Day 4 What doctors have said

The more I read the more I realise how many illnesses in my life have been a part of this TMS. So, one of the worst things said to me,by a psychiatrist, when I was about 26 years old, was that I had probably always been depressed and always would be. The good news, he said, is that there are lots of drugs and you will just keep taking one or another for the rest of your life. I was so low at the time that I just accepted it and and got on with the tablets. Luckily, later, when I had need for a therapist I ended up with a lovely psychologist who eventually, gently, suggested that I might not need the tablets (or the husband) and I got on without either. And well. I stopped antidepressants at age 36, 13 years ago.

I also had psoriasis from a young age, and could see from what my dad went through attempting to treat it that there wasn't much to hope for. At one point I was sent to a dermatologist because it looked so bad, but I don't remember that doctor offering anything, really. But, after a divorce, and with some topical zinc spray, the psoriasis went away. And it has never returned. That was about 20 years ago. Well, not returned properly. A month or so ago, when my hip and leg pain was starting to scare me, it seemed like psoriasis was trying to make a return, as well. But it has gone away.

With the back pain, I stopped going to GPs once I found a chiropractor. They offered relief without medicine, which I liked. I remember people saying they shouldn't want you to keep coming back, but I thought, it's my fault, I still have pain! So I kept going, and had some relief and was grateful for their caring about my pain. Which I noticed yesterday, this aspect of caring. I have an appointment with my osteopath tomorrow, who is the one who pointed me towards The Divided Mind, but I'm a bit sad thinking that I won't need to see her anymore because I really like the conversations we have had, and I realise that I appreciate her caring about my pain and genuinely wanting to help me. (Most certainly tied into my feeling like I have to take care of everyone else.) I know that's crazy, and I am sooooo grateful to think that this could be the end of all this pain (and other random illnesses). I'm just acknowledging the emotion, rather than suppressing it. I'm also very grateful for all the deep self-inquiry work I have been doing in the last few years. It's all perfect, and all part of the path.

I'm very grateful to be here, too. Thank you.