for the rest of your life.

But you bring up something I really think is good. People can scare you when you’re young and tell you stories and you can get impressions of things to fear. I think if you’re a sensitive creative child (as we were), you really soak these stories in and you can make them so real. I totally relate to you being under the covers hiding from the scary things at night.

You are absolutely right that I am safe hiding in my little hole —my little house —right now. My nervous system just blew a gasket. And all my fears exploded. I think my TMS brain wanted to put me into hiding.

That’s why I love Claire Weekes (Hope and Help for Your Nerves). She really gives you an example of how to get out of this. Her books have helped me immensely.

Since you believe in God, I will say this—because I know you will relate—but I believe God will heal me and is directing me on the path I need to take to heal. This forum is definitely part of my path. And all the people here have been so helpful. It really means a lot to me that you understand my story.

Thank you again, dear sister ❤️

 

Yes ma’am I believe in the great healer and you are wholly welcome!

Additionally, I think we worry too much about what others might think when we write the truth about ourselves.

To meet our objectives here, we gotta take some risks! That means coming out of hiding, doesn’t it?

Worrying about what we’ve revealed is trust-related. (If you really knew me, you wouldn’t like me kind of baggage.) But at its core, this conditioning is TMS related.

So, as I’m moved to continue to reveal my truer self through SEP prompts or attendant journaling, I will. For me, this does two main things: It puts me in touch with me, and it helps me diminish unwarranted fears, such as worrying about what someone may think. Here, people gather round in support rather than judgement. How refreshing!

I completely recognize how hard it is to put it out there. What an accomplishment though Diana-M!!! I love what you said about your past not representing you. It represents what happened to you. Super, just superlative work!

 

Thank you, Mtnjac! I loved every word you just said and wholeheartedly agree. I think your honesty and vulnerability in your posts had an influence on me. ❤️

 

Hey @Diana-M,

I just wanted to let you know that you are brave as hell. As you know, I was also sexually abused as a child and then because that leaves a sort of whiff on you, raped by a stranger in my twenties, so we are sisters in that regard, so I feel such a kindredness toward you.

But, in a way, those horrible experiences gave us a great gift, and that gift was a choice to pass on the hurt and hurt others or to be watchful protectors. Lots of folks never get to make such a noble choice in their lives. Christ was tortured and ridiculed, because if he wasn't, he would've never been able to make the noble choice in the Garden of Gethsemane. You chose to be protector and that is so much braver than hurting others. Hurting others like the folks who abused us is the coward's way, but you chose the warrior's path. And I admire you deeply for that.

So, even if those people are looking at you at church (I have this exact same fear response about public speaking - by the way) you don't have to worry anymore, because you are a watchful warrior, and your brain has already taken care of that for you. Now, we just have to turn it down a little bit! Because you are safe now. Your church community loves you, I am certain, because if you're anything like you are on this forum in that space, you are a delight worth protecting.

Hell, I'm an agnostic (well, a secular Buddhist) and I am so happy that you have a spiritual community and path that gives you comfort and strength.

P.S. Bravery isn't never being afraid. Bravery is being afraid but doing the hard thing anyway. You travel, you are confronting hard feelings, you go to church even though the scrutiny is there. Keep going. You got this!

 

Sisterbot! ❤️❤️❤️ ( @homorobothead )

well of course you made me cry! Thank you for your sweetness and compassion. I hadn’t realized you were also sexually abused as a child and then later assaulted. I can’t even comprehend how hard that must’ve been to get through all of that —And to live through all that it triggered. I just want you to know I feel for you on that one.

And yes, there’s even more beautiful stuff going on here. You not only became a protector, but you became an artist. (I’m sure you always were one, but you allowed yourself to be one, which is a big deal.) You have my deepest respect. ❤️

This forum is killing me. Killing the old me and bringing the new me to life. Something about the safety of this place has changed me over a year. I’ve never been such a jabber mouth in my life Lol. I’m afraid I’m annoying, but I can’t really stop myself because I just want to help. Goodist Central, right here! (Jan @JanAtheCPA will beat this out of me one of these days! lol)

at any rate, thanks for your support —it means everything to me. Lots of love to you!

 

Jan, you are such a KEY part of this forum— our fearless leader. I honestly owe so much to you keeping me going and keeping all of us going. I’m glad you are seeing progress in me. I feel it is all finally happening! ❤️