Day 19 when did this all begin?

Until today I have always thought that my pain began at 21 and in my back.

for some reason i had not made a connection with an earlier phase .. . . . . .

When i was 14 i had a long standing knee problem & this has come back to me over the last few years.

I used to play a great deal of highly competitive sports. Encouraged by my father who is really competitive. I remember he used to train me hard and when i was exhausted push me harder and harder encouraging me that I would learn more when tired.

He pushed me into leagues and competitions from a really early age and pushed me to well in these. He was a high achiever himself and I could never try as hard as he did. When i became frustrated with my own performance in a match he became very critical and ashamed if i voiced this.

Looking back - I was playing / training one day with dad when my knee started to hurt. I don't remember an accident - it just started. My recall is generally poor but i can really clearly remember the day it happened.

For months it got worse and Dad would just tell me that he knew all about knees and that there was nothing wrong with mine and i just needed to 'warm it up'. I eventually started to limp and my mum noticed and immediately took me to a physio. I had torn my tendon apparently. my leg was really skinny .
It took me ages to recover and i never really got back into squash or any competitive sports again. I have always 'held' onto' the injury. Never really let it go and have always been slightly careful with my knee

It only just occurred to me that I might have been looking to escape from the pressures to perform that my father was placing on me.

I know that my father was only trying to raise me in the best way he knew but i think i have taken over his role in pushing me on. His role as an overseer/enforcer/trainer.

I now do all the pushing and pushing. More , better, faster, ignore your feelings. So i have adopted his role & taken on elements of his persona into my super ego.

It's good to see that clearly

 

Hi Bernard,
In Dr. David Clarke's book, They Can't Find Anything Wrong, he discusses different forms of childhood stress that can cause great harm. One of them is "Standards for parental approval too high".

Looks like you win a gold star. Look at all the wonderful insights you have had so far.
Sandy