Day 17 When nothing feels helpful

Today is a day when I can't really say what part is most helpful to me. My pain spread farther (not moved, spread) today and I'm feeling too angry. I am angry that I have an actual potentially dangerous thing in my spine (the syrinx) and it doesn't matter if the neurosurgeon says it is NBD now, at any given time that can change and the back pain could be due to nerve damage and spinal cord damage from that.

Honestly being here, the community, was the best part of the program for me, but then I found one other poster here who had a syrinx and it was determined that was causing their pain. No good outcomes that I can find anywhere.

I do love the community, though, and being the nerd I am, the educational reading appeals to me too.

 

Hi,

Maybe I’m naive about that type of cyst. Maybe you’re an expert who can also see into the future.
Then, maybe you’re not.

You might believe that even though you want to engage in life, you can’t because at this moment, you’re too scared of what might happen. This is the moment to tell yourself differently though. You may have pain, but you’re still here. That usually means you’re safe. Try telling yourself that.

I am so sorry you’re frightened. This means you must dig deep and work on your fear for it is holding you so tight that you cannot see anything else.

Many of the tools to help you are here and in the resources others have mentioned. But, as you’ve learned, it is not a quick fix. Still, you cannot let that fact defeat you or allow a cyst, that your doctor says is not a threat, to control your existence.

I have found several things beyond the support available here that helps me. I learned to breathe properly through my stress to calm me. I take long walks especially when I hurt physically. I have a therapist I trust. I journal my projected horrors, disappointments and perceived failures. I pet my dog much longer than he wants me to. I go outside of myself and try to be of help to others. I pray. I am thankful for my blessings. I express gratitude for some small something daily. I talk to my pain, ask it questions, try to understand it. I talk to my inner child and give her comfort.

And last, the most important thing is that I am a believer in TMS so I KNOW what is happening to me. That’s where you have to get to and I know you can.

Don’t give up. You are still here! And as long as that is true, there is work to do. Shift your focus. Even a bit each hour or day until you become more important than your fears.

 

@Mtnjac, thank you for this. It helps a lot.

 

@JanAtheCPA, I love her and I'm in her FB group and following her practice. I do think of her diagnosis when I have the most doubt.