Day 19 What I'm proud of doing, and Day 13 of MRP

Hi all,

Day 19 of recovery. I'm most proud of working out, even though the symptoms are still there and feel very very much linked logically to activity. Yesterday was really hard for me- just the thought of working out freaked me out, but I talked to myself and did it- all 35 minutes of it- a super intense HIIT workout. As I did it, the Day 12 message in the Multimedia Recovery Program was in me- cognitive soothing. Instead of the usual trying to find what was bothering me through questions, I did the soothing which was just tell myself "It's okay, you are safe. Everything is going to be okay".

During the workout, I actually burst into tears and started going into some kind of panic attack. Then I heard a very anxious voice in my head say, "How do you know?" And for the rest of the workout, I was sort of having a very real conversation with myself, talking to her. That part of me sounded so damn scared. But I succeeded in calming her down, hearing her, and responding to her. Since then I've been hugging myself more, telling myself I'll be okay, at every chance I get.

I am so proud of myself for passing through that fear of activity, and getting through to the other side.

Today's MRP was good- "It's going to be okay either way,". I've had a huge decision facing me- of whether or not to postpone grad school this year. Thinking about it has been agonizing, as well as the stress of imagining applying from the beginning if they tell me that they cannot hold my spot this year. The statement, "It's going to be okay either way," said once, had me burst into tears.

I love the soothing that's coming from Alan's program- it really helps after all that journalling, because my brain is in a state of constant Danger Alert, and I feel so empowered to know that I can talk to myself and be there for myself, and especially the frightened girl inside of me. I can't talk to her logically all the time. Sometimes she just needs a hug and me to tell her she'll be okay.